January 2018

January began with the passing of the prophet, President Thomas S Monson. I loved hearing him talk and tell stories in his comforting grandfather voice. He was a shining example of humble service. He will be greatly missed. My boys were very sad. Caleb was only a toddler when President Hinckley passed away, so this is the first time he has gone through this, really. It was so comforting to know that the Lord already had a plan in place for who would next lead the church, under His direction. I could see in the past couple of years how President Nelson was being prepared to take up the task, and grew in my love for him and his devotion to doing the work of the Lord.

I started reading again this past month, which was a big deal. I had stopped reading when I got really sick last year, so it's nice to be enjoying something that has been a lifelong hobby for me. Brettley also hit a reading milestone and is officially reading grade 2 level books now. I suspect he'll get to grade 3 books before the end of the year. Caleb is now reading high school level books, and apparently asking college level questions in science class. Ty has grown to love reading so much this year, which is such a joy to see.

I began my calling in nursery and was surprised by how quickly I fell in love with it. I had been in nursery when we left Edmonton and it had never been a happy place for me there, but here I instantly felt connected to these young ones and love their sweet little spirits. They are truly a joy to be around.

I discovered bullet journaling this month. It's a system that was made for me, I'm sure. I love lists, calendars, being organized, office supplies, and this combines them all. I've been loving it!

I finally got around to making a large wall calendar project that I'd been wanting to make for the past several years. John was a big help with it.

I got to see C, L's mom, when we were out shopping one day, which was a wonderful experience.

I have started walking more, outside and doing steps inside when it's too cold or icy. I found this really cool thing where it tells you the distances between locations from Middle Earth (Tolkien's world), so I'm using that to set goals for myself.

Last weekend I attended our Stake Relief Society Conference, which was amazing. I attended 2 classes. The first was 'The Courage to be Imperfect' which referenced Elder Holland's October 2017 talk quite a bit. The second class I went to was 'Don't Look Around, Look Up' where we talked a lot about the need to look to the Lord instead of comparing ourselves to others. We all got to listen to Dr Wayne Burton talk as well as play and sing for us. There was a wonderful luncheon afterward. I'm so glad I got to have that uplifting experience.

Yesterday was Bell Let's Talk, which I actively participated in to help fundraise, but also to bring awareness about the need that still exists for more education for the general public, more research and better access to supports. Obviously, this is something that is very near and dear to my heart. Caleb had a psychiatrist appointment yesterday and he gets to come off of his last medication. It was a very happy victory to see him have come this far from where we were even 2 years ago. He is such a brave little fighter.

L and What She Means to Me

I'm 2 days late. It's been a really off week in our house. I think the kids got spring fever early this year, no one has been sleeping properly and I was about ready to pull my hair out (so I just cut most of it off instead, ha ha).

So for the 4th Thursday of each month, it will be about something that's been going through my mind recently. I call it the Musings & Soapbox Moments week.

This month I decided to talk about how L is really the best thing that's ever happened to me. So just in case you've been living under a rock or are new to my blog, here's who L is. Just over 11 years ago I found out that I was pregnant. I was not married at the time. Nor was I a member of my church at the time, that happened about 2/3 of the way through my pregnancy. When L was born, I placed her with the people who were meant to be her family. At the time, it was her mom, her dad and her older brother. She now has 2 younger brothers as well. L is the only girl I've given birth to and she holds a very special place in my heart. It's probably a good thing that my husband and I have all boys, it makes her that much more special.

So I realized that it may sound odd to say that she's the best thing that ever happened to me, above my conversion and baptism, my marriage, and my sons. But here's why. I would have had NONE of those things if I hadn't been pregnant with L. It is because I was pregnant with her, that my heart was softened and I was ready to gain a testimony and join the church. Because of joining the church, that is how I met my husband and was able to be blessed with our boys.

I remember a quote from somewhere about Heavenly Father permitting hard/bad things to happen to us because He can see how much good will come out of them. Being pregnant with L was hard. Going through the emotional stress of the pregnancy was super hard. Making the decision to place her was beyond hard. Yet every good thing that I have in my life, I have because I was blessed enough to carry that girl for 9 months and help to bring her into this world. It's why I have always had the peace that I do about making the decision to place her. Because she gave me everything that she was meant to give me, but she was never meant to be mine. But I will be eternally grateful for her, because of all of the amazing things I have in my life that she helped to prepare me for.

There is so much beauty in adoption, and I'm so grateful for everything that my small part in it has given to me.

L Got Baptized

L was baptized on Saturday. Over 8 years ago I knew that one of the reasons I made the decision that I did was so that when she turned 8, she could be baptized by her dad, which is exactly what happened. No matter how much it has hurt at times through the past 8 years, I know in my heart that the experience she had this weekend is exactly what I wanted for her when I did the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. She is amazing, her parents are amazing and they deserve all of the happiness in the world.

I know that D is a man that respects the priesthood he holds. I've felt it as he placed his hands on my head the day I placed L in C's arms when he gave me a blessing that I've thought back on many times. I'm so grateful that she is being raised in a home with such a wonderful father and priesthood holder and by a mother that is so awesome that I can't even put it all in to words. The love and gratitude that I have for C is beyond description and she will never fully know how much I admire her. When it comes down to it, I think these feelings are what adoption should really be about. I don't feel resentment, I feel love and admiration. I feel gratitude beyond anything I can ever express. These 3 people hold a special place in my heart that I go to at least once every day. I am so proud of L for making the choice to be baptized. That beautiful girl never fails to make me grateful to have had a hand in bringing her here to share her life with such an amazing family.

The People Who Make This Day Special For Me

A post for the people who have made me a mother!

There are 4 people I live with who have made me a mother. My husband, who has been oh so patient over the past 6 1/2 years (and is currently frying up bacon for me). He has stood by me through thick and thin and I'm so blessed to be his eternal companion. This week will be 7 years since we first met.

Caleb, my wonderful little boy. He has stood by me through a lot as well and has often brightened my day with his smiles and hugs. Caleb is growing into an amazing young man and I'm so happy with him.

Tyrell, who constantly keeps me on my toes and is trying to single handedly to finally teach me patience. He can be the most adorable little dude ever when he gives his crooked little grin.

Brettley, who made me feel like a first time mother all over again. He and I had such a tough haul, but he is the cutest little chicken ever and such a trooper through all of his trials.

Also, just a mention about some other women who have helped make me a mother.

My grandma, who is currently going through horrible health issues that she will never recover from in this life.

C, who is so super amazing and loves L so much. I love you guys so much!

Finally, my mum, who sacrificed so much to do her very best as a mother. She was and still is an amazing example of a selfless mother who loves her divine role.

Happy mothers day to all who are a mother in any way, shape and/or form.

Vertigo...Again

I woke up this morning for the fifth morning in a row with dizziness. We took a day without pay (ouch!) and John took me to the Medicentre. I have vertigo that could take anywhere from 1 to 4 weeks to go away. I did get some pills to help with the dizziness though that have kicked in now. I've spent a lot of time over the past 5 days on Netflix (love it) and pinterest (absolutely adore it). I've been trying to find my fashion style, as I'll be needing a lot of new clothes by the end of the year. Pinterest has been a huge help with that.

I have had a realization in the last couple of weeks. L is turning 8 this year. What an amazing thing! I am ever so grateful for her and her amazing parents. They are such a positive force in my life and I'm so blessed to have this connection with them.

2012 is going to be such an amazing year. I'm excited to get to a healthy weight, for L to get baptized, for Caleb to start grade 1 and whatever else the year may bring us. Life is good. Life is very good.

Rough Day

7 years ago I was in a delivery room, about to give birth to the most beautiful girl in the world. In the past, her birthday has never been a problem for me. I celebrated the fact that she was born, and all that she gave me.

Of course this year would be different. Mother's Day was wonderful, so I guess I needed to have another day that would be tough for me. I don't expect her birthday to be tough from now on. In fact, I expect this one will be the only really hard one for me. Because everything to do with a girl this year is hard for me. Watching friends have baby girls, knowing that the only girl I'll ever give birth to is the one I placed, it's been a really huge struggle. It eats away at me a lot more than I'd like to admit. Let's face it, no one likes a complainer and as much of a complainer as I am, I hold a lot back to keep it from being worse.

Just please allow me this one day to struggle. I wish people would stop reminding me of all of the good things that I have and trying to stop me from talking about what hurts. It's not going to get better if I don't talk about it. However, I know very few people who understand the bittersweetness of placing a child with another couple and I've only met 1 person who is in the same situation as me (placed a girl, married and then had 3 boys and won't be having any more kids). Thankfully, at least she told me that it's okay to hurt and that just because it hurts doesn't mean that I love any of my boys less than I should.

I would never want to be without Brettley in our lives. I love him. He is the sweetest little thing with a smile that can melt your heart. I love the other 2 boys as well. I just wanted a girl, too. A girl of my own. I pass cute little girl clothes in Walmart and I tear up. It hurts, it really hurts.

However, I am bound and determined that next year will be better. Because next year will be better. That sweet girl that B wanted me to abort will be getting baptized, and that is definitely something to be celebrated.

The Hardest Letters I've Had To Write

Just over 7 years ago I wrote a letter that would be the hardest thing I'd ever written in my life. C & D asked that I write a letter to give to Laur at a time of their choosing. Trying to put everything into words was so hard and my face was soaked with tears as I wrote it (I'm sure pregnancy hormones didn't help any).

That letter has now become the second hardest thing I've ever written. I just finished off my letter to my father in law. I have been trying for months to do this. Trying to tell an amazing man like that just how much they mean to you under these circumstances is such a hard thing to do. However, I did it, and I know that he'll appreciate it.

On to more fun things, we're finishing up getting everything ready to head off to Magrath tomorrow morning. I'm so excited:) I probably won't get on here much while I'm gone, so I hope you have a great few weeks.

Painted Nails, Hair and Perspective

I painted my toenails today. It sounds so painfully normal if you don't know me. However, if you do know me then you know that this is something that only occurs once every couple of years, if that. It happened after Ty found my bottle of pink nail polish and decided to paint up his face. I locked the pink bottle in the bathroom, sent Ty to his room, grabbed the bottle of purple polish and went at it. They look so strange, not like my feet because my feet don't have painted toenails...I like it, though. It adds a punch of color, and purple is my color this year (for personal reasons).

I also am liking that my hair is long enough to put up in a pony tail or whatever without needing to be wet first. This is great on sweltering days like today. We have decided to invest in a pair of thinning shears so that I can keep my long hair and not have to pay to have it thinned every 6 weeks or so.

I feel better about the girl thing today. Nothing like reading someone else's post about a tragedy to put things into perspective for you. C wrote about D's cousin losing their 2 year old in a tractor accident on Saturday. I have a 2 year old. As crazy as life is with him, I would be devastated if we lost him. Even though all of my kids have a handle (to quote my FIL), they are still precious to me. I love them and I am so glad that our family is an eternal one.

The Girl Thing and Dad B

I thought I was really making peace with not having a girl of my own. I'd been doing a lot better. However, this morning at church they announced that a couple in our ward had a baby girl this past week. In came the tears, a couple of different times. It got me to wondering, when will I be okay enough to stop crying every time that I hear that someone has had or is having a baby girl? I know there's a reason why John and I have all boys. I could even take a few guesses that are probably really good ones, but I don't fully know the answer. I probably never will in this life. So when will it stop stinging so bad that I cry? When will it stop throwing me for hours or days?

Don't get me wrong. I love all of my boys and I wouldn't trade them for anything. However, it would have been so nice to have a girl as well. I'm sure it wouldn't have hurt as much if there wasn't a beautiful girl out there who's turning 7 in less than a month that I carried in me for 9 months before I placed her in the arms of one of the most amazing women I know.

So now I'm looking forward to going to Magrath even more and being able to take a step out of my normal life and just enjoy things. To spend time with one of the most wonderful men in the world. Remembering Dad and what he's going through helps me to keep my perspective better. He's such a blessing in my life. I love him so much. However, before Thursday, I want to write him the letter that I've been thinking about writing since we got the bad news last year. I don't know how to put all of this into writing, but I know that I need to do it. Because he's amazing, and I love him.

The Other Letter

I've decided to forego the Attitude of Gratitude for this week and write the other letter instead.

Dear Future (and hopefully wiser) Self:

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what the last 10 years have been like for you. Oh, there are some basics that I have no doubt of. You and John will have just celebrated your 15th wedding anniversary this past New Year's Eve. Your boys probably still drive you up the wall, just not for the same reasons they do as I'm writing this. Even so, you are so grateful for each of them and love them more than they'll ever know. You are still active in church and have served in a few callings between my now and your now. These things I'm sure of because I know that these things are the most important things in the world to you and that they make up most of who you are.

L is just about to turn 17, I'm sure you're probably starting to get nervous about seeing her face to face again next year. If things haven't changed too much in that respect, you will be worried about what to say and about how much she'll really understand about why you made the decision you made. There's one thing you've known all along though, she'll never be upset for being raised by C & D because they are amazing and you couldn't have chose better (well, the Lord chose and we chose to follow His plan, really). Just keep praying to have the words that you'll need to have.

Caleb will have started going to youth dances by now. Is he like you, does he love to dance? Or is he like John and really not into that? What kind of a person has he become? Does he have a strong testimony? Do Ty and Brett have strong testimonies? How long did it take Brett to catch up to his actual age? He's a month behind, maybe a titch less, as I'm writing this. How long was Ty a complete turkey for?

There are more things that I wonder about. Did any of your family end up joining the church? Did you make it back to Utah? Have you and John managed to take a vacation without kids yet? Has your bipolar stayed relatively manageable? Did you ever start having less anxiety attacks than I'm having now? Have you managed to get to a healthy weight again? Have Roo & D had any kids yet?

However, like I said. I already know the basics of what you are because the things that are most important to us are just THAT important and they always will be that important. I hope that your past 10 years have been a bit easier on you than my last 10 years have been, but my last 10 years have helped to shape who we both are. As rough as the ride has been, I wouldn't trade what came out of it for anything and I'm sure you feel the same. Just keep on going and never lose sight of what we're striving to keep, an eternal family.

Lots of love:
Your 10 Year Younger Self

Letter To Myself

I love when I read thought provoking blogs. This morning's was "What Would You Tell Your 18 Year Old Self". I've decided to make record of this in my blog for myself because it's so interesting (to me). Read if you'd like, but please note that I'm writing this for my benefit, not your's, so no negative comments, please.

Dear Younger, Skinnier Self:

Your life for the next 8.5 years is going to be several battles, but the best parts of your life will come during this time as well. First, learn not to test people to see if they sincerely care for you. This will end up costing you the relationship that you're currently in.

Don't end up going to school next year to get away from that person. It will only end up costing you money that you don't need to be spending. Instead, find a decent job, get out on your own and enjoy life. Don't get your eyebrow pierced, for several reasons (one of them being that it will get infected about a month after you get it anyway).

When you are 19 you will find yourself pregnant and the father of the baby is not going to help out, regardless of how much you try to convince him otherwise. Do your best to take care of the baby and you will know how to make the best decision for the baby later on. (Oh, it's a girl, so stop calling it Caleb)

While you are pregnant you will be invited to go to a baptism and church service. Do not under any circumstances turn this down. We have done that once before. The decision to go will change your life for the better in ways that you couldn't possibly imagine.

About 5 weeks before your due date you will realize that the baby girl you're carrying is not meant to be your's. When you hold her parent's profile, you'll know in an instant that it's them that she's meant to be with. Knowing that and having a testimony of the importance of an eternal family will be what helps you to get through after placement.

You will go into labour a week early and there will be no doctor in Wainwright who can deliver. It will be a complicated labour, so get to the hospital immediately. The doctors in L-Town will know what to do and the baby will be fine. You will make it through this. Stay strong during delivery (even if you have to tell your mom that you love her, but to shut up).

There will come a time that you will need to move away from home and to be with people who share the same beliefs that you do. Moving back to L-City may seem appealing, but you need to go to GP. Trust me. Just don't bother trying to work at KFC, you'll end up in the hospital over that one.

A month after you move there you will meet a guy wearing a really ugly tie. Don't take too long to warm up to him, that man will end up being the best thing that ever came into your life. He will be the answer to your prayers and the man who takes you to the temple to give you an eternal family of your own. (Oh, and HE will be the one to throw the air hockey pucks at you, not G)

Choose your wedding party carefully. Don't ask people out of a sense of obligation, choose them by who is actually more important to you now. You will spend years regretting it if you don't. Also, make sure to invest in some really good cold medicine when you realize that you're sick a week before your wedding. Drink NeoCitrin like it's going out of style.

When you and your husband find out that you're pregnant, make sure that you get yourself to a doctor as soon as possible and give Diclectin a try again. If you don't, you'll end up spending almost 2 months in bed, and crawling to the bathroom will be the only exercise you'll get.

3 months after you've had your first beautiful baby boy you will end up being told you have post partum depression. Trust me when I say that it is a LOT more complicated than that. You have bipolar. Do NOT get medication for it from the doctor, it will work for only a very short period of time and will cause weight gain that you would probably spend the rest of your life trying to get rid of. There is a vitamin supplement that will work for you. Start researching EMPowerplus.

You will have 2 more amazing little boys. The last one will come early, but he will be fine. When nurses give you a hard time about not being there more, know that you are doing your personal best and that Heavenly Father is pleased with what you're doing. It will seem like hardly anyone cares about what you are going through while he is in the hospital, but if you stick close to the Savior during this time it will be fine. Remember, not everyone thinks about things the same way that you do.

During these 8.5 years there will be comments made by family members that will really hurt you. Do your best to shrug them off and not hold a grudge. There were said without tact, but not meant to be malicious and you will only end up hurting yourself.

Above all else, never ever ever fall away from the things you'll gain a testimony of while you are pregnant. This testimony gave you the wonderful things in your life that you have. It is what changed your life for the better. You will remember what your life was like before and you will know that it's not worth going back to. You are a wonderful person who is trying very hard. Don't think poorly of yourself. It doesn't matter if you don't look exactly the way that you want to. You will look beautiful to the guy with the ugly tie, and that's all that matters. You are beautiful within and that's the beauty that TRULY counts in life.

One more thing...There is a friendship that you've known for years is only out of a sense of obligation. Slowly phase it out now and don't look back. Trust me, you're far better off this way.

Hang in there. It will be rough, but it will be worth it all.

Love:
Your Future, No Longer Skinny But Even More Loved, Self

Attitude of Gratitude

1) I am so grateful that I got to see my niece pass off her last Article of Faith last night. She only turned 9 in March and has just amazed me with how fast she's working through the Faith in God program. I am so proud to be the aunt of such an amazing girl.

2) I am grateful for a husband who was willing to drop his plans of alone time at a moment's notice when I needed a second adult at Activity Days with me and for a dad who was willing to watch the older boys for me.

3) I am SO grateful for my Time Out experience. For getting such a spiritual and emotional boost, having fun with my SILs and getting to see and hug C for the first time since placement. It was an amazing weekend and I hope that I never forget it.

AWESOME WEEKEND!!!

I feel like a completely different person than I was on Thursday. I kind of hit my breaking point that day. A good friend gave me a lot to think about along with a well needed dose of reality.

Friday I headed to Time Out for Women with my SIL, H. We met the rest of the family there and had a very yummy lunch at Olive Garden. We got checked into our hotel and my youngest SIL, A (who is still older than me) and I got to go swimming for a little bit. We could have had a longer time, but neither of us knew that the other wanted to go. Off we headed to the venue for Time Out. Here is my favourite part of the whole weekend. I got to see C and hug her for the first time since placement. It was the most special part of the whole weekend. As mothers go, she is second in my life only to my own mother. LOVE YOU, C:)

I loved Time Out. The presenters talked about everything I'd been needing to hear and I feel so renewed. I got a couple of books for myself:
In Trying Times, Just Keep Trying by Merrilee Boyack
The Mother's Mite by DeAnne Flynn (Why Even Our Smallest Efforts Matter)
There are many other things that I would have loved to have bought but they were either sold out when I went to get them (TOFW journal and Another Testament of Christ) or else I just couldn't afford to get them (Book of Mormon for Families). I love what I got, though and am fine waiting for the rest another time. I got to see C again on Saturday, which happened to be Birth Mothers Day.

John and the boys gave me a gift card for Chapters Indigo earlier in the week in case I wanted to buy a book for the trip. I chose Season 2 of Stargate Atlantis. This morning they made me breakfast in bed of bacon, croissants, Turtles, Tootsie Rolls and orange juice. It was really yummy. I also got a card from the boys and one from John. I had a wonderful day at church. We got great snacks in Relief Society and scented candles from the youth. John didn't take long with tithing today so he let me go and take a long nap when he got home. It was a wonderful day, the best Mother's Day that I've had.

Happy Mothers Day to any woman that is nurturing to anyone and helps teach the rising generation.

Mothers Day, UGH!!!

I've said it every year. I hate Mothers Day. I don't even think it has anything to do with L anymore, I think it's just a disappointing day in general for me. Last year went okay because I made a last minute decision to go to Wainwright and spend it there. Can't do that this year because of John's calling (finance clerk). I think I just need a really good Mothers Day one of these years to change my opinion of it...

Also, I realized in the last couple of days that because C is going to TOFW this weekend and I am as well, that we will be in the same building together on Birth Mothers Day. Odd coincidence for our situation, since our openness includes no meeting in person. However, if you are reading this C (I have no idea how often you check my blog) I just want you to know that if I do see you that day all I want is a nice big hug:)

I have until Sunday morning to decide. Am I going to brave church this year on Mothers Day, or not?

Decorating

So my mum is in the process of decorating my house. I say her because she's really the one with most of the ideas and doing all of the work. I just give opinions and approval. As I already mentioned, she's recovering my chairs for the dining room, which will be a huge help to me as the new material will be so much easier to keep clean. She's also moved some pictures around. She is repainting a mirror with a shelf on it and that will be going in my living room and then she's in the process of getting things ready for my 'feature' wall in the living room which will consist of 5 8x10 photos (since we'll be a 5 person family) with 'FAMILIES ARE FOREVER' in large vinyl letters on top of the photos and 'Bly Family est. 2005' in small vinyl letters below the photos (Yes, C, I got this idea from you and just tweaked it. Thanks again for another decorating idea!). Mum also made me a menu board that's in my dining room. I like it a lot. I'll have to get around to taking a picture soon. Plus, I also have the letters 'C' 'T' and 'R' that we're going to hang up the next time she comes.

I'm really looking forward to getting all of this stuff done and so glad that my mum is so good at this stuff and wants to help me with it.

Baby Update:
Dr said that Brettley is head down and growing very well. Always good to hear.

Thoughts and Admissions

I kind of stole this off of C's blog, but I need a pick-me-up at the moment because it's been a long day with cleaning and what not, so here goes:

1) What is your favourite day of the week and why?
It's probably Saturday because John is home from work and gets to spend the day with us. It's more relaxed than Sunday where I spend the majority of Sacrament Meeting fighting with my kids to behave in a remotely acceptable manner.

2) Recount an embarrassing moment.
When Caleb was about 2 or maybe not quite 2 we were in the checkout line at Safeway. He started pushing on my chest and yelling "SQUISHY". I was pretty mortified.

3) What was your favourite toy or game as a child?
I really liked Tinker Toys and I did go through a Barbie phase where I loved to come up with different outfits.

4) What does your name mean?
It's the female version of Nicholas and it means 'Victory of the People'. It's Greek.
For good measure, I'll do the other family names too.
John is Hebrew and means 'God is Gracious'.
Caleb is Hebrew and means 'Rage Like a Dog'.
Tyrell is English and means 'Stubborn'.

5) If you could have any occupation (and you had no limitations of obtaining that occupation), what would it be?
To be honest I don't have a desire to work outside of the home. Maybe a professional traveller, ha ha. Actually, I would love to teach full-time for CES.

6) What is your guilty pleasure?
Harry Potter Fan Fiction

7) If you could change anything about your appearance what would it be?
It used to be my chin, but now it's probably more the size of my tummy (pre-Perry) and the size of my chest. I'd like both to be a bit smaller.

8) If you could raise awareness about one topic (education, poverty, AIDS, etc) what would it be?
This is a tough one for me. I think as much as I love adoption and how wonderful it is, I'm going to have to pick mental illness. I mean to not just get people to admit that it exists, but to TRULY understand what it is and how it affects people. Because let's be honest here, if you don't live with it then you don't truly get it. In our house we understand a lot about OCD and Bipolar because that's what we live with, but there are so many people (us included) who don't understand why people do the things they do when they're living with mental illness and because we in the Bly house live with it we do understand how frustrating it can be when people just don't get it. (Just to be clear, I'm not at all intending to pick on anyone. It's just a topic I'm passionate about, especially after this last year.)
Of course, it would be best if more people understood what the Gospel is and what it can do for them. So can I at least pick 2? The Gospel and Mental Illness

Hope you have a wonderful weekend. I'm going to order Ty's birthday cake tomorrow. Hopefully they'll have a Caillou one, that's his obsession at the moment.

39 More Days Until Utah

This weekend we got Ty's room cleaned right out and set the toddler bed up in there for him. We also cleaned Caleb's room really well again. I was pretty sick for most of the weekend, so that stunk. On Friday we went to our ward's Cultural Night. We brought Swedish Meatballs as our dish as I'm part Swedish (which I've only found out in the last few years and I think is super cool). There was a lot of really good food there and we had a lot of fun. We managed to squish our family and John's sister's family at one round table so we had 4 adults and 8 kids there. The youngest two had to sit on laps. Caleb fell in love with meatballs and spring rolls.

Activity Days on Wednesday went really well, it was my easiest activity yet. It's great because the men are so laid back and were pretty much "There's food? This is awesome." I had lots of fun, and it was very obvious that the girls did too.

Not too much else is new here, though. I've got a lot going on this week though, I hope it all goes okay. Since this upcoming Sunday is Father's Day, I want to make a note of some important men in my life.

First is D, who is a wonderful man and great Father to L. I hope he has a wonderful Father's Day.

Second is Jason, who is like my Church dad. He is super amazing and the world needs more good people like him.

Third is my little Roo, who really isn't so little anymore. He was the man of the house as we were growing up and I'm very proud of the man that he has become.

Fourth is Dad Bly who is always there for me when I need someone to calm me down and help me level out, who has been one of the most supportive people through my struggles this last year. I sure lucked out in the father-in-law department, I got the best of the best.

Fifth is Dad Mattson, my dad, who has been so helpful with watching the boys and is always there for me when I need something during the day when John can't make it home.

Sixth is John. I love you so much and I'm so grateful to be your eternal companion. I'm so glad that we are experience the trials and blessings of parenthood together.

Seventh and last, is my loving Heavenly Father who loves me more than I can comprehend and who has helped me find a life so much better than the one that I had. This coming weekend will be 6 years since my baptism and confirmation and I'm so grateful to have Heavenly Father as a part of my life. Je t'aime.

End of May Already

I just spent a fair amount of time going back and deleting the majority of the comments left on my blog. It's nothing personal, it's just that I'm working towards having my blog made into a book for us to keep, so I'm trying to condense stuff. I did keep some of the comments that were more important to me, though.

I've been busy blogging this week, but none of you would know that, obviously. I've created two private blogs. One for just John and I, and one for just me. I find that it's a LOT easier for me to keep up with stuff on the computer than it is for me to keep up with a paper journal. In the private blogs I can be as open and honest as I want, which is good.

On Friday we had the Diaz family over for supper. It was fun. Then later that night I went to Jen's place and made some cards. It was SO nice to do that again. I have to admit, I'm still a bit gunshy when it comes to friends. It seems like every time I make a good friend, they go inactive or they move out of the ward (except for Amber). But I'm working on getting over that, and Jen is great.

I spent Saturday and Sunday with a super bad headache. It's doing a lot better today, though, so that's really nice.

Anyways, going through my past posts this morning, I realized I still haven't talked about my big adventure. I guess I'm in there enough now, that I can start talking about it. I'm getting into volunteering and helping with FSA. I've been answering questions for a website that's being created, I'm helping with a committee for the conference and there's some other stuff going on that I can't talk about yet, but it's been great. I love adoption!

On the note of adoption, I had to write the Coles Notes version of my adoption story yesterday. I sent it off, and was asked if it would be possible to take out the part where I said that the biggest deciding factor was the sealing covenant. It ended up being reworded, but not taken out. The reason is this, without the sealing covenant, there would have been no adoption story. L wouldn't exist, cause she wouldn't be called L, she would have been Collette (family name). C&D wouldn't have their precious girl, because I would have stuck to my selfishness and attempted to raise her myself. Just another reason why I'm so grateful for the sealing covenant, because it helped to strengthen 2 families instead of the weak one that would have been.

Today marks 53 days until we will arrive in Utah. I have the countdown on my calendar on the desk and I check it every day.

So basically, things are going good here. I'm in a far better place about the baby girl situation. I've been doing so much better with my personal prayers and scriptures lately, and I'm certain that's the reason why. I just love the gospel:)

Thank you

Those of you that have been following my blog since the beginning probably know how nervous I am for this Sunday. I checked back to my posts about my last two Mothers Day experiences. They weren't as bad as I remember, actually. So maybe my positive thinking about this coming one will pay off and it will actually be good. Maybe? From what I understand from other birthmothers, their child's birthday is usually the hardest day of the year to deal with. It's not like that for me (I've even forgotten in the past that it was her birthday that day). My hard day is Mothers Day.

Don't mistake me. I do not regret my decision. I never have. But just because a decision is right doesn't mean that it comes completely without pain. But to be entirely truthful, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat for C & D.

Anyways, I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank the 3 most important mothers in my life.

First, thank you to J, my husband's mom. Thank you for raising your son to be a wonderful man, for teaching him the importance of the gospel, of being worthy to hold the priesthood, of serving an honorable mission for the Lord. Thank you for going through his years of waiting for the right girl with him so that when I was old enough and ready that he would be waiting for me. (John is over 8 years older than me and was almost 29 when we met).

Second, thank you to my mum. She is one of the most amazing women in the world. Thank you for always trying to do what's best for Roo and I, even though I'm sure it wasn't always easy to do. Thank you for having enough love for us that we never really felt the lack of a father in our home. "You were my mom, you were my dad, the only thing I ever had was you". I love you, I love you, I love you, Mum! I know you love to tease me about how I've become so much like you, but it makes me proud when you say that because you're so wonderful.

And last one...Come on, C, you knew this was coming! Thank you for being such a wonderful person and an amazing mother. I'm so glad to have helped you have something to celebrate on Sunday and I would do it over again because I love you so much. You have become such an inspiration to me. I don't think you realize just how much your blog lifts me up. It's helped me so much to appreciate you as a person and not just as L's mom. You feel like a friend to me, and I love you!

And Happy Mothers Day to all of my fellow mothers out there.

Oh, and here are the full lyrics to the song I quoted in my thank you to my mum. I danced with her to this song at her wedding reception and mine as well.

Thank You Mom by Good Charlotte

Always, always and forever
Always, always and forever

I'm sitting here I'm thinking back to a time when I was young...
My memory is clear as day
I'm listening to the dishes clink, you were downstairs, you would sing
Songs of praise
And all the times we laughed with you, and all the times that you stayed true to us
Now we'll say...

I said I thank you, I'll always thank you
More than you will know, than I could ever show
And I love you, I'll always love you
There's nothing I won't do, to say these words to you
That you're beautiful forever

Always, always and forever

You were my mom, you were my dad, the only thing I ever had was you, it's true
Even when the times got hard, you were there to let us know...that we'd get through
You showed me how to be a man, you taught me how to understand the things people do
You showed me how to love my God, you taught me that not everyone knows the truth

And I thank you, I'll always thank you
More than you will know, than I could ever show
And I love you, I'll always love you
There's nothing I won't do, to say these words to you
That you will live forever

Forever and ever
Forever and ever

Said I thank you, I'll always thank you
More than you will know, than I could ever show
And I love you, I'll always love you
There's nothing I won't do, to say these words to you
That I thank you, I'll always thank you
More than you will know, than I could ever show
And I love you, I'll always love you
There's nothing I won't do, to say these words to you
That you will live forever

How L Became LB

I really felt last night like I needed to blog about something because I don't talk about it often enough and it's a huge part of who I am. I am a birthmother. It's such a huge part of me. So many blessings have come to me because I chose to take on that title. I wouldn't be me without being a birthmother. There hasn't been a single day since L was born that I haven't thought about her. Not a single one. Anyways, I feel really prompted to share my story, so I will. Maybe some day I'll find out why I'm supposed to be doing this, but maybe I won't, who knows? Anyway, just to warn you, this is a long post, so grab yourself a lemonade or something first. Or maybe two.

The biggest thing to understand is that I did not grow up in my church. I was taught who the Savior was, but going to church and following the commandments to a T was not part of our life. My mum is a wonderful woman, don't mistake me. She taught me a lot about being a good person. However, as I grew older, I began to make more and more poor choices. I lost my virtue at the age of 14. I think about that now and I'm disgusted, but at the time, it felt natural to me. Anyways, in late 2003, I began dating B. I was still kind of on the rebound from my fiance breaking things off a few months before, but B was persistent about us dating, and so I gave in. B was 4 years older than me and had a son from his last relationship. B's son and I loved each other. I don't know if I could have loved him more if he were mine. Anyways, shortly into our relationship, B and I became physical. At first it wasn't according to my wishes, but I eventually moved past that. I grew closer and closer to B's son. I spoiled that kid rotten. B and I both moved into different homes than we'd been in and started acting more and more like a family. B's son and I did the whole Christmas thing together. I bought a tree and decorations and we put it up together. I bought a gingerbread house and we put that together. You get the picture.

B's ex, the mother of the boy, put a lot of pressure on B when it came to our relationship. She was basically making it so that I couldn't be around B's son anymore, and thereby making it so I could barely be around B. A few days after Christmas I told B that I couldn't take it anymore and hung up the phone. I called him back and tried to tell him that somehow we could work through this. He told me that I'd made my bed and I had to lay in it. Within a matter of days, I'd moved back in with my mum and turned into a wreck and B was in a new relationship with a girl who was pregnant with someone else's kid.

About a week and a half after the breakup, I went to B's place after going to the bar. I think now the only reason I went was because I was meant to hear what he had to say that night. I'd told him about how I'd been feeling really awful lately (physically), and he suggested offhandedly that maybe I was pregnant. I've thought I was pregnant in situations before that, so I pretty much had the attitude of "yeah, whatever, I WISH I was that lucky". Seriously. I wanted a baby SO badly. Anyways, a few days later, armed with money from my mum, I went to the drug store as soon as it opened and bought a pregnancy test. My friend, DW, called me on my cell while I was there. I told her what was going on and she came to pick me up and brought me back to my house. She waited in the family room as I took my test. I did my thing with the stick, but really didn't have to wait. There were two lines! I'm not going to lie. I was shocked, but I was overjoyed. I was so happy that I was going to have a baby. I came out and DW says "It was negative wasn't it?". She knew how much I wanted this. I shook my head and she started jumping and screaming "I'm going to be an Aunty".

I believe the first person I called was B. His reaction to me saying "I'm pregnant" will probably stick with me for the rest of my life. He said "Well isn't this just f'in great". OUCH! I had assumed that since we'd JUST broken up, that we were still repairable, that we would work through this together and create a life for our child together. I must have called my mum after that, but I honestly don't remember anything about telling her.

I called in sick to work and DW took me to her Dr's office so I could have a 'proper' test done. The Dr asked me a question I'd never heard before. "Is this pregnancy unwanted? Not unplanned, but unwanted?" I assured him that it was very much wanted, thanked him and went on my merry way to the hospital to pee in a cup. That whole day I spent driving around with DW waiting for my results, even though I already knew what they were. Sure enough, the office confirmed that I was pregnant, congratulated me and gave me a butt load of free stuff.

B started going around town telling everyone that the baby wasn't his. Of course I knew it was his and that it couldn't possibly be anyone else's, but that didn't seem to matter. B and I stopped talking for a while and he spread vicious rumours about me. It was awful. I was alone and pregnant and had to deal with this as well. I think somewhere before we stopped talking he told me to get an abortion. I told him that it wasn't an option and never would be.

In March I went away for the weekend for DW's wedding. They were a month pregnant at the time and we enjoyed our pop together while everyone else drank. Right before we were leaving to go back home, B called me on my cell and left a message. I checked it and almost died of shock when I found out who had called. I called him back. He wanted to be on speaking terms again. I went to the gift shop and bought him a Fox Racing hat and went on my merry way. He and I drove around that night and talked. He told me that he wasn't ready for another child and asked again if I would get an abortion. I told him that 1) I would never do that and 2) I was no longer in my first trimester. So he started talking about adoption.

My mum got me into the health centre and I had someone talk to me about my 'options'. To be perfectly honest, I didn't really listen. I had every intention of parenting my child. All I'd ever wanted was to be a mother, and no one was going to take that away from me. However, I politely took information about some adoption agencies. I showed them to B. He wasn't terribly interested in being involved with the process. One night after I'd finished babysitting his son for him we got into a huge fight about something (probably the baby), and so I left all of the adoption information in his hallway and left.

We still talked after that, but I refused to consider adoption anymore. That was his wish, not mine. I felt like he was telling me that his son mattered to him and was allowed to be with him, but my child didn't matter and wasn't allowed to be with me. It felt so unfair. Anyways, we became pretty good friends (or so I'd thought), which mostly consisted of me being willing to do favours for him and him taking advantage of it. I was trying to win him over to help make a home for our baby. He totally milked my desperation for all it was worth. He did, however, get talked into coming to a couple of prenatal appointments and my first ultrasound appointment. I thought if I got him more involved with the baby that he would start caring more. Apparently I was wrong.

In April, B's son had his birthday. I quit smoking that day. I think it was 2 days later that B and his son came to say goodbye before they took off to Ontario (where they were from). B had told me a few days before that they were going. I was losing it, seriously losing it. I had a knife in my room and had held it to my wrist a few times. I held on long enough to say goodbye to them. I think they were only an hour out of town when my mum took me to the ER and I had to admit to the Dr on call that I was pregnant, the father had just taken off on me and I was suicidal. That admission earned me a week in the hospital.

I remember thinking during that week that I'd picked the worst week EVER to quit smoking, but I stuck it through. I had daily visits from a lady with Mental Health. She wouldn't recommend my release from the hospital until I signed a contract with her stating that I wouldn't try to kill myself. I told her that if I was dead, then the contract really wouldn't matter anymore. That comment was actually the reason I was in the hospital for as long as I was. But seriously, I'm not stupid enough to think that some contract to some lady I barely even know the name of is going to keep me alive. I got a visit from a spiritual leader. We just chatted (we knew each other from him substituting in my high school and his wife being the art teacher). Some time during that week I made a very important decision. I wanted God in my life. Like, permanently. I didn't want to be a Sunday Christian, someone who goes to church on Sunday and says that they believe in it all and then goes home, has a beer and maybe does some grocery shopping that afternoon. I wanted the WHOLE deal. I went to my Mental Health lady with a contract we could both agree on. I would make the contract with my brother, a relationship I loved and honoured.

The next month after that I got myself onto EI, so I now had enough money to pay my cell phone bill and put some money onto my credit card balance. Then late in that month my friend called me up and told me that a mutual friend of our's was getting baptized and that she wanted me to be there for it. It was going to be on a Sunday. She was becoming LDS. Oh, I feel so bad saying this now, but my reaction was "so, another bites the dust, hey?". I would EAT those words very quickly. I met the missionaries on Saturday when we were all at KFC. I was obviously pregnant and expected them to be super self-righteous and tell me how horrible I was for being unwed and pregnant. Instead, Elder McMillan looked at my stomach and asked "so what's the baby's name?". At the time I thought I was having a boy, so I responded "Um, Caleb".

My friend asked me to come to church in the morning as well as the baptism that evening. I agreed. What could one Sunday morning hurt, right? Saturday night I prayed hard that I would know if I was doing the right thing by going to the LDS church. My friend that was getting baptized and I sat with the missionaries. We went through the opening hymn and prayer and the sacrament. It came time for the first talk. I'd felt a connection for a couple of years to the parable of the lost sheep. It was talked about in the first talk in church. I felt peace, I felt right, I KNEW then that I'd found what I was looking for. After church I went up to Elder Summers and asked, "So when can I take the first discussion?" I told him about what I'd felt with the talk. I took my first discussion that afternoon. They gave me a reading assignment. I read it while we were waiting in the church for the baptism. After her baptism was over I went to the missionaries and asked them if June 19th worked for them for my baptism. That's right, I was a golden contact, people.

Anyways, I went through the discussions and got baptized and still planned on parenting my baby. Adoption of course started coming up again, this time through the church. I started having dreams of Elders McMillan and Summers cutting open my stomach and ripping my baby out of me. It was bad. I mostly didn't want to consider adoption at that point because that had been what B wanted me to do, and I didn't want to give in to what he wanted. I started thinking about who I was going to ask to bless my baby. Elder Summers was transferred into Edmonton and Elder McMillan got a greenie, Elder Ball. I went for another ultrasound and found out I was having a girl. My mum and I went out and bought some super cute outfits and I couldn't wait to use them.

For some reason I was talking to Elder McMillan on the phone one night after they'd gotten in from the day. Adoption came up AGAIN and I was furious. I marched my large pregnant body across town to give him a piece of my mind. I told him I was coming and to be ready to talk outside (YES, I KNOW this is against the rules. Spirit of the law here, people, stick with me. This breaking of the rule helped L get an eternal family). On the way over there, Heavenly Father and I had a chat. He knew I didn't want to choose adoption. But I knew that eternal families were part of His plan for us. I realized that I was fighting a losing battle. McMillan, Ball and I spent a few hours outside talking about the decision. It's a night I won't ever forget. I even remember what the guys were wearing. There were SO many tears that night. I didn't want to lose the chance to be a mother, I didn't want to hurt my mum who had done so much already for this baby, I was so scared that no one would want me after this. I told McMillan that because of my pregnancy that I would never be able to get one the the 'elite' guys like him. I didn't want this to be my only chance to ever have a baby and to lose out on that. But I knew in my heart what was right. My daughter deserved so much more than what I could give her. I'd grown up in a broken home, I didn't want to condemn my child to the same life. I went back home with my mind made up. The next day I went to my Relief Society president and said "get the adoption lady back here please, I'm ready to talk". I think this was about 6 weeks before my due date.

I got hooked up with a case worker and I went through profile after profile. My mum was there and my RS president was, too. I picked up one profile and I felt something inside of me. These people were special. There had been other profiles that I'd liked, but there was just something about this one. C & D already had a boy, K, through adoption. I thought to myself, "she could have a brother, just like she was supposed to with B's son". I took 5 profiles home with me for a few days. My mum and I both ordered them in the order we felt was best. We did this seperately and came out with the exact same order. I called my case worker to let him know who I'd selected.

I met with C & D. I remember being asked if it was okay if they brought K. Are you kidding? Of COURSE it was okay. He was part of their family and I wanted to meet the boy who was going to be a big brother to my baby. I don't remember a lot about our meeting. I remember that I liked C & D a lot. I remember how impressed I was with K's speech and how polite he was. It was like K was telling me "I'm a wonderful kid and I'm as good as I am because of C & D. They can do this for your baby too." After we met with them, Mum took me to Swiss Chalet for lunch. I had a chicken caesar salad. I also knew that I'd made the right decision. C & D were meant to be my little girl's parents. They'd told me of 3 names that they liked for a girl. I now only remember 2 of them.

The rest is kind of a blur until I went into labour. I went to the hospital to get checked out. They confirmed that I was indeed in labour, but there was no doctor in town that could deliver the baby. The baby's heartrate started going nuts. It was at 200, then 20 and kept going back in forth. The jammed an IV into me, rolled me onto my side and put an oxygen mask over my face. I remember being asked if I wanted to deliver in Lloydminster or in Edmonton. I wanted some actual care, I chose Lloyd. They called an ambulance for me. My workers arrived and one of them was a guy I'd graduated with and my driver was the father of a guy I'd graduated with. AWKWARD! Anyways, Mum rode in the front and I had the quickest trip to Lloyd I'd ever taken.

The doctors there told me that the baby's heartrate was still going nuts. They broke my water and pumped saline into me. They told me if this didn't work that I would have to have an emergency c-section. Luckily, it worked. She calmed down, I spent the night in the room labouring and somewhere in there got an epidural from a very nice anesthesiologist who joked around with me while he was working. Around 7am I felt like I had to push, so they brought me into a delivery room. I pushed for 2 hours, and delivered a wrinkly little girl around 9 am. I spent some time with her in the hospital, but not a lot. She spent a lot of time in the nursery. I didn't want to get too attached, I didn't want to change my mind. I was given the registration of birth form. I chose one of the names that C & D had told me they liked. I chose L. For her middle name I used C's name. It didn't matter, they could change it, but I felt like I had to do something. C later thanked me for not sticking L with "Baby Girl Mattson" for a year, ha ha.

The day after I had L was placement day. We did the placement in the chapel at the hospital. My mum was there, C & D, C & D's case worker, my birth rep from my stake, my RS president, L and me. Did I miss anyone, C? It was really good. I felt reassured that I was doing the right thing. D gave me a priesthood blessing and I was promised that I would have the oppourtunity to be married in the temple to a righteous RM (which I did). At some point I got up and placed L in C's arms. HARDEST. THING. EVER. The best thing I've ever done, something I've never regretted, but oh my gosh, it was so hard. We talked for a while longer and then it was time for me to go. We were walking in the hallway and Mum asked whoever was with us if they minded if we could duck into a room together for a minute. We cried. HARD! We held each other and I don't know how my mum held on for me as well as she did. She rubbed my back and told me that it was going to be okay and that I did the right thing and that she was so proud of me. We calmed down and collected ourselves. We stopped at Tim Horton's on the way out of the city. Mum bought me a bottle of Sprite and a glazed donut. C & D got a beautiful baby girl, one that I'd wanted so badly. I got a pop and a donut.

It's an hour long drive from Lloyd to Wainwright (unless you're labouring in an ambulence). I don't remember a single minute of it. I remember the night I got home that McMillan and Ball came to see me, and to say goodbye. They were both being transferred out the next day. The next 10 days were a blur to me. I'm sure C & D spent every single one of them being paranoid every time that their phone rang. I just hung around the house with the dog and recovered from having a baby. I had visitors and got flowers and cards. No one seemed to know what to say other than "you did a really good thing. I'm proud of you." I'm usually the queen of putting on a brave face for the world, and man did I rock that talent during those 10 days. On day 11, I bawled my eyes out. That was when I felt the loss the most, after it was too late to take it back anyways. My mum held me again that night as I cried and cried. Now that I'm a mother, I can only imagine how bad her heart must have been breaking to watch me go through that.

After day 11, things got easier. I focused on my FHE group and quickly started home study seminary. 6 weeks after L was born, I was at my branch president's house reading his son a book about Hershey's chocolate. My cell phone was on the kitchen window sill from when I'd been in there with K (the branch president's wife) earlier. My branch president (V) answered the phone for me. Guess I should say here that my branch president was also my cell phone dealer, and was B's at one point, too. V brought my phone to me, and said "Nikki, it's B". He rushed his son out of the room to give me some privacy. I answered me phone. B says "Who the H*** answered your phone?" "Um, V, the cell phone guy" "What the H*** is the cell phone guy answering your phone?" I explain to him that V is my branch president and blah, blah, blah, I'm friends with V's wife, blah, blah, blah. So then he asks, "So how's the baby?" "I wouldn't know, I haven't seen her in 6 weeks" "What? Why?" "I placed her for adoption" "You said you wouldn't do that" "I changed my mind. But make no mistake, I did it for her, not for you" "It was a girl?" "Yeah." "Oh". We talked more after that about what had happened. I got off of the phone and V and K asked me if I was okay. I was. I finally felt like the hard part of the process was over now that I'd had a chance to tell B what had happened.

A month and a half after L was born I turned 20. I celebrated with the missionaries, a friend I'd known since we were just out of diapers, her boyfriend and my branch president's son. My friend had just started working at a local daycare and suggested I apply there. I needed a job, so I did. I got the job and fell in love with it. I got my kid fix in a healthy way. I felt healed.

Anyways, there's more to the story than that, but this has turned into the longest post EVER, so I'll leave it at that. If anyone ever has questions, they are free to ask. I'm insanely open about my adoption experience, so no question is really too personal.

However, something came up last night while I was talking to John. I told him that since I've joined the blogging world that I've found out that a lot of adoptions through LDSFS are WAY more open than L's. These people e-mail each other and visit with each other. My agreement is a letter and pictures at specific ages. John and I talked about if I'd known then that openness agreements could be more open than mine would I have asked for a more open agreement. In short, the answer is no. There is one specific time that I wish it had been more open. It was when I got married. I needed people who felt like family to be with me that day. I had one couple who was actually there for me. My old RS president and her husband (who is kind of like my church dad). Bro and Sis O. Bro O was one of our witnesses and Sis O was my attendant or whatever they call it. And I love those two, I really do. But they were not the couple I originally wanted there. I had wanted C & D. That's the only day I wish that I'd had a more open relationship with them. Other than that, the agreement that we have is what allowed me to heal as quickly as I did. I have seen L once since placement day, and it was entirely by accident. My SIL and I were driving back from her in-laws' place and we passed by C & D's house because it's on the way. L and her brother were on the front yard playing and C was sitting on the steps. My SIL kept asking me if I was okay. Was I? Yes, because she was where she was meant to be.