October 2017

The first few days of October our region had a massive snow storm. The boys even got to experience their first official snow day. Snow seems to make many people in my life sad, angry and other negative emotions. I'm generally indifferent to it. It looks super pretty sometimes, but mostly it's just part of living in Alberta and that's how I see it. This time, the snow felt like home. I live in the desert of Alberta now. It's hot, it's dry and it's crazy windy in this Chinook region. Snow gave me a sense of familiarity.


John and the boys stayed home on our snow day. I baked super amazing massive chewy chocolate chip cookies as well as some diabetic friendly peanut butter cookies for John. I also baked a Saskatoon Berry Pie that week. That's my favourite kind of pie in the whole world, but it was the first time I've ever made one. I also had my birthday that week, which I mentioned in my previous post. The highlight of that day was a surprise visit from my brother. Love that guy!

John and I actually were able to find Rod's grove. It's a bench surrounded by trees and flowers that was made by John's dad's friends after he passed away. I kept asking family here where it was and they'd always say something like "oh, it's by so-and-so's house". Um... I don't know where people live here. But anyway, we finally found it and we love it!

We had our municipal election. Holy doodle, I've never heard people in Canada get that nasty about an election in Canada ever before. It was not fun and I was glad when it was over. There was some humour though when someone grabbed some of the election signs from a neighbouring town (that we apparently have a bit of a rivalry with) and put them up here in town.

We had a heartwarming experience in the pharmacy mid-month. John and I were in the pharmacy to get my prescription for my meds filled. The store was having some system issues with their debit machine while they were ringing through the lady ahead of us. The cashier let us know what the total was for my pills in case we had the cash to cover it. We both realized we had no cash and kind of figured John would have to go to the bank to take out money for it. Then, the kind lady in front of us put down the cash on the counter to cover the cost of my meds and told the cashier she was paying for them. Neither of us knew her, but she was willing to pay for my meds for me, no questions asked. It was a bright ray of light in what has been a very dark time for me. 

John and I have been going on Saturday date in to Lethbridge in conjunction with our weekly grocery shopping. 2 weekends ago I got some jeans that fit (I had none) and then we went for brunch at Firestone. I had half of a club sandwich and cheddar broccoli soup. So delicious! We LOVE Firestone. It was my belated birthday meal since I wasn't doing well around my actual birthday.

The boys did their annual Primary Presentation. It was Caleb's last one. They all did great. Brettley even complimented Ty loudly after he said his part. It made us chuckle. 

Ty turned 9 and I did a post saying 9 things about him on Facebook. Here they are:

1) He is, hands down, the winner for recipient of 'most lines I never thought I'd have to use as a parent'.

2) His favourite colour is blue.

3) He loves Disney Princess movies. 

4) He is doing choir in school this year. He also likes to serenade the shower-head regularly.

5) He is my only boy who has hazel eyes or who is a south paw. Both are traits he shares with his dad.

6) Ty loves math, it is by far his favourite school subject.

7) He loves to talk randomly about cotton candy and/or pigs. He also randomly likes to rotate.

8) Well, really, he's just incredibly random in general.

9) Ty is an extremely happy person. I'm sure Heavenly Father gave him to me as my own personal ray of sunshine.

I had quite a few comments from people after my last blog post. It made me grateful that I chose to break my public silence about my struggles. Things seem a lot more positive having that added support. THANKS, GUYS!

Today we're enjoying Halloween, so here is our annual picture. Caleb is a military pilot, Ty is Harry Potter and Brettley is Boba Fett.

Blog Post #500

I just finished frosting and piping Ty's birthday cake. He turned 9 today. As I was squeezing blue icing out of a tube to make a lightning bolt and write a message on his cake, the irony of the situation was definitely not lost on me. In fact, it was screaming loudly, demanding to be heard. The last time I did any piping on a cake was for Ty's first birthday. I won't cherry coat this post, so this is your warning to turn back if you don't want the details.

My "on this day" on Facebook has been so kind the past few months to remind me that this time 8 years ago I had entered the worst depression cycle of my bipolar disorder that I'd ever experienced. John's parents came up for Ty's first birthday. Not because we'd asked them to come celebrate with us, but because they came to pick up our 2 boys to go stay with them for a couple of weeks. Not because we wanted the boys to have a super fun time with Grandma and Grandpa, but because I was non functioning. I couldn't even take care of myself, let alone 2 very young boys. Over the next half a year after that, my boys would spend many weeks down here with their grandparents as we tried desperately to figure out the best way to help get me okay again.

Here is the irony that I was mentioning I felt. I am currently struggling with the worst depressive episode I've had in the last 8 years. After our move down here I could feel myself sinking, but at first I thought it was because John was still working up in Edmonton and that once he was down here things would level out a bit again. Well, he got here over 2 months ago. Things kept getting steadily worse instead of better, especially once the boys started school. I went from having a clearly defined purpose last year as a full time mother and teacher to having nothing and no one to keep me occupied during the day for five days a week. I don't know who I am anymore. I've wondered a lot why we are counselled very heavily to be at home when our kids our young if possible, but no counsel is given about what to do once they're all in school full time. I feel so lost. I am still without a calling (other than being a visiting teacher).

By the time Caleb's birthday rolled around last month, I had severe, debilitating anxiety attacks daily. I absolutely had no desire to read anymore, which if you know me you would know is a clear sign that something was very wrong. I no longer had a desire to live. My mind began formulating plans about how and when would be the best way to commit suicide. I was able ignore it when it was just the 'when'. However, as soon as the 'how' came, I told John how bad things had gotten.

A few days after I told John I was already in an appointment with our new family doctor telling him how bad things were with me. Bless that man's heart, I definitely chose a wonderful doctor for our family. He started me back on meds. He arranged an appointment for me with a short term counselor. He asked me to come back in a week. I had my niece with me during the days that week, and we asked my dad come and stay with me for the following week. I knew I was a danger to myself, and we took steps to ensure I was safe.

That next week, while my dad was here, I had to up my dosage from the starting dose to the next dosage as ordered by my doctor. That was the night before my birthday. Now, if you've ever taken Seroquel or are close to someone who has, you know that adjusting to Seroquel makes you exhausted beyond reason. The brain fog is awful and all you want to do all of the time is fall asleep right where you are. You basically look stoned and really aren't coherent. That's how I spent my birthday as I first met with the short term counselor and then with my family doctor.

The meeting with the counselor went well, but she felt I would be better off with someone who does long term counselling, so she asked if I was okay with that. I knew that was what I needed, so I agreed and we got that going. She had me start to fill out my safety plan to help keep me safe. Then I met with my doctor, who decided that we were going to cover all of our bases and he referred me to a psychiatrist as well.

I was able to meet with my new counselor the following week. I felt very quickly that she would be a very good fit for me. I find it incredibly easy to talk to her, and we share several common interests. We meet again next Tuesday. Since then I've met with my doctor again and I got an appointment set with the psychiatrist for Nov 28. I'm also on the cancellation list for that, so it could be sooner.

It baffles me how quickly things move down here. Within a month of me telling John how bad I'd gotten, I've had 3 doctor appointments, 2 counseling appointments and have a psychiatrist appointment booked for just over a month from now. I'm not used to things moving this quickly, but I sure appreciate it.

This past Sunday I forced myself to go to church because it was our ward's Primary Presentation. More particularly, it was Caleb's last Primary Presentation. Church is painfully hard for me when I'm struggling with anxiety. Sitting still in a room full of people is about the most torturous thing for my anxiety. I was blessed to make it through Sacrament Meeting without any major issues. They sure hit during Sunday School, though. During my second panic attack, our bishop happened upon us. He invited John and I in to his office, where John gave him an extremely brief overview about what's been going on. Bishop asked me if I would like a blessing, which I did. It was so helpful. Our bishop also asked me to work up to walking for an hour outside every single day. I felt well enough after the blessing to try to go to Relief Society. I walked in and sat off to the side by myself. John's aunt immediately motioned for me to move my chair next to her. She then put her arm around me for about half of the lesson. She didn't know the details about what was wrong. She just knew I needed comfort and she gave it, no questions asked. I thanked Heavenly Father right then and there for her.

John and I went for a walk yesterday after our family dinner, and I went for another this morning. Despite the windy walks making me very tired, I did feel better during both of them. I did feel calm and peace while I was walking.

Now, I'm not all better right now. In fact, I'm painfully aware that it will be a long road before I level out again. And that's a good thing, because it means it'll be less likely to act like a yo-yo and just keep swinging from hypomanic to depression. In fact, on the whole, things still feel horribly sucky a lot of the time right now. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. And THAT is a win.

I've known for this past month that I wanted to write about this part of my personal journey with mental illness and mental health for my post #500. I want to make a difference. I want to be an inspiration to others who feel like the fight isn't worth it. Because it doesn't always feel like it. When you struggle with feeling severely depressed and suicidal, you have many times where it feels impossible to want to keep going. I want to be that proof that those days don't last forever, and that there's a way to get past them without devastating your family and/or friends. In my safety plan I had to list my reasons for living. In addition to my family, one of the things I wrote was that I can't help others if I give in to this. So I will stay and I will continue this fight, even in the many moments right now that it doesn't feel worth it. Because once I get through it, having fought through it will mean everything.