May Part 1

I feel like I've been giving a way most of what we own. It's not really true, there's just a lot of big stuff we're getting rid of so that we don't have to store it for the next few years. The one sad part is that Rogue is one of the things we've had to find a new home for. She goes there on Wednesday. We'll sure miss her!

We got Moana and the boys love it! I also finally fixed Caleb's bike tires and bought him a new helmet, so he's a happy guy.

After raising a lot of money for the Canadian Cancer Society through a fun fundraising idea, I held up my end of the bargain and currently am rocking teal hair. Luckily, my 3 weeks with it will be up at the end of this month and I can dye it back before the move, ha ha.

Sadly, the Oilers were done in the playoffs after round 2. It's a sore topic up here in Oil Country because of 'certain people and events' involved in a couple of the games, but I'm looking forward to them having another good run next year.

We went to visit my mum for Mother's Day. I woke up in a lot of pain and it continued throughout the day. *sigh* back spasms. I did get treated to a wonderful breakfast of bacon, hashbrowns and eggs, though. The boys gave me a few fun and cute items. I also decided that next year I'll end my annual boycott of Mother's Day and actually go to church that Sunday. (side note - Mother's Day is always my hard day of the year as a birth mother)

John and I went to IKEA for a supper date this evening. Today is 12 years since we first met at church. I still feel like the luckiest person in the world for getting to be his wife!

L and What She Means to Me

I'm 2 days late. It's been a really off week in our house. I think the kids got spring fever early this year, no one has been sleeping properly and I was about ready to pull my hair out (so I just cut most of it off instead, ha ha).

So for the 4th Thursday of each month, it will be about something that's been going through my mind recently. I call it the Musings & Soapbox Moments week.

This month I decided to talk about how L is really the best thing that's ever happened to me. So just in case you've been living under a rock or are new to my blog, here's who L is. Just over 11 years ago I found out that I was pregnant. I was not married at the time. Nor was I a member of my church at the time, that happened about 2/3 of the way through my pregnancy. When L was born, I placed her with the people who were meant to be her family. At the time, it was her mom, her dad and her older brother. She now has 2 younger brothers as well. L is the only girl I've given birth to and she holds a very special place in my heart. It's probably a good thing that my husband and I have all boys, it makes her that much more special.

So I realized that it may sound odd to say that she's the best thing that ever happened to me, above my conversion and baptism, my marriage, and my sons. But here's why. I would have had NONE of those things if I hadn't been pregnant with L. It is because I was pregnant with her, that my heart was softened and I was ready to gain a testimony and join the church. Because of joining the church, that is how I met my husband and was able to be blessed with our boys.

I remember a quote from somewhere about Heavenly Father permitting hard/bad things to happen to us because He can see how much good will come out of them. Being pregnant with L was hard. Going through the emotional stress of the pregnancy was super hard. Making the decision to place her was beyond hard. Yet every good thing that I have in my life, I have because I was blessed enough to carry that girl for 9 months and help to bring her into this world. It's why I have always had the peace that I do about making the decision to place her. Because she gave me everything that she was meant to give me, but she was never meant to be mine. But I will be eternally grateful for her, because of all of the amazing things I have in my life that she helped to prepare me for.

There is so much beauty in adoption, and I'm so grateful for everything that my small part in it has given to me.

L Got Baptized

L was baptized on Saturday. Over 8 years ago I knew that one of the reasons I made the decision that I did was so that when she turned 8, she could be baptized by her dad, which is exactly what happened. No matter how much it has hurt at times through the past 8 years, I know in my heart that the experience she had this weekend is exactly what I wanted for her when I did the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. She is amazing, her parents are amazing and they deserve all of the happiness in the world.

I know that D is a man that respects the priesthood he holds. I've felt it as he placed his hands on my head the day I placed L in C's arms when he gave me a blessing that I've thought back on many times. I'm so grateful that she is being raised in a home with such a wonderful father and priesthood holder and by a mother that is so awesome that I can't even put it all in to words. The love and gratitude that I have for C is beyond description and she will never fully know how much I admire her. When it comes down to it, I think these feelings are what adoption should really be about. I don't feel resentment, I feel love and admiration. I feel gratitude beyond anything I can ever express. These 3 people hold a special place in my heart that I go to at least once every day. I am so proud of L for making the choice to be baptized. That beautiful girl never fails to make me grateful to have had a hand in bringing her here to share her life with such an amazing family.

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

I can't believe it's been over a month since I posted. Okay, I can, but it still seems odd. I just never seem to have anything to write about. My brother got married this month and it was a great day with a fair few tears on my part. Caleb was a great ring bearer and took his duty very seriously. I even got to dance that night, which I hadn't got to do in OH SO LONG and really missed. I included my favourite picture of the day (myself, Caleb and my dad).

It's actually been a pretty tough month for me. I've realized that I haven't forgiven myself for something that everyone else (including Heavenly Father) has forgiven me for, which is the life I lead (before I joined the church) that ended up in my becoming a birth mother. I haven't been able to forgive myself for all of the pain that I ended up causing myself and other people as well. At least now I realize how I actually feel and am working on the problem. Forgiving ourselves, I think, is a lot harder than forgiving anyone else and I know that I'm in for a long and emotional process. It will be worth it, though.

So I'm a huge music junkie. I don't mean "I like to listen to music" or "I enjoy playing an instrument or singing", I mean "Music is my rock, has been for years and years and is my crutch in any given difficult situation". Naturally, I'm always wanting new music. So I asked one of the YW in our ward for some suggestions. I knew she was the kind of person that would suggest stuff that I'd probably actually like and relate to instead stuff I can just appreciate. One of the bands she recommended was Relient K. So I searched them on iTunes and had 2 thoughts as I listened to one of their songs. 1)This band plays a style of music that I absolutely love; and 2) This song title sums up EXACTLY how I've been feeling this last month, "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been". It boils down to me being grateful for having music in my life and the strength that it brings me. I may not be able to sing or to play, but I have an intense passion for music, and that in and of itself is a gift in my eyes.

Tomorrow is the Harry Potter party, which I'm pretty excited about. Also, Caleb starts grade 1 next week, which we're BOTH really looking forward to. I think September is going to be a much better month. Now to pack my trunk for Hogwarts...

Rough Day

7 years ago I was in a delivery room, about to give birth to the most beautiful girl in the world. In the past, her birthday has never been a problem for me. I celebrated the fact that she was born, and all that she gave me.

Of course this year would be different. Mother's Day was wonderful, so I guess I needed to have another day that would be tough for me. I don't expect her birthday to be tough from now on. In fact, I expect this one will be the only really hard one for me. Because everything to do with a girl this year is hard for me. Watching friends have baby girls, knowing that the only girl I'll ever give birth to is the one I placed, it's been a really huge struggle. It eats away at me a lot more than I'd like to admit. Let's face it, no one likes a complainer and as much of a complainer as I am, I hold a lot back to keep it from being worse.

Just please allow me this one day to struggle. I wish people would stop reminding me of all of the good things that I have and trying to stop me from talking about what hurts. It's not going to get better if I don't talk about it. However, I know very few people who understand the bittersweetness of placing a child with another couple and I've only met 1 person who is in the same situation as me (placed a girl, married and then had 3 boys and won't be having any more kids). Thankfully, at least she told me that it's okay to hurt and that just because it hurts doesn't mean that I love any of my boys less than I should.

I would never want to be without Brettley in our lives. I love him. He is the sweetest little thing with a smile that can melt your heart. I love the other 2 boys as well. I just wanted a girl, too. A girl of my own. I pass cute little girl clothes in Walmart and I tear up. It hurts, it really hurts.

However, I am bound and determined that next year will be better. Because next year will be better. That sweet girl that B wanted me to abort will be getting baptized, and that is definitely something to be celebrated.

Letter To Myself

I love when I read thought provoking blogs. This morning's was "What Would You Tell Your 18 Year Old Self". I've decided to make record of this in my blog for myself because it's so interesting (to me). Read if you'd like, but please note that I'm writing this for my benefit, not your's, so no negative comments, please.

Dear Younger, Skinnier Self:

Your life for the next 8.5 years is going to be several battles, but the best parts of your life will come during this time as well. First, learn not to test people to see if they sincerely care for you. This will end up costing you the relationship that you're currently in.

Don't end up going to school next year to get away from that person. It will only end up costing you money that you don't need to be spending. Instead, find a decent job, get out on your own and enjoy life. Don't get your eyebrow pierced, for several reasons (one of them being that it will get infected about a month after you get it anyway).

When you are 19 you will find yourself pregnant and the father of the baby is not going to help out, regardless of how much you try to convince him otherwise. Do your best to take care of the baby and you will know how to make the best decision for the baby later on. (Oh, it's a girl, so stop calling it Caleb)

While you are pregnant you will be invited to go to a baptism and church service. Do not under any circumstances turn this down. We have done that once before. The decision to go will change your life for the better in ways that you couldn't possibly imagine.

About 5 weeks before your due date you will realize that the baby girl you're carrying is not meant to be your's. When you hold her parent's profile, you'll know in an instant that it's them that she's meant to be with. Knowing that and having a testimony of the importance of an eternal family will be what helps you to get through after placement.

You will go into labour a week early and there will be no doctor in Wainwright who can deliver. It will be a complicated labour, so get to the hospital immediately. The doctors in L-Town will know what to do and the baby will be fine. You will make it through this. Stay strong during delivery (even if you have to tell your mom that you love her, but to shut up).

There will come a time that you will need to move away from home and to be with people who share the same beliefs that you do. Moving back to L-City may seem appealing, but you need to go to GP. Trust me. Just don't bother trying to work at KFC, you'll end up in the hospital over that one.

A month after you move there you will meet a guy wearing a really ugly tie. Don't take too long to warm up to him, that man will end up being the best thing that ever came into your life. He will be the answer to your prayers and the man who takes you to the temple to give you an eternal family of your own. (Oh, and HE will be the one to throw the air hockey pucks at you, not G)

Choose your wedding party carefully. Don't ask people out of a sense of obligation, choose them by who is actually more important to you now. You will spend years regretting it if you don't. Also, make sure to invest in some really good cold medicine when you realize that you're sick a week before your wedding. Drink NeoCitrin like it's going out of style.

When you and your husband find out that you're pregnant, make sure that you get yourself to a doctor as soon as possible and give Diclectin a try again. If you don't, you'll end up spending almost 2 months in bed, and crawling to the bathroom will be the only exercise you'll get.

3 months after you've had your first beautiful baby boy you will end up being told you have post partum depression. Trust me when I say that it is a LOT more complicated than that. You have bipolar. Do NOT get medication for it from the doctor, it will work for only a very short period of time and will cause weight gain that you would probably spend the rest of your life trying to get rid of. There is a vitamin supplement that will work for you. Start researching EMPowerplus.

You will have 2 more amazing little boys. The last one will come early, but he will be fine. When nurses give you a hard time about not being there more, know that you are doing your personal best and that Heavenly Father is pleased with what you're doing. It will seem like hardly anyone cares about what you are going through while he is in the hospital, but if you stick close to the Savior during this time it will be fine. Remember, not everyone thinks about things the same way that you do.

During these 8.5 years there will be comments made by family members that will really hurt you. Do your best to shrug them off and not hold a grudge. There were said without tact, but not meant to be malicious and you will only end up hurting yourself.

Above all else, never ever ever fall away from the things you'll gain a testimony of while you are pregnant. This testimony gave you the wonderful things in your life that you have. It is what changed your life for the better. You will remember what your life was like before and you will know that it's not worth going back to. You are a wonderful person who is trying very hard. Don't think poorly of yourself. It doesn't matter if you don't look exactly the way that you want to. You will look beautiful to the guy with the ugly tie, and that's all that matters. You are beautiful within and that's the beauty that TRULY counts in life.

One more thing...There is a friendship that you've known for years is only out of a sense of obligation. Slowly phase it out now and don't look back. Trust me, you're far better off this way.

Hang in there. It will be rough, but it will be worth it all.

Love:
Your Future, No Longer Skinny But Even More Loved, Self

Day 6

A SONG THAT MAKES YOU CRY (OR NEARLY) AND WHY

The first is From God's Arms, To My Arms, To Your's (written by Michael McLean). If you've ever heard it and know anything about me, there's no explaination necessary. If you're missing one of the other, here it goes. It's a song written for a birth mother to sing to the adoptive parents that she was placing her child with. I am not that birth mother, but I am A birth mother to the most beautiful girl in the world, L.

Another is I Was Not His Father, He Was Mine (also by Michael McLean). It's from Forgotten Carols and it always makes me think about how hard it would have been to know that you're raising the Son of God and that no matter what, you would never be better than this perfect child that you're raising. I can't imagine how inadequate Christ's mother and Joseph must have felt while they were bringing him up.

Yeah, so those are my big 2 songs. There are other ones that have ocassionally made me cry such as I Stand All Amazed, How Great Thou Art, The Reason by Hoobastank and others.

Have a great Sabbath Day!

Thoughts and Admissions

I kind of stole this off of C's blog, but I need a pick-me-up at the moment because it's been a long day with cleaning and what not, so here goes:

1) What is your favourite day of the week and why?
It's probably Saturday because John is home from work and gets to spend the day with us. It's more relaxed than Sunday where I spend the majority of Sacrament Meeting fighting with my kids to behave in a remotely acceptable manner.

2) Recount an embarrassing moment.
When Caleb was about 2 or maybe not quite 2 we were in the checkout line at Safeway. He started pushing on my chest and yelling "SQUISHY". I was pretty mortified.

3) What was your favourite toy or game as a child?
I really liked Tinker Toys and I did go through a Barbie phase where I loved to come up with different outfits.

4) What does your name mean?
It's the female version of Nicholas and it means 'Victory of the People'. It's Greek.
For good measure, I'll do the other family names too.
John is Hebrew and means 'God is Gracious'.
Caleb is Hebrew and means 'Rage Like a Dog'.
Tyrell is English and means 'Stubborn'.

5) If you could have any occupation (and you had no limitations of obtaining that occupation), what would it be?
To be honest I don't have a desire to work outside of the home. Maybe a professional traveller, ha ha. Actually, I would love to teach full-time for CES.

6) What is your guilty pleasure?
Harry Potter Fan Fiction

7) If you could change anything about your appearance what would it be?
It used to be my chin, but now it's probably more the size of my tummy (pre-Perry) and the size of my chest. I'd like both to be a bit smaller.

8) If you could raise awareness about one topic (education, poverty, AIDS, etc) what would it be?
This is a tough one for me. I think as much as I love adoption and how wonderful it is, I'm going to have to pick mental illness. I mean to not just get people to admit that it exists, but to TRULY understand what it is and how it affects people. Because let's be honest here, if you don't live with it then you don't truly get it. In our house we understand a lot about OCD and Bipolar because that's what we live with, but there are so many people (us included) who don't understand why people do the things they do when they're living with mental illness and because we in the Bly house live with it we do understand how frustrating it can be when people just don't get it. (Just to be clear, I'm not at all intending to pick on anyone. It's just a topic I'm passionate about, especially after this last year.)
Of course, it would be best if more people understood what the Gospel is and what it can do for them. So can I at least pick 2? The Gospel and Mental Illness

Hope you have a wonderful weekend. I'm going to order Ty's birthday cake tomorrow. Hopefully they'll have a Caillou one, that's his obsession at the moment.

Caleb's Turnaround

Caleb had his turnaround this week. After a few weeks of tears and screaming (on pretty much everyone's part), it finally happened.

The first part of the week was really bad. I'll give you one day's example. On Wednesday, I had to go upstairs long enough to find out the location and hours of the dump due to the boys's previous day's activities. In the whopping 10 minutes that took me, the boys dumped a litre of canola oil and two full tins of baby formula on the floor and a kitchen chair and started smearing it all around. Needless to say, I was far less than impressed. If you've ever bought formula, you know that each can costs about $25, and they destroyed TWO!

We had actually ended up doing our date night on Tuesday after a particularly frustrating day. We went out for dinner and dessert. We went to the Swiss Chalet, and the service was very slow. Plus, the waitress gave me a Clamato juice when I'd specifically asked for tomato juice, which is frustrating as I don't like Clamato at all. The ribs in our meal were pretty good, though, and I loved my cheesecake. Now it's my month off and John's turn to plan dates for October. It should be interesting to see what he plans for us.

So on Wednesday, I finally got through to Caleb while he was cleaning up the formula (the bag of chips I bribed him with if he was good for a whole day may have helped). The only bad thing he's done since then was throwing a raging hissy fit last night, but he was tired from staying up hours past bedtime the night before. It's been wonderful to have my not-quite-so destructive Caleb back. We're getting along great now. He helps me when I need his help and is so happy to hear that he's being a good boy and making Mommy so happy. He keeps telling me that I'm beautiful (guess it's a good thing he's having an eye exam tonight, ha ha) and that he loves me. I love it and I love him, too.

As this weekend was General Conference, we spent a lot of the weekend in front of the TV watching it. Caleb woke up at 8:30 on Saturday and was crushed that it wasn't time to see the prophet on TV yet. It made me feel great and like I'm doing at least 1 thing right. Caleb lets it show how much he loves the prophet, temples, church/Sunbeams, saying prayers and Jesus. I love that he loves them.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll officially enter my late twenties. I had a brilliant plan for my birthday and Christmas this year. Normally I ask my parents to buy me things for the house. This year I was going to do something for me. I was going to ask for gift cards for HMV so I could save them up and get something I've been wanting for quite a while. My parents, however, ended up giving me enough in gift cards just for my birthday that I was able to get it without having to wait for Christmas. I was able to get the entire Stargate SG-1 series PLUS another season of Stargate Atlantis. I was VERY happy. My actual birthday will be nothing special as I'll be spending the night at a Birth Parent Support meeting, but I guess that's what happens as you get older.

So in the end I did have a good week and was able to remember just how special Caleb really is to me.

Rest of the Vacation

Young Women's camp was lots of fun, even though my arms and face got a bit crispy. It rained a lot that night, but I find rain relaxing and I love it, so it was all good.

On Thursday morning, we were very sad to leave Nate, Heidi and Addie's place. Caleb was especially sad, I think he really enjoyed having Addie to play with. We met up with my friend, Erin, who I'd never actually met in person before. We went to the Living Planet Aquarium in Sandy, UT. Caleb really enjoyed it. I think his favourite things were the jelleyfish, even though they had penguins. Ty seemed to really like the penguins, though. We bought them each a stuffed animal from there. Caleb wanted a shark, which we named Bruce, and Ty fell in love with a penguin, which John named Pengu. Then we went for lunch in Bountiful and I got to see the beautiful temple there. We also played at Erin's house for a bit.

Oh, and I bought the best diaper pail EVER that day. It's called a Diaper Champ. My add-ons are disabled and we can't figure out how to enable them again, or I would have added the link directly, but here is the address: http://www.babytrend.com/diaper_champ/DC50500.html

I went to a few classes on the first day of the FSA conference, and they were really good. We also went to the awards banquet (which had super yummy food including brie and herb stuffed filet mignon) and I went the the birth families mingle, which was cool because I got to meet other birth parents. I'm kind of sheltered up here in Edmonton without a group up here. I also got to meet Jill from The Happiest Sad and let her know that I read and enjoy her blog. So if you're reading this, "Hi Jill!" The next day I just showed up for the panel, since I was so nervous about it. I told a VERY brief overview of my story and then we answered some questions. Once it got started, I lost my nerves and the only hard part for me was suppressing a coughing fit while I was so close to microphones. We left right after the panel was done, because that was when my tears really hit me. I'm sure pregnancy hormones weren't helping very much, either.

That night we drove up to Pocatello and stayed in the grossest Ramada ever. We definately would have gone somewhere else if the hotel room hadn't been prepaid. It was not fun. We were up again early and went and met John's dad in Great Falls, returned the rental van and headed the rest of the way up to Magrath. Yesterday, we made the rest of the trip back home (in John's parents' van and without Caleb as he's staying down there for the week).

Anyways, I'd better publish this before my computer dies on me again. Hope you have a wonderful week:)

The Rest of the Secrets

I guess I can spill the other secrets now. I've just started being the secretary for the Canadian Regional Birth Parent Training Committee. I haven't really done anything yet, but I'm excited about it. It's through LDS Family Services, so I've gotten to talk to my case worker from L's adoption a few times in this last week. It should be really good though, and I'm so excited to be able to give back to the world of adoption. I know I've been talking about it a lot lately, and I'm sorry if it's boring the snot out of people, but it's something I'm really passionate about.

And I just found out yesterday that I'll be on the major birth parent panel during the FSA National Conference in Utah at the end of July. This means I'll be telling my adoption story and answering questions about adoption in front of hundreds of people. I will be honest, I feel like I'm going to need to bring a puke bucket with me. But I'm so honoured to do this. When I wrote the story out on here a couple of months ago, I bawled my eyes out while doing so. It was the first time I'd ever told the WHOLE story all at once. It was really hard. But so much good has come out of me writing that story. A from FSA read about it and things just kind of snowballed from there. I know now that I was prompted to write about it so that I could start serving in the adoption community the way that I'm going to be from now on.

I'm starting to get nervous about how I will handle the stress of these new responsibilities along with the stress of my calling in Activity Days. I was pretty stressed when it was just Activity Days. But I feel so strongly that I'm supposed to do this, so I have faith that I'll be given the strength that I need to serve.

50 Days Until Utah! YAHOO!!!

End of May Already

I just spent a fair amount of time going back and deleting the majority of the comments left on my blog. It's nothing personal, it's just that I'm working towards having my blog made into a book for us to keep, so I'm trying to condense stuff. I did keep some of the comments that were more important to me, though.

I've been busy blogging this week, but none of you would know that, obviously. I've created two private blogs. One for just John and I, and one for just me. I find that it's a LOT easier for me to keep up with stuff on the computer than it is for me to keep up with a paper journal. In the private blogs I can be as open and honest as I want, which is good.

On Friday we had the Diaz family over for supper. It was fun. Then later that night I went to Jen's place and made some cards. It was SO nice to do that again. I have to admit, I'm still a bit gunshy when it comes to friends. It seems like every time I make a good friend, they go inactive or they move out of the ward (except for Amber). But I'm working on getting over that, and Jen is great.

I spent Saturday and Sunday with a super bad headache. It's doing a lot better today, though, so that's really nice.

Anyways, going through my past posts this morning, I realized I still haven't talked about my big adventure. I guess I'm in there enough now, that I can start talking about it. I'm getting into volunteering and helping with FSA. I've been answering questions for a website that's being created, I'm helping with a committee for the conference and there's some other stuff going on that I can't talk about yet, but it's been great. I love adoption!

On the note of adoption, I had to write the Coles Notes version of my adoption story yesterday. I sent it off, and was asked if it would be possible to take out the part where I said that the biggest deciding factor was the sealing covenant. It ended up being reworded, but not taken out. The reason is this, without the sealing covenant, there would have been no adoption story. L wouldn't exist, cause she wouldn't be called L, she would have been Collette (family name). C&D wouldn't have their precious girl, because I would have stuck to my selfishness and attempted to raise her myself. Just another reason why I'm so grateful for the sealing covenant, because it helped to strengthen 2 families instead of the weak one that would have been.

Today marks 53 days until we will arrive in Utah. I have the countdown on my calendar on the desk and I check it every day.

So basically, things are going good here. I'm in a far better place about the baby girl situation. I've been doing so much better with my personal prayers and scriptures lately, and I'm certain that's the reason why. I just love the gospel:)

A Day Late Posting

I didn't post yesterday because I couldn't trust myself to not go completely bonkers. It was looking like we weren't going to be able to go to Utah, and I took it REALLY hard. However, we are still and officially making the trek. I registered John and I for the FSA Conference last night and booked our hotel room in Layton for the conference. I can't believe that Utah is only 59 days away. Less than 2 months. YAHOO!!! The last few months have been great. I have such a renewed passion for adoption. It is an amazing and inspired blessing and anyone who thinks otherwise needs reeducation.

Not a lot of news to report here. I went to 2 baby showers last week, both babies were girls. I came home from the first one and cried. I almost didn't go to the second one because I didn't think I'd be able to handle it. I'm glad that I decided to go, though. It was lots of fun and I got to hold the baby for a while. It was actually a calming thing instead of something that made me feel worse.

Friday night I went to a scrapbooking thing at the church. We made a set of Easter pages. It was fun and it got me back into cardmaking and scrapbooking, so John is really glad that I went. He was disappointed that I haven't been doing cards. I guess it fell apart when I got sick last year. So during the weekend we took down the crib and set up the hobby room.

Not too much else is really new here. Ty still thinks nursery is the worst thing ever invented. Caleb still loves primary and his teacher. He is actually learning some of the songs now, so that makes me happy. Well, I hope you all have a wonderful week.

Thank you

Those of you that have been following my blog since the beginning probably know how nervous I am for this Sunday. I checked back to my posts about my last two Mothers Day experiences. They weren't as bad as I remember, actually. So maybe my positive thinking about this coming one will pay off and it will actually be good. Maybe? From what I understand from other birthmothers, their child's birthday is usually the hardest day of the year to deal with. It's not like that for me (I've even forgotten in the past that it was her birthday that day). My hard day is Mothers Day.

Don't mistake me. I do not regret my decision. I never have. But just because a decision is right doesn't mean that it comes completely without pain. But to be entirely truthful, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat for C & D.

Anyways, I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank the 3 most important mothers in my life.

First, thank you to J, my husband's mom. Thank you for raising your son to be a wonderful man, for teaching him the importance of the gospel, of being worthy to hold the priesthood, of serving an honorable mission for the Lord. Thank you for going through his years of waiting for the right girl with him so that when I was old enough and ready that he would be waiting for me. (John is over 8 years older than me and was almost 29 when we met).

Second, thank you to my mum. She is one of the most amazing women in the world. Thank you for always trying to do what's best for Roo and I, even though I'm sure it wasn't always easy to do. Thank you for having enough love for us that we never really felt the lack of a father in our home. "You were my mom, you were my dad, the only thing I ever had was you". I love you, I love you, I love you, Mum! I know you love to tease me about how I've become so much like you, but it makes me proud when you say that because you're so wonderful.

And last one...Come on, C, you knew this was coming! Thank you for being such a wonderful person and an amazing mother. I'm so glad to have helped you have something to celebrate on Sunday and I would do it over again because I love you so much. You have become such an inspiration to me. I don't think you realize just how much your blog lifts me up. It's helped me so much to appreciate you as a person and not just as L's mom. You feel like a friend to me, and I love you!

And Happy Mothers Day to all of my fellow mothers out there.

Oh, and here are the full lyrics to the song I quoted in my thank you to my mum. I danced with her to this song at her wedding reception and mine as well.

Thank You Mom by Good Charlotte

Always, always and forever
Always, always and forever

I'm sitting here I'm thinking back to a time when I was young...
My memory is clear as day
I'm listening to the dishes clink, you were downstairs, you would sing
Songs of praise
And all the times we laughed with you, and all the times that you stayed true to us
Now we'll say...

I said I thank you, I'll always thank you
More than you will know, than I could ever show
And I love you, I'll always love you
There's nothing I won't do, to say these words to you
That you're beautiful forever

Always, always and forever

You were my mom, you were my dad, the only thing I ever had was you, it's true
Even when the times got hard, you were there to let us know...that we'd get through
You showed me how to be a man, you taught me how to understand the things people do
You showed me how to love my God, you taught me that not everyone knows the truth

And I thank you, I'll always thank you
More than you will know, than I could ever show
And I love you, I'll always love you
There's nothing I won't do, to say these words to you
That you will live forever

Forever and ever
Forever and ever

Said I thank you, I'll always thank you
More than you will know, than I could ever show
And I love you, I'll always love you
There's nothing I won't do, to say these words to you
That I thank you, I'll always thank you
More than you will know, than I could ever show
And I love you, I'll always love you
There's nothing I won't do, to say these words to you
That you will live forever

Utah Makes Me Smile

I still can't talk about the big adventure, but I'm still really excited about it and hopefully I'll have some news to share next week.

Something great happened yesterday. I actually managed to fast. I haven't done so for about a year now due to medication issues, but I figured that I would give it a try and see how it goes. I did fine all through the fast, but realized I might want to break my fast with a piece of toast about 30 minutes before I eat anything else. Too much at once doesn't make my tummy feel its best.

For Activity Days last week we made cards and crafts for our Mother's Day meeting next time. I ended up super frazzled because the other leader was helping one of our girls outside of the room for quite a long time and so I was trying to man two crafts (one of which was fairly messy and needed close supervision) by myself. However, I survived and the girls sounded like they had lots of fun, so it's all good.

Here is some exciting news that I CAN share. I'm going to be helping with the birthmothers committee for the FSA conference in July. FSA is Families Supporting Adoption. They are an organization sponsored by LDS Family Services which advocates a positive view of adoption and provides support to birth parents, adoptive families and all friends of adoption. The conference is going to be in Layton, UT and is the big push we had to finally make the trip down there. FSA has also put me in contact with a new friend who I think is just awesome:)

We are super excited about our trip to Utah. We got our passport applications in on Friday. I was so worried that something was going to be wrong with our photos or something, but the lady said that they were great and better than most photos. YAY! We are planning on heading down from Magrath to SLC on the 23rd and will head back to Canada on the 1st. We are both excited for it and John can always put a smile on my face now just by saying "Utah".

On Saturday, John and I went on a date for lunch. We were going to get sandwiches from Timmie's, but they were packed, so we ended up going to Red Robin instead. It's so nice to have some time to ourselves once in a while and I'm so grateful that my dad is willing to watch the boys for us when we need that time. The boys really enjoy their time with Grandpa Mattson, so it all works out.

That's about all for now, I guess. Hope you have a great week!

How L Became LB

I really felt last night like I needed to blog about something because I don't talk about it often enough and it's a huge part of who I am. I am a birthmother. It's such a huge part of me. So many blessings have come to me because I chose to take on that title. I wouldn't be me without being a birthmother. There hasn't been a single day since L was born that I haven't thought about her. Not a single one. Anyways, I feel really prompted to share my story, so I will. Maybe some day I'll find out why I'm supposed to be doing this, but maybe I won't, who knows? Anyway, just to warn you, this is a long post, so grab yourself a lemonade or something first. Or maybe two.

The biggest thing to understand is that I did not grow up in my church. I was taught who the Savior was, but going to church and following the commandments to a T was not part of our life. My mum is a wonderful woman, don't mistake me. She taught me a lot about being a good person. However, as I grew older, I began to make more and more poor choices. I lost my virtue at the age of 14. I think about that now and I'm disgusted, but at the time, it felt natural to me. Anyways, in late 2003, I began dating B. I was still kind of on the rebound from my fiance breaking things off a few months before, but B was persistent about us dating, and so I gave in. B was 4 years older than me and had a son from his last relationship. B's son and I loved each other. I don't know if I could have loved him more if he were mine. Anyways, shortly into our relationship, B and I became physical. At first it wasn't according to my wishes, but I eventually moved past that. I grew closer and closer to B's son. I spoiled that kid rotten. B and I both moved into different homes than we'd been in and started acting more and more like a family. B's son and I did the whole Christmas thing together. I bought a tree and decorations and we put it up together. I bought a gingerbread house and we put that together. You get the picture.

B's ex, the mother of the boy, put a lot of pressure on B when it came to our relationship. She was basically making it so that I couldn't be around B's son anymore, and thereby making it so I could barely be around B. A few days after Christmas I told B that I couldn't take it anymore and hung up the phone. I called him back and tried to tell him that somehow we could work through this. He told me that I'd made my bed and I had to lay in it. Within a matter of days, I'd moved back in with my mum and turned into a wreck and B was in a new relationship with a girl who was pregnant with someone else's kid.

About a week and a half after the breakup, I went to B's place after going to the bar. I think now the only reason I went was because I was meant to hear what he had to say that night. I'd told him about how I'd been feeling really awful lately (physically), and he suggested offhandedly that maybe I was pregnant. I've thought I was pregnant in situations before that, so I pretty much had the attitude of "yeah, whatever, I WISH I was that lucky". Seriously. I wanted a baby SO badly. Anyways, a few days later, armed with money from my mum, I went to the drug store as soon as it opened and bought a pregnancy test. My friend, DW, called me on my cell while I was there. I told her what was going on and she came to pick me up and brought me back to my house. She waited in the family room as I took my test. I did my thing with the stick, but really didn't have to wait. There were two lines! I'm not going to lie. I was shocked, but I was overjoyed. I was so happy that I was going to have a baby. I came out and DW says "It was negative wasn't it?". She knew how much I wanted this. I shook my head and she started jumping and screaming "I'm going to be an Aunty".

I believe the first person I called was B. His reaction to me saying "I'm pregnant" will probably stick with me for the rest of my life. He said "Well isn't this just f'in great". OUCH! I had assumed that since we'd JUST broken up, that we were still repairable, that we would work through this together and create a life for our child together. I must have called my mum after that, but I honestly don't remember anything about telling her.

I called in sick to work and DW took me to her Dr's office so I could have a 'proper' test done. The Dr asked me a question I'd never heard before. "Is this pregnancy unwanted? Not unplanned, but unwanted?" I assured him that it was very much wanted, thanked him and went on my merry way to the hospital to pee in a cup. That whole day I spent driving around with DW waiting for my results, even though I already knew what they were. Sure enough, the office confirmed that I was pregnant, congratulated me and gave me a butt load of free stuff.

B started going around town telling everyone that the baby wasn't his. Of course I knew it was his and that it couldn't possibly be anyone else's, but that didn't seem to matter. B and I stopped talking for a while and he spread vicious rumours about me. It was awful. I was alone and pregnant and had to deal with this as well. I think somewhere before we stopped talking he told me to get an abortion. I told him that it wasn't an option and never would be.

In March I went away for the weekend for DW's wedding. They were a month pregnant at the time and we enjoyed our pop together while everyone else drank. Right before we were leaving to go back home, B called me on my cell and left a message. I checked it and almost died of shock when I found out who had called. I called him back. He wanted to be on speaking terms again. I went to the gift shop and bought him a Fox Racing hat and went on my merry way. He and I drove around that night and talked. He told me that he wasn't ready for another child and asked again if I would get an abortion. I told him that 1) I would never do that and 2) I was no longer in my first trimester. So he started talking about adoption.

My mum got me into the health centre and I had someone talk to me about my 'options'. To be perfectly honest, I didn't really listen. I had every intention of parenting my child. All I'd ever wanted was to be a mother, and no one was going to take that away from me. However, I politely took information about some adoption agencies. I showed them to B. He wasn't terribly interested in being involved with the process. One night after I'd finished babysitting his son for him we got into a huge fight about something (probably the baby), and so I left all of the adoption information in his hallway and left.

We still talked after that, but I refused to consider adoption anymore. That was his wish, not mine. I felt like he was telling me that his son mattered to him and was allowed to be with him, but my child didn't matter and wasn't allowed to be with me. It felt so unfair. Anyways, we became pretty good friends (or so I'd thought), which mostly consisted of me being willing to do favours for him and him taking advantage of it. I was trying to win him over to help make a home for our baby. He totally milked my desperation for all it was worth. He did, however, get talked into coming to a couple of prenatal appointments and my first ultrasound appointment. I thought if I got him more involved with the baby that he would start caring more. Apparently I was wrong.

In April, B's son had his birthday. I quit smoking that day. I think it was 2 days later that B and his son came to say goodbye before they took off to Ontario (where they were from). B had told me a few days before that they were going. I was losing it, seriously losing it. I had a knife in my room and had held it to my wrist a few times. I held on long enough to say goodbye to them. I think they were only an hour out of town when my mum took me to the ER and I had to admit to the Dr on call that I was pregnant, the father had just taken off on me and I was suicidal. That admission earned me a week in the hospital.

I remember thinking during that week that I'd picked the worst week EVER to quit smoking, but I stuck it through. I had daily visits from a lady with Mental Health. She wouldn't recommend my release from the hospital until I signed a contract with her stating that I wouldn't try to kill myself. I told her that if I was dead, then the contract really wouldn't matter anymore. That comment was actually the reason I was in the hospital for as long as I was. But seriously, I'm not stupid enough to think that some contract to some lady I barely even know the name of is going to keep me alive. I got a visit from a spiritual leader. We just chatted (we knew each other from him substituting in my high school and his wife being the art teacher). Some time during that week I made a very important decision. I wanted God in my life. Like, permanently. I didn't want to be a Sunday Christian, someone who goes to church on Sunday and says that they believe in it all and then goes home, has a beer and maybe does some grocery shopping that afternoon. I wanted the WHOLE deal. I went to my Mental Health lady with a contract we could both agree on. I would make the contract with my brother, a relationship I loved and honoured.

The next month after that I got myself onto EI, so I now had enough money to pay my cell phone bill and put some money onto my credit card balance. Then late in that month my friend called me up and told me that a mutual friend of our's was getting baptized and that she wanted me to be there for it. It was going to be on a Sunday. She was becoming LDS. Oh, I feel so bad saying this now, but my reaction was "so, another bites the dust, hey?". I would EAT those words very quickly. I met the missionaries on Saturday when we were all at KFC. I was obviously pregnant and expected them to be super self-righteous and tell me how horrible I was for being unwed and pregnant. Instead, Elder McMillan looked at my stomach and asked "so what's the baby's name?". At the time I thought I was having a boy, so I responded "Um, Caleb".

My friend asked me to come to church in the morning as well as the baptism that evening. I agreed. What could one Sunday morning hurt, right? Saturday night I prayed hard that I would know if I was doing the right thing by going to the LDS church. My friend that was getting baptized and I sat with the missionaries. We went through the opening hymn and prayer and the sacrament. It came time for the first talk. I'd felt a connection for a couple of years to the parable of the lost sheep. It was talked about in the first talk in church. I felt peace, I felt right, I KNEW then that I'd found what I was looking for. After church I went up to Elder Summers and asked, "So when can I take the first discussion?" I told him about what I'd felt with the talk. I took my first discussion that afternoon. They gave me a reading assignment. I read it while we were waiting in the church for the baptism. After her baptism was over I went to the missionaries and asked them if June 19th worked for them for my baptism. That's right, I was a golden contact, people.

Anyways, I went through the discussions and got baptized and still planned on parenting my baby. Adoption of course started coming up again, this time through the church. I started having dreams of Elders McMillan and Summers cutting open my stomach and ripping my baby out of me. It was bad. I mostly didn't want to consider adoption at that point because that had been what B wanted me to do, and I didn't want to give in to what he wanted. I started thinking about who I was going to ask to bless my baby. Elder Summers was transferred into Edmonton and Elder McMillan got a greenie, Elder Ball. I went for another ultrasound and found out I was having a girl. My mum and I went out and bought some super cute outfits and I couldn't wait to use them.

For some reason I was talking to Elder McMillan on the phone one night after they'd gotten in from the day. Adoption came up AGAIN and I was furious. I marched my large pregnant body across town to give him a piece of my mind. I told him I was coming and to be ready to talk outside (YES, I KNOW this is against the rules. Spirit of the law here, people, stick with me. This breaking of the rule helped L get an eternal family). On the way over there, Heavenly Father and I had a chat. He knew I didn't want to choose adoption. But I knew that eternal families were part of His plan for us. I realized that I was fighting a losing battle. McMillan, Ball and I spent a few hours outside talking about the decision. It's a night I won't ever forget. I even remember what the guys were wearing. There were SO many tears that night. I didn't want to lose the chance to be a mother, I didn't want to hurt my mum who had done so much already for this baby, I was so scared that no one would want me after this. I told McMillan that because of my pregnancy that I would never be able to get one the the 'elite' guys like him. I didn't want this to be my only chance to ever have a baby and to lose out on that. But I knew in my heart what was right. My daughter deserved so much more than what I could give her. I'd grown up in a broken home, I didn't want to condemn my child to the same life. I went back home with my mind made up. The next day I went to my Relief Society president and said "get the adoption lady back here please, I'm ready to talk". I think this was about 6 weeks before my due date.

I got hooked up with a case worker and I went through profile after profile. My mum was there and my RS president was, too. I picked up one profile and I felt something inside of me. These people were special. There had been other profiles that I'd liked, but there was just something about this one. C & D already had a boy, K, through adoption. I thought to myself, "she could have a brother, just like she was supposed to with B's son". I took 5 profiles home with me for a few days. My mum and I both ordered them in the order we felt was best. We did this seperately and came out with the exact same order. I called my case worker to let him know who I'd selected.

I met with C & D. I remember being asked if it was okay if they brought K. Are you kidding? Of COURSE it was okay. He was part of their family and I wanted to meet the boy who was going to be a big brother to my baby. I don't remember a lot about our meeting. I remember that I liked C & D a lot. I remember how impressed I was with K's speech and how polite he was. It was like K was telling me "I'm a wonderful kid and I'm as good as I am because of C & D. They can do this for your baby too." After we met with them, Mum took me to Swiss Chalet for lunch. I had a chicken caesar salad. I also knew that I'd made the right decision. C & D were meant to be my little girl's parents. They'd told me of 3 names that they liked for a girl. I now only remember 2 of them.

The rest is kind of a blur until I went into labour. I went to the hospital to get checked out. They confirmed that I was indeed in labour, but there was no doctor in town that could deliver the baby. The baby's heartrate started going nuts. It was at 200, then 20 and kept going back in forth. The jammed an IV into me, rolled me onto my side and put an oxygen mask over my face. I remember being asked if I wanted to deliver in Lloydminster or in Edmonton. I wanted some actual care, I chose Lloyd. They called an ambulance for me. My workers arrived and one of them was a guy I'd graduated with and my driver was the father of a guy I'd graduated with. AWKWARD! Anyways, Mum rode in the front and I had the quickest trip to Lloyd I'd ever taken.

The doctors there told me that the baby's heartrate was still going nuts. They broke my water and pumped saline into me. They told me if this didn't work that I would have to have an emergency c-section. Luckily, it worked. She calmed down, I spent the night in the room labouring and somewhere in there got an epidural from a very nice anesthesiologist who joked around with me while he was working. Around 7am I felt like I had to push, so they brought me into a delivery room. I pushed for 2 hours, and delivered a wrinkly little girl around 9 am. I spent some time with her in the hospital, but not a lot. She spent a lot of time in the nursery. I didn't want to get too attached, I didn't want to change my mind. I was given the registration of birth form. I chose one of the names that C & D had told me they liked. I chose L. For her middle name I used C's name. It didn't matter, they could change it, but I felt like I had to do something. C later thanked me for not sticking L with "Baby Girl Mattson" for a year, ha ha.

The day after I had L was placement day. We did the placement in the chapel at the hospital. My mum was there, C & D, C & D's case worker, my birth rep from my stake, my RS president, L and me. Did I miss anyone, C? It was really good. I felt reassured that I was doing the right thing. D gave me a priesthood blessing and I was promised that I would have the oppourtunity to be married in the temple to a righteous RM (which I did). At some point I got up and placed L in C's arms. HARDEST. THING. EVER. The best thing I've ever done, something I've never regretted, but oh my gosh, it was so hard. We talked for a while longer and then it was time for me to go. We were walking in the hallway and Mum asked whoever was with us if they minded if we could duck into a room together for a minute. We cried. HARD! We held each other and I don't know how my mum held on for me as well as she did. She rubbed my back and told me that it was going to be okay and that I did the right thing and that she was so proud of me. We calmed down and collected ourselves. We stopped at Tim Horton's on the way out of the city. Mum bought me a bottle of Sprite and a glazed donut. C & D got a beautiful baby girl, one that I'd wanted so badly. I got a pop and a donut.

It's an hour long drive from Lloyd to Wainwright (unless you're labouring in an ambulence). I don't remember a single minute of it. I remember the night I got home that McMillan and Ball came to see me, and to say goodbye. They were both being transferred out the next day. The next 10 days were a blur to me. I'm sure C & D spent every single one of them being paranoid every time that their phone rang. I just hung around the house with the dog and recovered from having a baby. I had visitors and got flowers and cards. No one seemed to know what to say other than "you did a really good thing. I'm proud of you." I'm usually the queen of putting on a brave face for the world, and man did I rock that talent during those 10 days. On day 11, I bawled my eyes out. That was when I felt the loss the most, after it was too late to take it back anyways. My mum held me again that night as I cried and cried. Now that I'm a mother, I can only imagine how bad her heart must have been breaking to watch me go through that.

After day 11, things got easier. I focused on my FHE group and quickly started home study seminary. 6 weeks after L was born, I was at my branch president's house reading his son a book about Hershey's chocolate. My cell phone was on the kitchen window sill from when I'd been in there with K (the branch president's wife) earlier. My branch president (V) answered the phone for me. Guess I should say here that my branch president was also my cell phone dealer, and was B's at one point, too. V brought my phone to me, and said "Nikki, it's B". He rushed his son out of the room to give me some privacy. I answered me phone. B says "Who the H*** answered your phone?" "Um, V, the cell phone guy" "What the H*** is the cell phone guy answering your phone?" I explain to him that V is my branch president and blah, blah, blah, I'm friends with V's wife, blah, blah, blah. So then he asks, "So how's the baby?" "I wouldn't know, I haven't seen her in 6 weeks" "What? Why?" "I placed her for adoption" "You said you wouldn't do that" "I changed my mind. But make no mistake, I did it for her, not for you" "It was a girl?" "Yeah." "Oh". We talked more after that about what had happened. I got off of the phone and V and K asked me if I was okay. I was. I finally felt like the hard part of the process was over now that I'd had a chance to tell B what had happened.

A month and a half after L was born I turned 20. I celebrated with the missionaries, a friend I'd known since we were just out of diapers, her boyfriend and my branch president's son. My friend had just started working at a local daycare and suggested I apply there. I needed a job, so I did. I got the job and fell in love with it. I got my kid fix in a healthy way. I felt healed.

Anyways, there's more to the story than that, but this has turned into the longest post EVER, so I'll leave it at that. If anyone ever has questions, they are free to ask. I'm insanely open about my adoption experience, so no question is really too personal.

However, something came up last night while I was talking to John. I told him that since I've joined the blogging world that I've found out that a lot of adoptions through LDSFS are WAY more open than L's. These people e-mail each other and visit with each other. My agreement is a letter and pictures at specific ages. John and I talked about if I'd known then that openness agreements could be more open than mine would I have asked for a more open agreement. In short, the answer is no. There is one specific time that I wish it had been more open. It was when I got married. I needed people who felt like family to be with me that day. I had one couple who was actually there for me. My old RS president and her husband (who is kind of like my church dad). Bro and Sis O. Bro O was one of our witnesses and Sis O was my attendant or whatever they call it. And I love those two, I really do. But they were not the couple I originally wanted there. I had wanted C & D. That's the only day I wish that I'd had a more open relationship with them. Other than that, the agreement that we have is what allowed me to heal as quickly as I did. I have seen L once since placement day, and it was entirely by accident. My SIL and I were driving back from her in-laws' place and we passed by C & D's house because it's on the way. L and her brother were on the front yard playing and C was sitting on the steps. My SIL kept asking me if I was okay. Was I? Yes, because she was where she was meant to be.

My Other Family...

Last night the boys and I went to visit one of the most important families in the world to me, the Orr family. I guess being stuck in Wainwright while John's in Vancouver on a business trip has at least one perk. The husband of the Orr family, Jason, is really special to me. He started as a friend, but became like another dad to me, was my seminary teacher, was a witness at my temple marriage and is also the reason for Ty's middle name. He is such an amazing person. He was a bishop before in Milk River and is now the Branch President in Wainwright. His wife, Lori, has been my visiting teaching companion before and was also my bridal escort or whatever they call that. She was there for me through the adoption process and was even at the placement. The kids and I get along great. The younger 3 all treat me like I'm another sibling. I am 2 years older than the oldest B, I think. B1 is currently serving a mission in California. B2 and I took seminary together and I think I even got him to do a semiary homework lesson one time, lol (we had home study). B3 has grown into such a beautiful young woman, she makes me jealous. B4 has become an amazing young man who I happily call my brother. B5 is still to me that adorable girl I taught in primary with such a strong testimony for someone so young. Even though she's almost 12 already, she'll always be that adorable little CTR girl in my mind who when she was told she could draw a picture of anything that she wanted to chose to draw a picture of The First Vision. As far as I know, I still have that picture.

Anyways, while I was over there, Jason gave me a blessing for the emotional and mental trials I've been struggling with so badly. It was a great blessing and I'm so grateful for the power of the priesthood and that men like my husband and Jason choose to live so that they are worthy to be a mouthpiece for the Lord when people need it.

Anyways, so you know how you get those rhetorical questions asked during church lessons sometimes? I was once asked if there was a couple that I wanted to strive to be like. Jason and Lori are that couple. They are so strong in the church and do their absolute best to do the right thing for their children. Even though B2 hasn't been active in the church for a long time now, they still show nothing but love for him. They truly amaze me and I hope that John and I can grow to be the strong pillars of strength that they are.

Next post is #100, YAY!!! So, in the spirit of celebration, I will be announcing on the next post who will win a prize. It will be announced with the winner. The winner will be selected from whoever comments on this specific post. I don't know when I will post again, but it will definately be within the next week, as my birthday is on Monday, so I'll probably be doing a post for that.

Someone's Turning 5...

Has it really been a week already? Time seems to go by faster and faster the older that you get (not that I think 24 is old). The biggest news in the Bly home is that John and I are both losing weight, YAY! We downloaded the LoseIt application for our iPod touches. It helps us keep track of how many calories we're taking in and burning each day. I love it!!! John has already lost 4 pounds, so I'm very proud of him for that.

We discovered last night that Caleb can move Ty's crib even though there aren't any wheels on it. I heard Ty making noise (hours after I'd put them to bed) so I went to investigate. Instead of the crib being against the wall where it should be, it was against Caleb's bed. He'd moved it at least a foot and a half, probably closer to two. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with him...For any experienced moms out there...How do you get your kid to stop hitting other kids? It seems Caleb gets worse each week in nursery, hitting, pushing, kicking, etc. I am at a loss about what to do with him. I feel bad putting him in there because I know he's going to be a bully to other people's children, but my calling is one that doesn't exactly lend itself to me being able to take Caleb with me. I guess right now I'm just grateful that he's only got 4 1/2 months left in nursery and then it will be off to Sunbeams...WOW! My little Caleb is going to be a Sunbeam next year...Hmm, starting to feel old now.

Speaking of feeling old, there is a very beautiful girl who is turning 5 on Saturday that I would like to mention a few thoughts about. There isn't a day that's gone by in the last 5 years that I haven't thought about her. I am so grateful for all that she gave me. She inspired me to become a better person, leading me to the true church of Jesus Christ. Placing her for adoption so that she could have an eternal family made me determined to live so that I could be married in the temple and have that same blessing, which I did. I wouldn't have the wonderful husband that I have and the two wonderful sons we have together if it wasn't for her. HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY, LAUREN!!! I love you so much!

It's A Full Week

This week is pretty booked up. Tonight we are having the missionaries over for dinner and it's also FHE tonight. Tomorrow I have a presidency meeting and then Nicole and I are going shopping for the rest of the stuff for the cardmaking thing. On Wednesday my visiting teachers are coming over for a visit. Thursday is the card making activity for Enrichment that I am teaching. There is barely anyone signed up, but it should still be fun. Friday John is dropping the boys off to my mum while I am babysitting Heather and Mike's kids so that they can go to a temple session. Saturday I am hoping to get at least part of the kitchen painted and it's also my Mary Kay party that night. So it should be quite the week.

Mother's Day went a lot better this year than it has for the last few years, so that was really nice. I only had a few minutes that were hard, and that was because adoption was specifically mentioned in one of the talks during sacrament meeting. Caleb decorated a tiny birdhouse for me in nursery, and it was the first time he's made me anythying for Mother's Day, so I was really excited about that. And then my sister came to drop off a hair straightner for me, and she also brought me a bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day which just made my day.

So I just wanted to add that I am so grateful for these two wonderful boys in my life. Caleb has a place in my heart that no one else will ever hold and Ty and I have a very special bond after a very tough pregnancy. I am also grateful for a wonderful husband who was so willing to overlook my past and never judge me for it. And I would feel rotten if I forgot to mention 3 other people I'm grateful for on Mother's Day. First off, I am very grateful for Christal and Darren. You were definately the perfect choice and I'm so grateful for the love that you have for your children, for each other and for the Lord. Lastly, I am SO grateful for a beautiful little girl named Lauren. She encouraged me to become a better person, which lead me to the Lord's church. I often say that I gave her life and she gave me a life worth living. I have a love for her beyond measure. Thank you to all of you wonderful people who make Mother's Day special to me.

BAH! HELP!

So I actually posted a comment on Lauren's mom's blog the other day. Of course I just left the name as anonymous, but she had written about someone commenting on her 2 year old acting like a 2 year old does and I'd had the same experience on the same day, so I just felt like I needed to say something. Turns out that my comment actually helped her and she posted part of it on her next blog. I'm so glad that it helped. I chose C and D as Lauren's parents by VERY strong inspiration. As soon as I picked up their profile, I knew they were the parents she belonged with. Sure I have my hard moments where I think "what if", but that's mostly just because I have yet to be blessed with a girl of my own and I worry that she'll end up being the only one and John and I will have only boys. I know that probably sounds awful or selfish to most people, but when you hand a baby girl that you carried for 9 months over to someone, you can't help but to worry that she will be the only girl you will ever give birth to, that someone else will get all of the hairstyling and dress up moments that you never will. Not that I would ever deny C of these things, she deserves them as much as anyone, if not more, but it's just a worry that I have. But anyways, I know that Lauren belongs with them and that they are wonderful parents. I can see in pictures of her that she is so loved and cared for. It amazes me all of the time how much Caleb looks like her, and that in itself is a huge blessing to me. They both look very much like my side. Lauren is like a little mini-me and Caleb looks about in between me and my brother. Ty has a bit more of John's side in him, which is great for John because he deserves that too. Anyways, C's latest blog reminded me that each child is an individual and that their misbehaving doesn't neccesarily make us bad parents. I am well aware of the fact that Caleb has anger management issues. I work on it with him far more than anyone could know. But that doesn't change the fact that he is an idependant, strong-willed little guy who doesn't quite get the concept of consequence for actions yet. I'll admit that I occasionally pass judgement on how someone else's child acts, but I keep my opinions to myself and try to remember that I don't have the full story to anyone but myself. Anyway, I've just been so frustrated lately because my kid has become the loud toddler in sacrament meeting who has to be taken out every single week, the kid who is starting to hit other kids in nursery because he doesn't know how else to express his anger and frustration, the kid who caused me to put my tooth into my lip last week because he doesn't understand that he has the ability to badly hurt other people yet. I have no clue what to do about it, I'm at a total loss of how else to deal with these problems other than giving him time outs and removing him from sacrament meeting so that he can't disturb other people trying to worship, but at the same time, I'm getting tired of being hit or having things thrown at me every time he doesn't get what he wants. I absolutely refuse to spank, since John and I have realized that spanking is just self-gratification and only feeds violence and after that I'm not sure what else there is to do. Any ideas?