I can't believe it's been over a month since I posted. Okay, I can, but it still seems odd. I just never seem to have anything to write about. My brother got married this month and it was a great day with a fair few tears on my part. Caleb was a great ring bearer and took his duty very seriously. I even got to dance that night, which I hadn't got to do in OH SO LONG and really missed. I included my favourite picture of the day (myself, Caleb and my dad).It's actually been a pretty tough month for me. I've realized that I haven't forgiven myself for something that everyone else (including Heavenly Father) has forgiven me for, which is the life I lead (before I joined the church) that ended up in my becoming a birth mother. I haven't been able to forgive myself for all of the pain that I ended up causing myself and other people as well. At least now I realize how I actually feel and am working on the problem. Forgiving ourselves, I think, is a lot harder than forgiving anyone else and I know that I'm in for a long and emotional process. It will be worth it, though.
So I'm a huge music junkie. I don't mean "I like to listen to music" or "I enjoy playing an instrument or singing", I mean "Music is my rock, has been for years and years and is my crutch in any given difficult situation". Naturally, I'm always wanting new music. So I asked one of the YW in our ward for some suggestions. I knew she was the kind of person that would suggest stuff that I'd probably actually like and relate to instead stuff I can just appreciate. One of the bands she recommended was Relient K. So I searched them on iTunes and had 2 thoughts as I listened to one of their songs. 1)This band plays a style of music that I absolutely love; and 2) This song title sums up EXACTLY how I've been feeling this last month, "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been". It boils down to me being grateful for having music in my life and the strength that it brings me. I may not be able to sing or to play, but I have an intense passion for music, and that in and of itself is a gift in my eyes.
Tomorrow is the Harry Potter party, which I'm pretty excited about. Also, Caleb starts grade 1 next week, which we're BOTH really looking forward to. I think September is going to be a much better month. Now to pack my trunk for Hogwarts...
2 comments:
I am so glad you wrote this post. I felt the way you did for such a long time and I thought I was the only one. I wonder how many other birth mothers feel this way but just don't ever talk about it.
What I try to remember is that I'm who I am today because of the person I used to be. You wouldn't be the amazing woman you are if you hadn't made the mistakes you did. You've learned from them and become a better person for them.
Just think how much more awesome you''ll be once you let them go! :)
Hey! I just wanted to tell you that you have a beautiful family! :)
-Natalie
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