So I've found that now that I'm bullet journalling it's easier to remember what to blog about. I have all of my events and appointments in one place, and each month has a page specifically for me to write what I want to blog about from that month.
Early in February we got to watch the 2 episodes of Family Feud that our friend, Heidi, was on. We enjoyed getting to see it and hearing about how hot her husband is (ha ha).
Caleb went to a gun show with his uncle and cousin. He bought himself a hunting journal and a set of throwing knives. He is so excited to be old enough to start hunting this fall. Where has the time gone?
I bought a kitchen table for $10 that I'm going to refinish this spring. I'm really excited about this project.
We brought my drafting desk in to the house and it sits right in front of our big living room window. I love having something of mine in here.
Things got pretty rough for Caleb for a while. His anxiety and depression reared their ugly heads. We stayed right on top of it. His psychiatrist put him on an antidepressant, we met with the teachers at the school about it and he will start counselling next month as well. We can already see the medication making a big difference for him and are so glad we dealt with things immediately. We are also blessed with him having such a wonderful pediatric psychiatrist.
We had a nasty cold go through our house this month. It started with Brettley having croup and ending up in the ER one night. I joked that it's not winter until one of our kids goes to the ER with severe croup. It spread to his chest and from there we all took turns being sick. I'm still fighting mine off.
Ty sang the US and Canadian national anthems at the Hurricanes game with the school choir this month. They did very well, and he loved it.
John and I managed to find time to have a lunch date at Tony Roma's this month. We also played my original D&D campaign for the first time in years. I loved it.
For the first time since last May, I dyed my hair. It is a really fun shade of red and I am loving it. I really needed a pick-me-up, and it helped a lot.
Ty and Brettley started basketball camp on Saturdays at the school. They aren't terribly coordinated, but they had fun. I also registered Brettley for soccer starting in late April. He is super excited about it.
This evening we got to go to the grade 1 project-based learning showcase at the school. Brettley showed us a bunch of stuff about animals he did. He was so proud of himself.
Also, I am currently going through a change with my meds. While we got my anxiety mostly under control, my depression was/is still extremely bad. So the psychiatrist lowered my Seroquel from 75 mg back down to 50 mg, because I'm tired all of the time. I have now started taking Cipralex (an antidepressant) in addition to that. Hopefully we will figure out what will work best for me. For now, I'm just taking things 1 day at a time, sometimes 1 hour at a time. My bullet journal gives me something to focus on that helps me find a bit of happiness, so I'm really grateful that I took a chance and tried it out.
The goings on of our geeky little family and the musings and soapbox moments of the lone female in the group.
Showing posts with label Bipolar Disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bipolar Disorder. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Sunday, January 14, 2018
(Very Late) 2017 Q&A
What can I say? I'm a few weeks behind, ha ha.
1) What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?
Made a move across the province based totally on faith, joined a school council, see Queen + Adam Lambert in concert, canning vegetables.
2) Did you keep your new year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?
To play more games with my kids, yes. To be healthier, not so much.
3) Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.
4) Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my brother-in-law
5) What countries did you visit?
As usual, we didn't even leave our province.
6) What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?
Better anxiety management.
7) What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 7th, for sure, the night that my brother-in-law's mortal journey came to a quick and unexpected end. Also, June 16th because it was the day we finally moved to Magrath. July 4th, for the concert, as well.
8) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Honestly, getting through it was my biggest achievement. I was battling some extremely big trials.
9) What was your biggest failure?
I don't know that I'd call anything a failure, they were all learning experiences. (exactly what I said last year, but it still holds)
10) Did you or someone close suffer illness or injury?
Brettley's ear was sliced open really bad in November.
11) What was the best thing you bought?
The concert tickets!
12) Where did most of your money go?
A lot went toward moving, and we had to put quite a bit in to our van as well.
13) What song will always remind you of 2017?
Believer by Imagine Dragons
14) Compared the this time last year are you more happy or more sad?
I think (?) I'm happier. I was struggling a lot with anxiety at this time last year. I'm getting a good handle on my life the past couple of weeks and I feel positive about the future, so I'm definitely improving.
15) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Learning how to manage my anxiety better. That is probably my biggest goal for this year.
16) What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being depressed (?). Not a lot I could do about it, but I wish I hadn't needed to go through it.
17) How did you spend Christmas?
We did Christmas morning in our house (our nephew was here as well). Then we hosted a movie day in our garage for our most of our nieces and nephews, had supper with everyone (lasagna, garlic bread and Caesar salad) and then played Dungeons and Dragons with several of our nieces and nephews.
18) What was your favourite TV program?
Gilmore Girls (rewatching the series for the 5th time right now) and I got in to watching The Good Doctor.
19) What were your favourite books of the year?
All of the James L Ferrell books I read. They were all amazing.
20) What were your favourite treats/food in 2017?
Miss Vickie's Sea Salt and Malt Vinegar Chips (as always), SASH pizza and bacon.
21) What were your favourite movies of the year?
Fantastic Beast and Where to Find Them. And Moana.
22) What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I turned 33. My dad was here that week, my brother came for a visit and I had very bad brain fog adjusting to a new dosage of my meds. Oh, I also had a few appointments that day.
23) What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
Not struggling with severe anxiety and depression.
24) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
If it fits and it's comfy then we're good, ha ha. (same as last year)
25) What kept you sane?
John, my niece (Charli), Aunt Christine, Alicia, Gilmore Girls and Dr Pepper
26) What was a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017?
Trusting in Heavenly Father and acting upon that trust, even when you can't see how things can possibly work out, will result in blessings that you can't even imagine at the time.
Also, don't try to fight your battles alone. Ask for help when you need it!
Finally, that severe depressive cycles won't last forever. YAY!
1) What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?
Made a move across the province based totally on faith, joined a school council, see Queen + Adam Lambert in concert, canning vegetables.
2) Did you keep your new year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?
To play more games with my kids, yes. To be healthier, not so much.
3) Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.
4) Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my brother-in-law
5) What countries did you visit?
As usual, we didn't even leave our province.
6) What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?
Better anxiety management.
7) What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 7th, for sure, the night that my brother-in-law's mortal journey came to a quick and unexpected end. Also, June 16th because it was the day we finally moved to Magrath. July 4th, for the concert, as well.
8) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Honestly, getting through it was my biggest achievement. I was battling some extremely big trials.
9) What was your biggest failure?
I don't know that I'd call anything a failure, they were all learning experiences. (exactly what I said last year, but it still holds)
10) Did you or someone close suffer illness or injury?
Brettley's ear was sliced open really bad in November.
11) What was the best thing you bought?
The concert tickets!
12) Where did most of your money go?
A lot went toward moving, and we had to put quite a bit in to our van as well.
13) What song will always remind you of 2017?
Believer by Imagine Dragons
14) Compared the this time last year are you more happy or more sad?
I think (?) I'm happier. I was struggling a lot with anxiety at this time last year. I'm getting a good handle on my life the past couple of weeks and I feel positive about the future, so I'm definitely improving.
15) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Learning how to manage my anxiety better. That is probably my biggest goal for this year.
16) What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being depressed (?). Not a lot I could do about it, but I wish I hadn't needed to go through it.
17) How did you spend Christmas?
We did Christmas morning in our house (our nephew was here as well). Then we hosted a movie day in our garage for our most of our nieces and nephews, had supper with everyone (lasagna, garlic bread and Caesar salad) and then played Dungeons and Dragons with several of our nieces and nephews.
18) What was your favourite TV program?
Gilmore Girls (rewatching the series for the 5th time right now) and I got in to watching The Good Doctor.
19) What were your favourite books of the year?
All of the James L Ferrell books I read. They were all amazing.
20) What were your favourite treats/food in 2017?
Miss Vickie's Sea Salt and Malt Vinegar Chips (as always), SASH pizza and bacon.
21) What were your favourite movies of the year?
Fantastic Beast and Where to Find Them. And Moana.
22) What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I turned 33. My dad was here that week, my brother came for a visit and I had very bad brain fog adjusting to a new dosage of my meds. Oh, I also had a few appointments that day.
23) What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
Not struggling with severe anxiety and depression.
24) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
If it fits and it's comfy then we're good, ha ha. (same as last year)
25) What kept you sane?
John, my niece (Charli), Aunt Christine, Alicia, Gilmore Girls and Dr Pepper
26) What was a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017?
Trusting in Heavenly Father and acting upon that trust, even when you can't see how things can possibly work out, will result in blessings that you can't even imagine at the time.
Also, don't try to fight your battles alone. Ask for help when you need it!
Finally, that severe depressive cycles won't last forever. YAY!
Monday, October 23, 2017
Blog Post #500
I just finished frosting and piping Ty's birthday cake. He turned 9 today. As I was squeezing blue icing out of a tube to make a lightning bolt and write a message on his cake, the irony of the situation was definitely not lost on me. In fact, it was screaming loudly, demanding to be heard. The last time I did any piping on a cake was for Ty's first birthday. I won't cherry coat this post, so this is your warning to turn back if you don't want the details.
My "on this day" on Facebook has been so kind the past few months to remind me that this time 8 years ago I had entered the worst depression cycle of my bipolar disorder that I'd ever experienced. John's parents came up for Ty's first birthday. Not because we'd asked them to come celebrate with us, but because they came to pick up our 2 boys to go stay with them for a couple of weeks. Not because we wanted the boys to have a super fun time with Grandma and Grandpa, but because I was non functioning. I couldn't even take care of myself, let alone 2 very young boys. Over the next half a year after that, my boys would spend many weeks down here with their grandparents as we tried desperately to figure out the best way to help get me okay again.
Here is the irony that I was mentioning I felt. I am currently struggling with the worst depressive episode I've had in the last 8 years. After our move down here I could feel myself sinking, but at first I thought it was because John was still working up in Edmonton and that once he was down here things would level out a bit again. Well, he got here over 2 months ago. Things kept getting steadily worse instead of better, especially once the boys started school. I went from having a clearly defined purpose last year as a full time mother and teacher to having nothing and no one to keep me occupied during the day for five days a week. I don't know who I am anymore. I've wondered a lot why we are counselled very heavily to be at home when our kids our young if possible, but no counsel is given about what to do once they're all in school full time. I feel so lost. I am still without a calling (other than being a visiting teacher).
By the time Caleb's birthday rolled around last month, I had severe, debilitating anxiety attacks daily. I absolutely had no desire to read anymore, which if you know me you would know is a clear sign that something was very wrong. I no longer had a desire to live. My mind began formulating plans about how and when would be the best way to commit suicide. I was able ignore it when it was just the 'when'. However, as soon as the 'how' came, I told John how bad things had gotten.
A few days after I told John I was already in an appointment with our new family doctor telling him how bad things were with me. Bless that man's heart, I definitely chose a wonderful doctor for our family. He started me back on meds. He arranged an appointment for me with a short term counselor. He asked me to come back in a week. I had my niece with me during the days that week, and we asked my dad come and stay with me for the following week. I knew I was a danger to myself, and we took steps to ensure I was safe.
That next week, while my dad was here, I had to up my dosage from the starting dose to the next dosage as ordered by my doctor. That was the night before my birthday. Now, if you've ever taken Seroquel or are close to someone who has, you know that adjusting to Seroquel makes you exhausted beyond reason. The brain fog is awful and all you want to do all of the time is fall asleep right where you are. You basically look stoned and really aren't coherent. That's how I spent my birthday as I first met with the short term counselor and then with my family doctor.
The meeting with the counselor went well, but she felt I would be better off with someone who does long term counselling, so she asked if I was okay with that. I knew that was what I needed, so I agreed and we got that going. She had me start to fill out my safety plan to help keep me safe. Then I met with my doctor, who decided that we were going to cover all of our bases and he referred me to a psychiatrist as well.
I was able to meet with my new counselor the following week. I felt very quickly that she would be a very good fit for me. I find it incredibly easy to talk to her, and we share several common interests. We meet again next Tuesday. Since then I've met with my doctor again and I got an appointment set with the psychiatrist for Nov 28. I'm also on the cancellation list for that, so it could be sooner.
It baffles me how quickly things move down here. Within a month of me telling John how bad I'd gotten, I've had 3 doctor appointments, 2 counseling appointments and have a psychiatrist appointment booked for just over a month from now. I'm not used to things moving this quickly, but I sure appreciate it.
This past Sunday I forced myself to go to church because it was our ward's Primary Presentation. More particularly, it was Caleb's last Primary Presentation. Church is painfully hard for me when I'm struggling with anxiety. Sitting still in a room full of people is about the most torturous thing for my anxiety. I was blessed to make it through Sacrament Meeting without any major issues. They sure hit during Sunday School, though. During my second panic attack, our bishop happened upon us. He invited John and I in to his office, where John gave him an extremely brief overview about what's been going on. Bishop asked me if I would like a blessing, which I did. It was so helpful. Our bishop also asked me to work up to walking for an hour outside every single day. I felt well enough after the blessing to try to go to Relief Society. I walked in and sat off to the side by myself. John's aunt immediately motioned for me to move my chair next to her. She then put her arm around me for about half of the lesson. She didn't know the details about what was wrong. She just knew I needed comfort and she gave it, no questions asked. I thanked Heavenly Father right then and there for her.
John and I went for a walk yesterday after our family dinner, and I went for another this morning. Despite the windy walks making me very tired, I did feel better during both of them. I did feel calm and peace while I was walking.
Now, I'm not all better right now. In fact, I'm painfully aware that it will be a long road before I level out again. And that's a good thing, because it means it'll be less likely to act like a yo-yo and just keep swinging from hypomanic to depression. In fact, on the whole, things still feel horribly sucky a lot of the time right now. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. And THAT is a win.
I've known for this past month that I wanted to write about this part of my personal journey with mental illness and mental health for my post #500. I want to make a difference. I want to be an inspiration to others who feel like the fight isn't worth it. Because it doesn't always feel like it. When you struggle with feeling severely depressed and suicidal, you have many times where it feels impossible to want to keep going. I want to be that proof that those days don't last forever, and that there's a way to get past them without devastating your family and/or friends. In my safety plan I had to list my reasons for living. In addition to my family, one of the things I wrote was that I can't help others if I give in to this. So I will stay and I will continue this fight, even in the many moments right now that it doesn't feel worth it. Because once I get through it, having fought through it will mean everything.
My "on this day" on Facebook has been so kind the past few months to remind me that this time 8 years ago I had entered the worst depression cycle of my bipolar disorder that I'd ever experienced. John's parents came up for Ty's first birthday. Not because we'd asked them to come celebrate with us, but because they came to pick up our 2 boys to go stay with them for a couple of weeks. Not because we wanted the boys to have a super fun time with Grandma and Grandpa, but because I was non functioning. I couldn't even take care of myself, let alone 2 very young boys. Over the next half a year after that, my boys would spend many weeks down here with their grandparents as we tried desperately to figure out the best way to help get me okay again.
Here is the irony that I was mentioning I felt. I am currently struggling with the worst depressive episode I've had in the last 8 years. After our move down here I could feel myself sinking, but at first I thought it was because John was still working up in Edmonton and that once he was down here things would level out a bit again. Well, he got here over 2 months ago. Things kept getting steadily worse instead of better, especially once the boys started school. I went from having a clearly defined purpose last year as a full time mother and teacher to having nothing and no one to keep me occupied during the day for five days a week. I don't know who I am anymore. I've wondered a lot why we are counselled very heavily to be at home when our kids our young if possible, but no counsel is given about what to do once they're all in school full time. I feel so lost. I am still without a calling (other than being a visiting teacher).
By the time Caleb's birthday rolled around last month, I had severe, debilitating anxiety attacks daily. I absolutely had no desire to read anymore, which if you know me you would know is a clear sign that something was very wrong. I no longer had a desire to live. My mind began formulating plans about how and when would be the best way to commit suicide. I was able ignore it when it was just the 'when'. However, as soon as the 'how' came, I told John how bad things had gotten.
A few days after I told John I was already in an appointment with our new family doctor telling him how bad things were with me. Bless that man's heart, I definitely chose a wonderful doctor for our family. He started me back on meds. He arranged an appointment for me with a short term counselor. He asked me to come back in a week. I had my niece with me during the days that week, and we asked my dad come and stay with me for the following week. I knew I was a danger to myself, and we took steps to ensure I was safe.
That next week, while my dad was here, I had to up my dosage from the starting dose to the next dosage as ordered by my doctor. That was the night before my birthday. Now, if you've ever taken Seroquel or are close to someone who has, you know that adjusting to Seroquel makes you exhausted beyond reason. The brain fog is awful and all you want to do all of the time is fall asleep right where you are. You basically look stoned and really aren't coherent. That's how I spent my birthday as I first met with the short term counselor and then with my family doctor.
The meeting with the counselor went well, but she felt I would be better off with someone who does long term counselling, so she asked if I was okay with that. I knew that was what I needed, so I agreed and we got that going. She had me start to fill out my safety plan to help keep me safe. Then I met with my doctor, who decided that we were going to cover all of our bases and he referred me to a psychiatrist as well.
I was able to meet with my new counselor the following week. I felt very quickly that she would be a very good fit for me. I find it incredibly easy to talk to her, and we share several common interests. We meet again next Tuesday. Since then I've met with my doctor again and I got an appointment set with the psychiatrist for Nov 28. I'm also on the cancellation list for that, so it could be sooner.
It baffles me how quickly things move down here. Within a month of me telling John how bad I'd gotten, I've had 3 doctor appointments, 2 counseling appointments and have a psychiatrist appointment booked for just over a month from now. I'm not used to things moving this quickly, but I sure appreciate it.
This past Sunday I forced myself to go to church because it was our ward's Primary Presentation. More particularly, it was Caleb's last Primary Presentation. Church is painfully hard for me when I'm struggling with anxiety. Sitting still in a room full of people is about the most torturous thing for my anxiety. I was blessed to make it through Sacrament Meeting without any major issues. They sure hit during Sunday School, though. During my second panic attack, our bishop happened upon us. He invited John and I in to his office, where John gave him an extremely brief overview about what's been going on. Bishop asked me if I would like a blessing, which I did. It was so helpful. Our bishop also asked me to work up to walking for an hour outside every single day. I felt well enough after the blessing to try to go to Relief Society. I walked in and sat off to the side by myself. John's aunt immediately motioned for me to move my chair next to her. She then put her arm around me for about half of the lesson. She didn't know the details about what was wrong. She just knew I needed comfort and she gave it, no questions asked. I thanked Heavenly Father right then and there for her.
John and I went for a walk yesterday after our family dinner, and I went for another this morning. Despite the windy walks making me very tired, I did feel better during both of them. I did feel calm and peace while I was walking.
Now, I'm not all better right now. In fact, I'm painfully aware that it will be a long road before I level out again. And that's a good thing, because it means it'll be less likely to act like a yo-yo and just keep swinging from hypomanic to depression. In fact, on the whole, things still feel horribly sucky a lot of the time right now. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. And THAT is a win.
I've known for this past month that I wanted to write about this part of my personal journey with mental illness and mental health for my post #500. I want to make a difference. I want to be an inspiration to others who feel like the fight isn't worth it. Because it doesn't always feel like it. When you struggle with feeling severely depressed and suicidal, you have many times where it feels impossible to want to keep going. I want to be that proof that those days don't last forever, and that there's a way to get past them without devastating your family and/or friends. In my safety plan I had to list my reasons for living. In addition to my family, one of the things I wrote was that I can't help others if I give in to this. So I will stay and I will continue this fight, even in the many moments right now that it doesn't feel worth it. Because once I get through it, having fought through it will mean everything.
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
September 2017
I decided to do September's post today since I have the time. This weekend is General Conference so I'll be busy with that and don't want to end up forgetting. The boys started their school year at the local elementary school. They love it so far and are blessed to all have wonderful teachers.
We opted to have Brettley repeat grade 1 to give him a chance to learn to understand school structure with the other kids.
I started taking 2 classes on Coursera to give me something to do during the day now that my kids are all in school full time. I'm taking Introduction to Psychology and Social Context of Mental Health and Illness. I would love to get my BA in Psychology some day.
The Kenow Wildfire hit close to here in Waterton and area. We found out that as long as we have a 72 Hour Kit and everyone knows their job if we had to 'bug out' none of us really stressed about the possibility.
Webster, the cat that sort of lives with us, has started spending some nights in the house. The boys love having him here and so do I.
We had parent teacher interviews last week and I was complimented on how well I taught Brettley to read last year. It was so nice to hear. We also are getting Ty started on speech therapy because he still can't pronounce his Rs. His first appointment is this Friday.
I did 2 shifts at the book fair last week at the school and volunteered for future ones. I also signed up to be the room rep for Brettley and Caleb's classes. I think I'm trying to compensate for my lack of a calling. I also joined School Council and was given the position of Division 2 rep (it normally would be a vote but Amy nominated me and I got it by acclamation).
Caleb's birthday was on Monday. He turned 11! My boy is growing up so fast. I posted the following on Facebook that day:
Without going in to details, I have been struggling a lot lately and could really use any extra prayers that people are willing to send my way. Thanks!
We opted to have Brettley repeat grade 1 to give him a chance to learn to understand school structure with the other kids.
I started taking 2 classes on Coursera to give me something to do during the day now that my kids are all in school full time. I'm taking Introduction to Psychology and Social Context of Mental Health and Illness. I would love to get my BA in Psychology some day.
The Kenow Wildfire hit close to here in Waterton and area. We found out that as long as we have a 72 Hour Kit and everyone knows their job if we had to 'bug out' none of us really stressed about the possibility.
Webster, the cat that sort of lives with us, has started spending some nights in the house. The boys love having him here and so do I.
We had parent teacher interviews last week and I was complimented on how well I taught Brettley to read last year. It was so nice to hear. We also are getting Ty started on speech therapy because he still can't pronounce his Rs. His first appointment is this Friday.
I did 2 shifts at the book fair last week at the school and volunteered for future ones. I also signed up to be the room rep for Brettley and Caleb's classes. I think I'm trying to compensate for my lack of a calling. I also joined School Council and was given the position of Division 2 rep (it normally would be a vote but Amy nominated me and I got it by acclamation).
Caleb's birthday was on Monday. He turned 11! My boy is growing up so fast. I posted the following on Facebook that day:
11 Facts About Caleb to Celebrate his 11th Birthday:
1) His favourite colour is green.
2) He wants to become an astrophysicist.
3) He had his tonsils and adenoids removed less than a month after he turned 5. His adenoids were 3 times as large as they should have been.
4) He is red-green colour deficient. Red looks green to him.
5) He earned so many Cubs badges that we had to start a fourth row on his sleeve. He loved the old program.
6) He has started to learn how to play the alto saxophone, taking after both his mum and dad.
7) He isn't a fan of cake frosting, so for his cake this year we're putting real whipped cream on top and sprinkling it with coconut.
8 ) He loves all things Harry Potter and is almost done reading the series.
9) He is a natural giver and serves people without being asked.
10) He is one of the most compassionate people I've ever met in my life.
11) He has blessed my life in more ways than I could count. I am beyond grateful to be his mum.
2) He wants to become an astrophysicist.
3) He had his tonsils and adenoids removed less than a month after he turned 5. His adenoids were 3 times as large as they should have been.
4) He is red-green colour deficient. Red looks green to him.
5) He earned so many Cubs badges that we had to start a fourth row on his sleeve. He loved the old program.
6) He has started to learn how to play the alto saxophone, taking after both his mum and dad.
7) He isn't a fan of cake frosting, so for his cake this year we're putting real whipped cream on top and sprinkling it with coconut.
8 ) He loves all things Harry Potter and is almost done reading the series.
9) He is a natural giver and serves people without being asked.
10) He is one of the most compassionate people I've ever met in my life.
11) He has blessed my life in more ways than I could count. I am beyond grateful to be his mum.
Without going in to details, I have been struggling a lot lately and could really use any extra prayers that people are willing to send my way. Thanks!
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Nikki Being Real
So I promised myself a few years back that I would be real and honest on my blog, that I wouldn't censor myself trying to make other people happier or more comfortable. I usually fail at being real and honest, so I'm going to try and buck that trend today.
So anyone who has 'known' me for a while probably knows that I have been diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar Disorder, and have been for over 5 years now. In a nutshell, I deal mostly with crippling depression and struggle with self-harm and other destructive thoughts. Once in a while, my head decides that I'm not miserable and that I should single-handedly try to take on the world (hypomanic episodes). When I was first being diagnosed, I was put on a medication called olanzapine. We only had Caleb and Ty at the time, and it felt like the nail in the coffin on ever having another baby. I gained 25 lbs within a single month of being on the medication and then I relapsed badly shortly after into another depression episode.
I then started taking a vitamin and mineral supplement that has been found to be effective by lots of people in treating their bipolar. We felt good about it after being on it for 4 months and then I got pregnant with Brettley. To be to the point here, I spent pretty much the entire pregnancy being dangerously suicidal. I've been on the supplement since then and although it's better than it was without it, I still feel like every single day is a fight just to try to be 'normal', and it's a fight that I'm losing more and more frequently. Happiness that lasts more than a fleeting moment is a rare miracle. I still get crippling depression at least twice per year. I have struggled greatly with self-harm for the past few years. In short, I'm not living, I am just barely surviving.
So last week John came home from work, sat down on the floor with me and said "I think it's time to give a different traditional medication a try". We talked about how I wanted to proceed with that. I decided to get an appointment with a new GP and discuss my options with them. John made me the appointment. This was a very difficult decision for me to make. I'm terrified of gaining weight again like I did on the olanzapine. I'm scared of things getting WAY worse before they can get better. I'm scared it'll take years and years to find what works for me. I felt like I'd failed for giving up on the supplement after 5+ years. But John gave me a priesthood blessing, and I am going to be learning how to rely on my Heavenly Father even more though this.
My appointment with the GP was yesterday evening. I have started a very low dose of a new kind (to me) of medication (yesterday was my last day on the supplement). I will be seeing him often to find out how it is working and what changes we may need to make. I have to go for blood work tomorrow and will get the results of that at my GP appointment next week. I need to start doing some form of physical activity (which I'm trying to figure out what I want to do that I will be able to enjoy). I have been ordered to be more social. I've also been told that I'm not allowed to bottle up what I'm going through anymore, I actually need to talk about it with people. I feel both scared and excited. Scared for the reasons that I mentioned in the previous paragraph, but also excited because I'm hoping that by stepping on this path that I will eventually find the right answer. Because I don't want to just barely survive anymore, I want to actually live.
So anyone who has 'known' me for a while probably knows that I have been diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar Disorder, and have been for over 5 years now. In a nutshell, I deal mostly with crippling depression and struggle with self-harm and other destructive thoughts. Once in a while, my head decides that I'm not miserable and that I should single-handedly try to take on the world (hypomanic episodes). When I was first being diagnosed, I was put on a medication called olanzapine. We only had Caleb and Ty at the time, and it felt like the nail in the coffin on ever having another baby. I gained 25 lbs within a single month of being on the medication and then I relapsed badly shortly after into another depression episode.
I then started taking a vitamin and mineral supplement that has been found to be effective by lots of people in treating their bipolar. We felt good about it after being on it for 4 months and then I got pregnant with Brettley. To be to the point here, I spent pretty much the entire pregnancy being dangerously suicidal. I've been on the supplement since then and although it's better than it was without it, I still feel like every single day is a fight just to try to be 'normal', and it's a fight that I'm losing more and more frequently. Happiness that lasts more than a fleeting moment is a rare miracle. I still get crippling depression at least twice per year. I have struggled greatly with self-harm for the past few years. In short, I'm not living, I am just barely surviving.
So last week John came home from work, sat down on the floor with me and said "I think it's time to give a different traditional medication a try". We talked about how I wanted to proceed with that. I decided to get an appointment with a new GP and discuss my options with them. John made me the appointment. This was a very difficult decision for me to make. I'm terrified of gaining weight again like I did on the olanzapine. I'm scared of things getting WAY worse before they can get better. I'm scared it'll take years and years to find what works for me. I felt like I'd failed for giving up on the supplement after 5+ years. But John gave me a priesthood blessing, and I am going to be learning how to rely on my Heavenly Father even more though this.
My appointment with the GP was yesterday evening. I have started a very low dose of a new kind (to me) of medication (yesterday was my last day on the supplement). I will be seeing him often to find out how it is working and what changes we may need to make. I have to go for blood work tomorrow and will get the results of that at my GP appointment next week. I need to start doing some form of physical activity (which I'm trying to figure out what I want to do that I will be able to enjoy). I have been ordered to be more social. I've also been told that I'm not allowed to bottle up what I'm going through anymore, I actually need to talk about it with people. I feel both scared and excited. Scared for the reasons that I mentioned in the previous paragraph, but also excited because I'm hoping that by stepping on this path that I will eventually find the right answer. Because I don't want to just barely survive anymore, I want to actually live.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
School is In
Well, the kids are officially back to school. We opted for them to come home for lunches this year to save us the $300 lunch fee to be allowed to eat at the school. They will still do breakfast club when it starts up on 15 September, though. They enjoy the break in the middle of the day and Brettley likes getting to play at the playground when we walk them back.
Ty got the most patient teacher I've ever seen and I'm really excited to see how well he'll do with her. He loves school and has been working on his sight words at home so he's finally on his way to learning to read. He loves getting to high five his words when he reads them correctly on his own.
Caleb's teacher and I talked yesterday and she is so understanding and receptive about his challenges with his emotions and the things we'd like to happen in the classroom to help with the situation. I'm very happy with her. Today was day 2 and he has already forgotten his sweater at the playground and his book pouch in his desk. *sigh*
Today was the first day I had Brettley during the school day. He was at my dad's yesterday. Today he was finally brave enough to play in the toy area in the basement by himself without anyone down there and he had a blast. He helped me make supper and cut veggies for John and was very happy to snack on some veggies of his own.
School is back, hallelujah! :)
Ty got the most patient teacher I've ever seen and I'm really excited to see how well he'll do with her. He loves school and has been working on his sight words at home so he's finally on his way to learning to read. He loves getting to high five his words when he reads them correctly on his own.
Caleb's teacher and I talked yesterday and she is so understanding and receptive about his challenges with his emotions and the things we'd like to happen in the classroom to help with the situation. I'm very happy with her. Today was day 2 and he has already forgotten his sweater at the playground and his book pouch in his desk. *sigh*
Today was the first day I had Brettley during the school day. He was at my dad's yesterday. Today he was finally brave enough to play in the toy area in the basement by himself without anyone down there and he had a blast. He helped me make supper and cut veggies for John and was very happy to snack on some veggies of his own.
School is back, hallelujah! :)
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Carpe Diem
I'm kind of embarrassed that it's been almost 2 months to the day since I've blogged. What's been going on in the Bly house? Let's start with the youngest, I suppose.
Brettley is 3, and I kind of feel like that explains everything to do with him right now. In our house, it's not the 2s that are terrible, it's the 3s. Brettley's circumstances of birth were, shall we say, less than ideal. As a result, he's been spoiled a lot, and we are going through the process of trying to break him of that. I'm reasonably certain that he's plotting his revenge half of the time, but he's still just so stinkin' adorable. We're going to start patching his good eye soon to try to avoid any more eye surgeries, so hopefully that will go well. He is currently obsessed with The Lego Movie and would watch it over and over all day long if I let him. His favourite person in the whole world is Grandpa Mattson, so he's very excited to be spending a special day at Grandpa's tomorrow without his brothers.
Ty finished Kindergarten in June and, much to his teacher's frustration, I have opted to move him forward to grade 1 next year. We had very different ideas about what would be the most beneficial for him, but I did my research and talked to people who had been in similar situations and strongly felt that he'd be far better off going to grade 1 instead doing another year of Kindergarten. Ty is still one of the most hilarious people I've ever known. He keeps things real in our house, and man do I love him for it. This summer he's been helping me take care of my flowers, and he is very sad that his special orange flowers that he picked out all by himself aren't faring so well anymore. He is such a sweet little guy.
Caleb...*sigh* Caleb's first few weeks of meds went very well. He wasn't hurting anyone anymore and he was a lot more willing to hear people out before getting upset. Then he started travelling for most of July and since then they haven't been going so well. I'm sincerely hoping and praying that once he gets the routine of school back that things will get a bit easier for him. My poor sweet boy, my heart just aches for him as we go through this. I can't imagine being that young and losing control so violently. On a lighter note, he is THRILLED to be going to grade 3 this year. He finished Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and has been reading lots of books from the library. He's also gotten into making crafts. He loves all things history and space.
We had our family vacation last month. We spent over a week in Magrath, where my allergies were absolutely awful. Luckily, my friend/cousin-in-law suggested a medication rotation that actually worked pretty decently. While we were down there we went to my father-in-law's grave and had a good cry. We went swimming in Raymond. It was a cooler day, but we had lots of fun there and took along our oldest niece. John had his birthday, and we had a blast in Lethbridge together while the kids stayed with Grandma. We went to dinner at Firestone and it was just as amazing as the first time I was there, if not better. John's sister, Kathy, threw her big birthday bash for the kids and rented a whole theatre just for us to go see Rio 2. The boys LOVED getting to see a movie that way with their cousins, and it was a lot of fun. We took in town celebrations and by Sunday morning all 5 of us were sick, so we went home a day early so that we could sleep comfortably in our own beds.
On Tuesday we headed to North Battleford to stay with my uncle and aunt for a few days. We all went to the museum there and the kids had SO much fun seeing all of the old buildings and items in them. They also spent time in the pool and sprinkler and finally discovered the joys of the Kinect for the X-Box, since we don't have a Kinect for our's. It was super hot while we were there, but it was so nice to get to spend time with 2 of my most favourite people. We left there super early Friday morning so that I could attend my brother's mother-in-law's funeral, and then we finally got home the day after that. We were all very happy to be back home.
I got to attend Stake YW camp at the beginning of July. I managed to injure my leg on the first day, and we never did figure out how it happened. We had an AMAZING (!!!!!) fireworks show at camp on Canada Day, and I discovered the amazingness of a Nutella & Marshmallow Fluff sandwich. Seriously, it was so super yummy. I love serving the Young Women again, it's one of my most favourite places in the whole world to be.
So that's where we're at...
Yesterday evening, we found out that Robin Williams had died. It prompted me to again watch one of my favourite movies, which he happens to be in, Dead Poets Society. My brother and I used to love to watch that movie together a lot, and I still can't watch it without thinking about him. It makes me cry even more than most movies. I love it. This quote from the movie has always been a favourite of mine "We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." And my other favourite, "Carpe. Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary."
So that will (hopefully) be my goal for now. To seize the day and make my life extraordinary!
Brettley is 3, and I kind of feel like that explains everything to do with him right now. In our house, it's not the 2s that are terrible, it's the 3s. Brettley's circumstances of birth were, shall we say, less than ideal. As a result, he's been spoiled a lot, and we are going through the process of trying to break him of that. I'm reasonably certain that he's plotting his revenge half of the time, but he's still just so stinkin' adorable. We're going to start patching his good eye soon to try to avoid any more eye surgeries, so hopefully that will go well. He is currently obsessed with The Lego Movie and would watch it over and over all day long if I let him. His favourite person in the whole world is Grandpa Mattson, so he's very excited to be spending a special day at Grandpa's tomorrow without his brothers.
Ty finished Kindergarten in June and, much to his teacher's frustration, I have opted to move him forward to grade 1 next year. We had very different ideas about what would be the most beneficial for him, but I did my research and talked to people who had been in similar situations and strongly felt that he'd be far better off going to grade 1 instead doing another year of Kindergarten. Ty is still one of the most hilarious people I've ever known. He keeps things real in our house, and man do I love him for it. This summer he's been helping me take care of my flowers, and he is very sad that his special orange flowers that he picked out all by himself aren't faring so well anymore. He is such a sweet little guy.
Caleb...*sigh* Caleb's first few weeks of meds went very well. He wasn't hurting anyone anymore and he was a lot more willing to hear people out before getting upset. Then he started travelling for most of July and since then they haven't been going so well. I'm sincerely hoping and praying that once he gets the routine of school back that things will get a bit easier for him. My poor sweet boy, my heart just aches for him as we go through this. I can't imagine being that young and losing control so violently. On a lighter note, he is THRILLED to be going to grade 3 this year. He finished Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and has been reading lots of books from the library. He's also gotten into making crafts. He loves all things history and space.
We had our family vacation last month. We spent over a week in Magrath, where my allergies were absolutely awful. Luckily, my friend/cousin-in-law suggested a medication rotation that actually worked pretty decently. While we were down there we went to my father-in-law's grave and had a good cry. We went swimming in Raymond. It was a cooler day, but we had lots of fun there and took along our oldest niece. John had his birthday, and we had a blast in Lethbridge together while the kids stayed with Grandma. We went to dinner at Firestone and it was just as amazing as the first time I was there, if not better. John's sister, Kathy, threw her big birthday bash for the kids and rented a whole theatre just for us to go see Rio 2. The boys LOVED getting to see a movie that way with their cousins, and it was a lot of fun. We took in town celebrations and by Sunday morning all 5 of us were sick, so we went home a day early so that we could sleep comfortably in our own beds.
On Tuesday we headed to North Battleford to stay with my uncle and aunt for a few days. We all went to the museum there and the kids had SO much fun seeing all of the old buildings and items in them. They also spent time in the pool and sprinkler and finally discovered the joys of the Kinect for the X-Box, since we don't have a Kinect for our's. It was super hot while we were there, but it was so nice to get to spend time with 2 of my most favourite people. We left there super early Friday morning so that I could attend my brother's mother-in-law's funeral, and then we finally got home the day after that. We were all very happy to be back home.
I got to attend Stake YW camp at the beginning of July. I managed to injure my leg on the first day, and we never did figure out how it happened. We had an AMAZING (!!!!!) fireworks show at camp on Canada Day, and I discovered the amazingness of a Nutella & Marshmallow Fluff sandwich. Seriously, it was so super yummy. I love serving the Young Women again, it's one of my most favourite places in the whole world to be.
So that's where we're at...
Yesterday evening, we found out that Robin Williams had died. It prompted me to again watch one of my favourite movies, which he happens to be in, Dead Poets Society. My brother and I used to love to watch that movie together a lot, and I still can't watch it without thinking about him. It makes me cry even more than most movies. I love it. This quote from the movie has always been a favourite of mine "We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." And my other favourite, "Carpe. Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary."
So that will (hopefully) be my goal for now. To seize the day and make my life extraordinary!
Friday, June 13, 2014
Caleb Update
So here is what came out of Caleb's meeting with the child psychiatrist. He has very serious anxiety issues (which we very much knew). We will be watching him since he's showing signs of having bipolar disorder. He will work on learning skills to deal with his emotions effectively. Caleb is far more intellectually mature than he is emotionally mature, and it's causing a big disconnect in him (we've heard this from a few people, actually). And get ready with your torches and pitchforks here... For the next 4-6 months he is taking an antipsychotic to reduce the frequency and the severity of his outbursts.
I'll address the medication issue first. We had always said before that we would medicate our kids as a last resort. Let me be clear, we were at that point. As I stated 2 posts ago, things have been really bad for the last 9 months, and I had hit my limit. Furthermore, with summer holidays about to start and there being no school to break up the week, I knew it was necessary. It is not a permanent solution, it is temporary until he has learned the skills that he needs to learn.
As for the part about him showing signs of bipolar, I kind of already knew this. It was glaringly obvious how much of myself I was seeing in him when he struggled. It's different coming at this with a child. We'll catch it WAY earlier than it was caught with me. We've already found an effective way to manage it, which he will be doing as soon as he is done taking the antipsychotics. He will never have to worry about morning sickness interfering with his ability to take his supplement, and he won't have to worry about monthly hormonal changes messing everything up either. We've been through this before, so we have a far better idea of how to help him through it than we did with me. And finally, he has a mother that has been through it first hand. I've got understanding about this in spades.
So...We have quite the road ahead of us, but it finally feels like we're making progress and that we have an idea of where we need to be going. I am SO thankful for everyone who has helped us during the past 9 months, especially our amazing and patient bishop. But every thought, prayer and kind word from everyone during this time has been far more appreciated than you know.
I'll address the medication issue first. We had always said before that we would medicate our kids as a last resort. Let me be clear, we were at that point. As I stated 2 posts ago, things have been really bad for the last 9 months, and I had hit my limit. Furthermore, with summer holidays about to start and there being no school to break up the week, I knew it was necessary. It is not a permanent solution, it is temporary until he has learned the skills that he needs to learn.
As for the part about him showing signs of bipolar, I kind of already knew this. It was glaringly obvious how much of myself I was seeing in him when he struggled. It's different coming at this with a child. We'll catch it WAY earlier than it was caught with me. We've already found an effective way to manage it, which he will be doing as soon as he is done taking the antipsychotics. He will never have to worry about morning sickness interfering with his ability to take his supplement, and he won't have to worry about monthly hormonal changes messing everything up either. We've been through this before, so we have a far better idea of how to help him through it than we did with me. And finally, he has a mother that has been through it first hand. I've got understanding about this in spades.
So...We have quite the road ahead of us, but it finally feels like we're making progress and that we have an idea of where we need to be going. I am SO thankful for everyone who has helped us during the past 9 months, especially our amazing and patient bishop. But every thought, prayer and kind word from everyone during this time has been far more appreciated than you know.
Monday, June 9, 2014
It's Really Lonely Over Here
In going back over past posts, I've realized that I've been just as secretive on here about what's been going with Caleb this year as I've been in every other area of my life. I've given little snippets of information, but I've been holding in just how hard it's actually been. I've given more information to a few select people, but even ended up hardly doing that anymore. After a while, it gets tiring hearing "he's a boy, he'll grow out of it" and similar things. I've learned to trust my mum instincts, they are RARELY wrong, especially when it comes to Caleb. And I know in my heart of hearts that this is NOT just because "he's a boy" or because "he's still young". There is a very real and very serious concern. But how do you get across to people that you need support from your friends because:
You've spent a significant potion of the past 9 months getting punched, slapped, kicked and hit by things thrown by your 7 year old child. That you've had countless times that you've had to restrain him so that he would no longer be able to do these things to your other children. That there have been so many times that you've had to just stand there and take it because you were too scared that if you tried to stop him that he'd accidentally get hurt in the process, but walking away wasn't an option because he would then be a danger to himself and to your younger children. That you've spent hours and hours bawling your eyes out because your very young child has already struggled with thoughts of self-harm. That you've been through option after option trying to get your child the help that they need and that it's always a constant battle to make sure that the help you are seeing understand just how serious the situation actually is and have had a (so-called) professional even shrug it off and try to turn it back around on you. That he has started lying about things so extreme that you had the system called about you over something that wasn't even remotely true. That you've been mortified as the principal has called to tell you (yet again) that your son hurt a classmate when he was unprovoked and you feel awful for the child who was hurt and know exactly how upset their parent must have been when their kid told them what happened at school that day. That you've constantly felt like a failure as a parent because no matter what you try to do about these things, it's NEVER enough.
To top it off, during this time, you've been having to make a decision about whether or not your 3 year old has caught up enough in his development to take him out of the Early Intervention Program or not. You've also had to decide whether to bow to the school's pressure to hold your child back in Kindergarten for another year. You lose both of your grandparents within 6 weeks. You find out that your mother had cancer. You have been dealing with serious repercussions of your own mental illness that leave you physically scarred (probably for the rest of your life).
Yes, THIS has been my life for the last 9 months. Are there good things that happened in there? Absolutely! But when you're dealing with this on a regular basis, you end up physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted pretty much ALL of the time. You end up breaking down in tears in the principal's office, and in the bishop's office. It takes everything you have to keep on going. And you do all of this feeling oh so alone. Because you have no idea where to even turn for support anymore.
This is why there has been so much blog silence from me this school year. Because THIS ^ has been my life. And I don't even know where it's safe to talk about it anymore, because so many people won't take it seriously.
You've spent a significant potion of the past 9 months getting punched, slapped, kicked and hit by things thrown by your 7 year old child. That you've had countless times that you've had to restrain him so that he would no longer be able to do these things to your other children. That there have been so many times that you've had to just stand there and take it because you were too scared that if you tried to stop him that he'd accidentally get hurt in the process, but walking away wasn't an option because he would then be a danger to himself and to your younger children. That you've spent hours and hours bawling your eyes out because your very young child has already struggled with thoughts of self-harm. That you've been through option after option trying to get your child the help that they need and that it's always a constant battle to make sure that the help you are seeing understand just how serious the situation actually is and have had a (so-called) professional even shrug it off and try to turn it back around on you. That he has started lying about things so extreme that you had the system called about you over something that wasn't even remotely true. That you've been mortified as the principal has called to tell you (yet again) that your son hurt a classmate when he was unprovoked and you feel awful for the child who was hurt and know exactly how upset their parent must have been when their kid told them what happened at school that day. That you've constantly felt like a failure as a parent because no matter what you try to do about these things, it's NEVER enough.
To top it off, during this time, you've been having to make a decision about whether or not your 3 year old has caught up enough in his development to take him out of the Early Intervention Program or not. You've also had to decide whether to bow to the school's pressure to hold your child back in Kindergarten for another year. You lose both of your grandparents within 6 weeks. You find out that your mother had cancer. You have been dealing with serious repercussions of your own mental illness that leave you physically scarred (probably for the rest of your life).
Yes, THIS has been my life for the last 9 months. Are there good things that happened in there? Absolutely! But when you're dealing with this on a regular basis, you end up physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted pretty much ALL of the time. You end up breaking down in tears in the principal's office, and in the bishop's office. It takes everything you have to keep on going. And you do all of this feeling oh so alone. Because you have no idea where to even turn for support anymore.
This is why there has been so much blog silence from me this school year. Because THIS ^ has been my life. And I don't even know where it's safe to talk about it anymore, because so many people won't take it seriously.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Learning Experiences in Motherhood
I feel like I'm finally in a place where I can go public with this story. I also feel like I should, since it was a great learning experience for me.
To start with, Caleb has been struggling with some really serious mental health issues this school year. I've spent most of the past 9 months stressing about how to best help him and get him the outside help that he needs. I've been being punched, hit, kicked, had things thrown at me and had to protect my other 2 kids while all of this was going on. It has NOT been an easy road. When Caleb started getting violent, I became even more hands off with him. I wouldn't stop him when he was hurting me because I was scared I'd accidentally hurt him. I know that what he was feeling inside must be scary enough, he didn't need that to happen on top of it. Caleb has also been struggling with a serious lack of self esteem and sense of self-worth. There is your background to this story.
A few weeks ago, Caleb was feeling like he needed attention while in his primary class with a newer teacher who didn't know what he's been going through or even that I was Caleb's mum. So he decided to tell a tall tale to get the attention he was seeking and proceeded to tell his primary teacher that I spanked him so hard that his bum bled. Let me be clear, this is NOT EVEN CLOSE to being true. But the teacher didn't know who his mum was, or that Caleb had quickly been turning into a compulsive liar, or all of the other issues that Caleb has had going on. I wasn't even aware that he officially HAD a different primary teacher. So filled with concern for Caleb, she took the matter to the bishopric. When an allegation like that is taken to the bishopric, things HAVE to be handled a certain way. So some sort of authorities were called (to this day, I'm not sure if it was the police, or child services). Luckily, we have an amazing bishop, who called me immediately after, explained what had been said in the classroom and what had to happen because it had been said. He assured me that it was most likely that the worst that would happen would be having do do an interview with them over the phone. He let me know that if I had any problems with child services that I was to let him know and he would be there to help me through it (also helps that my bishop is a lawyer). He reassured me that during the phone call he'd had to make that he'd let them know some of the things that Caleb had been struggling with this year.
As a mother, I was mortified that my child would even say something like that. I still am, to be honest. But that's not the learning experience. First, and foremost, it reassured me that Heavenly Father is looking out for me through all of my struggles with Caleb. I'm not someone who wants to take their struggles to the bishop (in the past, I've hit rock bottom before I've gone to him), but I felt strongly with this particular trial this school year that the bishop needed to know what was going on, and we'd spoke about it several times. Because of that, our bishop knew enough to let the authorities know what was going on with Caleb. It prevented me from even having to do a phone interview with them, which would have sent my anxiety level through the atmosphere, I'm sure.
This experience also taught me about looking at things the right way. I could have been bitter that the primary teacher hadn't talked to me about it before going to the bishop. It's not hard to find out who someone's mum is. I could have been mad that policy dictated that authorities HAD to be called. I didn't get like that, though. I was able to immediately look at it from this viewpoint: Had Caleb been abused by anyone else and for whatever reason felt more comfortable telling his primary teacher than telling me, I am SO GLAD that it would have been taken seriously and not just shrugged off.
But the thing that is most evident from this learning experience, is what it has done for Caleb. He saw how much it tore me down when he lied about me like that. And since then, he has worked insanely harder to keep his anger in check and to not say things that aren't true. He finally had enough of a wake up call to make a difference. We will have a long way to go, his self esteem and self worth issues are still very much there, but for the first time since September, I finally feel like we're making some progress!
Lastly, it says a lot about how far I've come with my anxiety issues that I've been able to handle this situation as well as I did. I seldom feel like I'm doing an okay job as a mother and developing into a better person, but this showed that I am definitely making progress. So as awful and hard as this experience was, I am actually grateful for it. It's so amazing what we can learn to be grateful for if we let ourselves.
To start with, Caleb has been struggling with some really serious mental health issues this school year. I've spent most of the past 9 months stressing about how to best help him and get him the outside help that he needs. I've been being punched, hit, kicked, had things thrown at me and had to protect my other 2 kids while all of this was going on. It has NOT been an easy road. When Caleb started getting violent, I became even more hands off with him. I wouldn't stop him when he was hurting me because I was scared I'd accidentally hurt him. I know that what he was feeling inside must be scary enough, he didn't need that to happen on top of it. Caleb has also been struggling with a serious lack of self esteem and sense of self-worth. There is your background to this story.
A few weeks ago, Caleb was feeling like he needed attention while in his primary class with a newer teacher who didn't know what he's been going through or even that I was Caleb's mum. So he decided to tell a tall tale to get the attention he was seeking and proceeded to tell his primary teacher that I spanked him so hard that his bum bled. Let me be clear, this is NOT EVEN CLOSE to being true. But the teacher didn't know who his mum was, or that Caleb had quickly been turning into a compulsive liar, or all of the other issues that Caleb has had going on. I wasn't even aware that he officially HAD a different primary teacher. So filled with concern for Caleb, she took the matter to the bishopric. When an allegation like that is taken to the bishopric, things HAVE to be handled a certain way. So some sort of authorities were called (to this day, I'm not sure if it was the police, or child services). Luckily, we have an amazing bishop, who called me immediately after, explained what had been said in the classroom and what had to happen because it had been said. He assured me that it was most likely that the worst that would happen would be having do do an interview with them over the phone. He let me know that if I had any problems with child services that I was to let him know and he would be there to help me through it (also helps that my bishop is a lawyer). He reassured me that during the phone call he'd had to make that he'd let them know some of the things that Caleb had been struggling with this year.
As a mother, I was mortified that my child would even say something like that. I still am, to be honest. But that's not the learning experience. First, and foremost, it reassured me that Heavenly Father is looking out for me through all of my struggles with Caleb. I'm not someone who wants to take their struggles to the bishop (in the past, I've hit rock bottom before I've gone to him), but I felt strongly with this particular trial this school year that the bishop needed to know what was going on, and we'd spoke about it several times. Because of that, our bishop knew enough to let the authorities know what was going on with Caleb. It prevented me from even having to do a phone interview with them, which would have sent my anxiety level through the atmosphere, I'm sure.
This experience also taught me about looking at things the right way. I could have been bitter that the primary teacher hadn't talked to me about it before going to the bishop. It's not hard to find out who someone's mum is. I could have been mad that policy dictated that authorities HAD to be called. I didn't get like that, though. I was able to immediately look at it from this viewpoint: Had Caleb been abused by anyone else and for whatever reason felt more comfortable telling his primary teacher than telling me, I am SO GLAD that it would have been taken seriously and not just shrugged off.
But the thing that is most evident from this learning experience, is what it has done for Caleb. He saw how much it tore me down when he lied about me like that. And since then, he has worked insanely harder to keep his anger in check and to not say things that aren't true. He finally had enough of a wake up call to make a difference. We will have a long way to go, his self esteem and self worth issues are still very much there, but for the first time since September, I finally feel like we're making some progress!
Lastly, it says a lot about how far I've come with my anxiety issues that I've been able to handle this situation as well as I did. I seldom feel like I'm doing an okay job as a mother and developing into a better person, but this showed that I am definitely making progress. So as awful and hard as this experience was, I am actually grateful for it. It's so amazing what we can learn to be grateful for if we let ourselves.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Post 2: It's About Me
I decided to do one of those quiz things just to add some fun facts about myself on here, since it is my blog and all...
WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My middle name is also the middle name of both of my grandmothers
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Wednesday night I had a full out cry but ended up getting a lot out of it.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Roasted Turkey or Honey Ham. Also, I hate bologna with a passion.
DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes, I have 3. (Caleb is almost 6, Ty is almost 4 and Brett is about 19 months)
IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes and no. I come with a lot of baggage that can be frustrating, but I'm an extremely loyal friend and I love to listen.
DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? I tend to be an extremely sarcastic person. Witty sarcasm is my favourite kind of humour.
DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? I don't. They came out right before I turned 10 and should have been out YEARS before that.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I don't eat a lot of cereal, but I love things like Quaker Harvest Crunch and Honey Bunches of Oats.
DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Only if I need to in order to get them off of my foot.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically, no. Emotionally this is a frustrating thing for me because I've had to do things that make people think that I'm strong (and I hate people telling me that I am), but I personally don't feel that I am.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? I love Haggen Daaz Cookie Dough Dynamo, the PC brand of Cotton Candy and Marble Slab's Cheesecake.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? I notice shoes a lot, actually. And hair.
WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Physically, my underdeveloped chin (which is a VERY sore spot with me after years and years of teasing). As a whole, I'd have to say my bipolar.
WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My father-in-law, who passed away in March and was one of the most amazing people I've ever met.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Eggs
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Dora the Explorer that Ty is watching.
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Pink
FAVORITE SMELLS? Lilacs, vanilla and cinnamon.
FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Hockey, Soccer and Curling
HAIR COLOR? My hair is, medium brown? I think...
EYE COLOR? Fun cause I recently learned a term for this. It's Glasz. My eye color changes all the time between blue, green, grey and even a bit of yellow on occasion. Today they are a bluish grey.
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, but I am trying to wear my glasses more.
FAVORITE FOOD? I like a good lasagna or chicken parmesan.
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The Hunger Games
FAVORITE SEASON? I think it's a tie between spring and fall.
FAVORITE DESSERT? Either cheesecake or sticky toffee pudding.
COMPUTER OR TELEVISION? I use my phone or computer for most things, including Netflix.
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? I just finished The Land of Stories: The Wishing Spell by Chris Colfer. Today I'm starting Fishers of Men by Gerald N Lund.
FAVORITE SOUND? Running water (river, rain...) or just a good song
WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Nova Scotia for distance, Utah for out of country.
DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I'm really good at planning things out in detail. Execution is another story.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Nova Scotia, Canada
WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW? Alberta, Canada
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK? So everyone's expecting a Harry Potter book, right? I'd have to say, though that Behold The Man by Gerald N Lund is my favorite.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE? Again, it's not HP. My favorite movie is Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (the extended version).
WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My middle name is also the middle name of both of my grandmothers
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Wednesday night I had a full out cry but ended up getting a lot out of it.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Roasted Turkey or Honey Ham. Also, I hate bologna with a passion.
DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes, I have 3. (Caleb is almost 6, Ty is almost 4 and Brett is about 19 months)
IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes and no. I come with a lot of baggage that can be frustrating, but I'm an extremely loyal friend and I love to listen.
DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? I tend to be an extremely sarcastic person. Witty sarcasm is my favourite kind of humour.
DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? I don't. They came out right before I turned 10 and should have been out YEARS before that.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I don't eat a lot of cereal, but I love things like Quaker Harvest Crunch and Honey Bunches of Oats.
DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Only if I need to in order to get them off of my foot.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically, no. Emotionally this is a frustrating thing for me because I've had to do things that make people think that I'm strong (and I hate people telling me that I am), but I personally don't feel that I am.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? I love Haggen Daaz Cookie Dough Dynamo, the PC brand of Cotton Candy and Marble Slab's Cheesecake.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? I notice shoes a lot, actually. And hair.
WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Physically, my underdeveloped chin (which is a VERY sore spot with me after years and years of teasing). As a whole, I'd have to say my bipolar.
WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My father-in-law, who passed away in March and was one of the most amazing people I've ever met.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Eggs
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Dora the Explorer that Ty is watching.
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Pink
FAVORITE SMELLS? Lilacs, vanilla and cinnamon.
FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Hockey, Soccer and Curling
HAIR COLOR? My hair is, medium brown? I think...
EYE COLOR? Fun cause I recently learned a term for this. It's Glasz. My eye color changes all the time between blue, green, grey and even a bit of yellow on occasion. Today they are a bluish grey.
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, but I am trying to wear my glasses more.
FAVORITE FOOD? I like a good lasagna or chicken parmesan.
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The Hunger Games
FAVORITE SEASON? I think it's a tie between spring and fall.
FAVORITE DESSERT? Either cheesecake or sticky toffee pudding.
COMPUTER OR TELEVISION? I use my phone or computer for most things, including Netflix.
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? I just finished The Land of Stories: The Wishing Spell by Chris Colfer. Today I'm starting Fishers of Men by Gerald N Lund.
FAVORITE SOUND? Running water (river, rain...) or just a good song
WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Nova Scotia for distance, Utah for out of country.
DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I'm really good at planning things out in detail. Execution is another story.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Nova Scotia, Canada
WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW? Alberta, Canada
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK? So everyone's expecting a Harry Potter book, right? I'd have to say, though that Behold The Man by Gerald N Lund is my favorite.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE? Again, it's not HP. My favorite movie is Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (the extended version).
Friday, August 31, 2012
"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"
I can't believe it's been over a month since I posted. Okay, I can, but it still seems odd. I just never seem to have anything to write about. My brother got married this month and it was a great day with a fair few tears on my part. Caleb was a great ring bearer and took his duty very seriously. I even got to dance that night, which I hadn't got to do in OH SO LONG and really missed. I included my favourite picture of the day (myself, Caleb and my dad).It's actually been a pretty tough month for me. I've realized that I haven't forgiven myself for something that everyone else (including Heavenly Father) has forgiven me for, which is the life I lead (before I joined the church) that ended up in my becoming a birth mother. I haven't been able to forgive myself for all of the pain that I ended up causing myself and other people as well. At least now I realize how I actually feel and am working on the problem. Forgiving ourselves, I think, is a lot harder than forgiving anyone else and I know that I'm in for a long and emotional process. It will be worth it, though.
So I'm a huge music junkie. I don't mean "I like to listen to music" or "I enjoy playing an instrument or singing", I mean "Music is my rock, has been for years and years and is my crutch in any given difficult situation". Naturally, I'm always wanting new music. So I asked one of the YW in our ward for some suggestions. I knew she was the kind of person that would suggest stuff that I'd probably actually like and relate to instead stuff I can just appreciate. One of the bands she recommended was Relient K. So I searched them on iTunes and had 2 thoughts as I listened to one of their songs. 1)This band plays a style of music that I absolutely love; and 2) This song title sums up EXACTLY how I've been feeling this last month, "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been". It boils down to me being grateful for having music in my life and the strength that it brings me. I may not be able to sing or to play, but I have an intense passion for music, and that in and of itself is a gift in my eyes.
Tomorrow is the Harry Potter party, which I'm pretty excited about. Also, Caleb starts grade 1 next week, which we're BOTH really looking forward to. I think September is going to be a much better month. Now to pack my trunk for Hogwarts...
Friday, July 27, 2012
July
I know it's been a very long time since I posted. It's been a tough few weeks. Camp was (mostly) a really good experience. I unexpectedly became really good at doing lice checks. I got to really strengthen my relationships with the girls though, which was awesome. I shot a 22 rifle and a 12 gauge shotgun at camp and decided I love target shooting. I also went down a zip line, which was a lot of fun. We had an awesome day at the beach where I got a very burned back, despite the 3 coats of sunscreen I put on while we were there. It's all healed now, though, and is no longer ghostly white.
After camp, I had an emotional letdown, which I was kind of aware was a possibility but hadn't REALLY expected it. It's been a tough few weeks trying to get back to normal, but I'm slowly getting there. I'm looking forward to my brother's wedding in 2 weeks. I get to buy a new dress for it, which I'm excited about. Hopefully I'll be able to find something nice.
No Attitude of Gratitude this month. I never remember when I'm supposed to, so I may give it up altogether for that reason.
Not too much else is going on, so I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend and is enjoying their summer.
After camp, I had an emotional letdown, which I was kind of aware was a possibility but hadn't REALLY expected it. It's been a tough few weeks trying to get back to normal, but I'm slowly getting there. I'm looking forward to my brother's wedding in 2 weeks. I get to buy a new dress for it, which I'm excited about. Hopefully I'll be able to find something nice.
No Attitude of Gratitude this month. I never remember when I'm supposed to, so I may give it up altogether for that reason.
Not too much else is going on, so I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend and is enjoying their summer.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Super Late AoG
Since I didn't do the Attitude of Gratitude day when I normally would have, I'll fit it in now. In case you couldn't tell by my last post, I've been struggling with my disorder again lately. Between Caleb's behavior, lingering grief after the funeral and weather that's as bipolar as I am, it hasn't been the easiest few weeks. I'm just trying to take things 1 day at a time, sometimes even 1 hour at a time.
Anyway, here goes:
1) I am so incredibly grateful for the calling I have working with the Young Women and the strength it is in my life. It has been my lifeline these past few weeks. I have LOVED getting to know the young women in my ward better and seeing just how amazing they really are. I love the energy they have and how it gives me extra boosts. I am grateful for the little things, like one of the young women going out of her way yesterday to give me a high five as I received my last personal progress ribbon for my bookmark.
2) I am grateful for my wonderful husband who is so good to me and tries so hard to be as supportive as possible when I'm struggling. I am so lucky to be his eternal companion.
3) I am grateful for prayer and how powerful it can be. I am so thankful that I have a way to communicate to Heavenly Father how I'm feeling and to feel like I'm actually having a conversation. I love the peace that it brings me and I'm so eternally grateful to have a Heavenly Father who knows me as an individual and loves me so much.
Anyway, here goes:
1) I am so incredibly grateful for the calling I have working with the Young Women and the strength it is in my life. It has been my lifeline these past few weeks. I have LOVED getting to know the young women in my ward better and seeing just how amazing they really are. I love the energy they have and how it gives me extra boosts. I am grateful for the little things, like one of the young women going out of her way yesterday to give me a high five as I received my last personal progress ribbon for my bookmark.
2) I am grateful for my wonderful husband who is so good to me and tries so hard to be as supportive as possible when I'm struggling. I am so lucky to be his eternal companion.
3) I am grateful for prayer and how powerful it can be. I am so thankful that I have a way to communicate to Heavenly Father how I'm feeling and to feel like I'm actually having a conversation. I love the peace that it brings me and I'm so eternally grateful to have a Heavenly Father who knows me as an individual and loves me so much.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
The Real Me, 2011 and Goals For 2012
Last night we went out to friends/family's house to ring in the new year after a nice supper at home. It was a great day all around and we really enjoyed getting out of the house without kids. On the way home John made a comment that really stuck with me. He said that other than briefly during our engagement and maybe the first month of our marriage, these past couple of months have been the first time he's really seen the real me. It made sense. As soon as I got pregnant with Caleb I got sick and since then we've been shuffling between sick and in severe pain during pregnancy, postpartum depression and bipolar. It wasn't an easy thing to go through, so I'm sure it wasn't easy for John to live with, but he stuck by my side through it all. So many people have told me how much of a difference my losing weight has made for me. I'm really enjoying how much better I feel.
I have mixed feelings about 2011. It didn't get off to the best start. I was having a very tough time with my pregnancy and bipolar and ended up having Brettley 7 weeks early. I had to leave a hospital without a baby for a second time and wasn't allowed to be left without another adult for over a week after that because it was so hard on me. My heart was torn for weeks between home and the NICU.
Most of the year was just kind of there. I'm pretty indifferent to a lot of it. However, the past few months have been wonderful. Losing weight and having that be such a huge load off of my disorder has been amazing. Finding out that there's still a baby girl waiting to come to us in a few years meant more to me than I'll ever be able to express.
So there have been some really hard things that I went through in 2011, but some really wonderful things have happened as well. I guess the main thing is that I'm looking forward to getting even healthier in 2012 and trying to become an even better person. I'm also looking forward to my only sibling getting married.
I accomplished 6 of my 11 goals for 2011 that I set early in the year, which is technically a pass. I also came close to accomplishing another. So here are my 12 goals for 2012:
1) Reach my goal weight and maintain it.
2) Take the kids to the park at least once every other week during the summer.
3) Go to Wainmo for a visit (I haven't been there in over 18 months).
4) Teach Brettley to sit on his own.
5) Go to the temple every month.
6) Hold FHE every week.
7) Buy all of Caleb's school supplies before the end of July.
8) Read the New Testament and the Book of Mormon all the way through.
9) Make it through the year without having a relapse.
10) Take more care with my appearance.
11) Start saving to go to Utah again.
12) Put more effort into exercising.
I have mixed feelings about 2011. It didn't get off to the best start. I was having a very tough time with my pregnancy and bipolar and ended up having Brettley 7 weeks early. I had to leave a hospital without a baby for a second time and wasn't allowed to be left without another adult for over a week after that because it was so hard on me. My heart was torn for weeks between home and the NICU.
Most of the year was just kind of there. I'm pretty indifferent to a lot of it. However, the past few months have been wonderful. Losing weight and having that be such a huge load off of my disorder has been amazing. Finding out that there's still a baby girl waiting to come to us in a few years meant more to me than I'll ever be able to express.
So there have been some really hard things that I went through in 2011, but some really wonderful things have happened as well. I guess the main thing is that I'm looking forward to getting even healthier in 2012 and trying to become an even better person. I'm also looking forward to my only sibling getting married.
I accomplished 6 of my 11 goals for 2011 that I set early in the year, which is technically a pass. I also came close to accomplishing another. So here are my 12 goals for 2012:
1) Reach my goal weight and maintain it.
2) Take the kids to the park at least once every other week during the summer.
3) Go to Wainmo for a visit (I haven't been there in over 18 months).
4) Teach Brettley to sit on his own.
5) Go to the temple every month.
6) Hold FHE every week.
7) Buy all of Caleb's school supplies before the end of July.
8) Read the New Testament and the Book of Mormon all the way through.
9) Make it through the year without having a relapse.
10) Take more care with my appearance.
11) Start saving to go to Utah again.
12) Put more effort into exercising.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
6 Years, Christmas and The Final Report
As of today, John and I have been married for 6 years. It's been an amazing experience that I wouldn't trade for anything. I am so blessed to be his eternal companion. My mum has all 3 boys until Wednesday, so we're enjoying so peace and quiet for a few days.
Christmas went very well this year, which was a very nice change from last year. We spent time with family and I got to see 2 good friends, so it was a good time.
So yesterday was my last day of my 90 day Individual Worth project. I ended up losing a final total of 22.8 lbs in those 90 days. As I've mentioned in the past, I fully intend for the change to be permanent. I am SO SO SO grateful that I decided to do this as my project. I have felt so much better about myself and it has helped my bipolar so much as well. Several people have told me that they can see that the weight loss has made a difference in me emotionally as well as physically. I'm taking today off as John and I are having a nice supper and then going out to have a New Year's party with a few friends, but our goal in January is to exercise every single day. I have 2 Jillian Michaels DVDs and my Zumba game for the Wii, so I'm really looking forward to this new challenge. John is letting me put together an exercise program for him, so I'll be basing it off of the 30 Day Shred.
Anyway, I think that's about all for now, mostly I just wanted to get in the final info for my 90 day project. I hope you all have a wonderful 2012.
Any goals for 2012? Mine is to reach my goal weight, and I'm over halfway there:)
Christmas went very well this year, which was a very nice change from last year. We spent time with family and I got to see 2 good friends, so it was a good time.
So yesterday was my last day of my 90 day Individual Worth project. I ended up losing a final total of 22.8 lbs in those 90 days. As I've mentioned in the past, I fully intend for the change to be permanent. I am SO SO SO grateful that I decided to do this as my project. I have felt so much better about myself and it has helped my bipolar so much as well. Several people have told me that they can see that the weight loss has made a difference in me emotionally as well as physically. I'm taking today off as John and I are having a nice supper and then going out to have a New Year's party with a few friends, but our goal in January is to exercise every single day. I have 2 Jillian Michaels DVDs and my Zumba game for the Wii, so I'm really looking forward to this new challenge. John is letting me put together an exercise program for him, so I'll be basing it off of the 30 Day Shred.
Anyway, I think that's about all for now, mostly I just wanted to get in the final info for my 90 day project. I hope you all have a wonderful 2012.
Any goals for 2012? Mine is to reach my goal weight, and I'm over halfway there:)
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Christmas Questions, Advent and More Weight Loss
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I like wrapping paper for Christmas. Birthdays and everything else can be gift bags, but there's just something about wrapped presents under the tree that I love.
2. Real tree or Artificial? I'd like the smell of real, but not the short life or clean up, so we're all about the pre-lit artificial ones.
3. When do you put up the tree? I try to wait until the first week in December, I usually fail and it goes up shortly after Remembrance Day. I made it to December 1st this year, though.
4. When do you take the tree down? Usually on or around January 8th so that it's up for Ukrainian Christmas.
5. Do you like Egg Nog? I love the light stuff, but won't be having much this year as it's very high in calories.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Hmm, Tinker Toys always seem to stand out to me.
7. Hardest person to buy for? My Dad, every single year.
8. Easiest person to buy for? Caleb, he's always the easiest.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, my mother in law got me 3 parts to the Willow Tree set and I love it.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I usually mail them all, but I only mailed a small amount this year. I love getting them in any form, though.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Nothing is really standing out, except maybe Caleb puking all over the place last year and having a disorder relapse...Wasn't the best gift, ha ha.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Forgotten Carols, all the way.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Usually October, but have started in September a time or two. I'm usually done by December 1st. I just have John's stocking left to do right now.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Not that I remember
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas and favorite Christmas dessert? Stuffing, stuffing and stuffing. I also greatly miss doing the appetizer dinner at my mum's house on Christmas Eve. My favourite Christmas 'treat' is Almond Roca.
16. Lights on the tree? How can you have a tree without lights? I like the coloured ones while I have kids at home, but will probably switch over to clear many years down the road.
17. Favorite Christmas song? I have several and none are traditional. Christmas Carroll, Christmas Candy...Mary, Did You Know?...Breath Of Heaven...Old City Bar...
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? This will be our last year of travelling. We are very much looking forward to doing Christmas in our own home after this year.
19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer’s? Sure can
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? We have an angel because that's what I grew up with.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? We usually do pajamas on Christmas Eve night and the rest Christmas morning.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Having people dictate the kind of festive greeting that I'm allowed to give. You wish me what you celebrate and I'll wish you a Happy Christmas because that's what I celebrate. How difficult is that?
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I'd love to eventually do teal, red and silver or something like that.
24. Handmade ornaments or store bought? I like both.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? I just want my in-laws to like what we're giving them. I put a lot of thought into it and I'm very excited about it. As long as we all enjoy the day and remember our Savior, then I'm good.
************
We have done 2 advent days in December so far. On the 1st, we put up and decorated the tree. Yesterday we made 2 different kinds of chocolate covered cookie balls. Today the kids are writing letters to Santa.
I knew the weight I'd gained yesterday was water weight...I have now officially broke my pre-Ty pregnancy weight!!! I have 3 more pounds to lose by the end of December to reach my goal. I'm hoping to do that by the 16th instead, but we'll see how it plays out.
2. Real tree or Artificial? I'd like the smell of real, but not the short life or clean up, so we're all about the pre-lit artificial ones.
3. When do you put up the tree? I try to wait until the first week in December, I usually fail and it goes up shortly after Remembrance Day. I made it to December 1st this year, though.
4. When do you take the tree down? Usually on or around January 8th so that it's up for Ukrainian Christmas.
5. Do you like Egg Nog? I love the light stuff, but won't be having much this year as it's very high in calories.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Hmm, Tinker Toys always seem to stand out to me.
7. Hardest person to buy for? My Dad, every single year.
8. Easiest person to buy for? Caleb, he's always the easiest.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, my mother in law got me 3 parts to the Willow Tree set and I love it.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I usually mail them all, but I only mailed a small amount this year. I love getting them in any form, though.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Nothing is really standing out, except maybe Caleb puking all over the place last year and having a disorder relapse...Wasn't the best gift, ha ha.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Forgotten Carols, all the way.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Usually October, but have started in September a time or two. I'm usually done by December 1st. I just have John's stocking left to do right now.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Not that I remember
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas and favorite Christmas dessert? Stuffing, stuffing and stuffing. I also greatly miss doing the appetizer dinner at my mum's house on Christmas Eve. My favourite Christmas 'treat' is Almond Roca.
16. Lights on the tree? How can you have a tree without lights? I like the coloured ones while I have kids at home, but will probably switch over to clear many years down the road.
17. Favorite Christmas song? I have several and none are traditional. Christmas Carroll, Christmas Candy...Mary, Did You Know?...Breath Of Heaven...Old City Bar...
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? This will be our last year of travelling. We are very much looking forward to doing Christmas in our own home after this year.
19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer’s? Sure can
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? We have an angel because that's what I grew up with.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? We usually do pajamas on Christmas Eve night and the rest Christmas morning.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Having people dictate the kind of festive greeting that I'm allowed to give. You wish me what you celebrate and I'll wish you a Happy Christmas because that's what I celebrate. How difficult is that?
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I'd love to eventually do teal, red and silver or something like that.
24. Handmade ornaments or store bought? I like both.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? I just want my in-laws to like what we're giving them. I put a lot of thought into it and I'm very excited about it. As long as we all enjoy the day and remember our Savior, then I'm good.
************
We have done 2 advent days in December so far. On the 1st, we put up and decorated the tree. Yesterday we made 2 different kinds of chocolate covered cookie balls. Today the kids are writing letters to Santa.
I knew the weight I'd gained yesterday was water weight...I have now officially broke my pre-Ty pregnancy weight!!! I have 3 more pounds to lose by the end of December to reach my goal. I'm hoping to do that by the 16th instead, but we'll see how it plays out.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Weight
I thought my pre-pregnancy weight was lower than it actually was. I am officially lighter than my pre-Brettley pregnancy weight. Now it's losing the bipolar weight. I can do this!!!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Weight Loss and Halloween Time
John and I did our official 4 week weigh ins on Saturday. He has lost 16 lbs since Oct 1st and has dropped 2 pants sizes. I have lost 9.2 lbs and have dropped 1 pants size. I am pretty impressed that we managed to accomplish that in the same month as Thanksgiving, Caleb's surgery and company staying with us for a weekend. My goal for November is to lose 5.1 lbs, so that I will be under 180. As of Saturday, I only have 10 lbs to go to reach my pre-pregnancy weight from when I got pregnant with Brettley. I am hoping to reach this by the end of 2011, but by Brett's first birthday at the absolute latest.
Weight has been a huge struggle for me the past few years. After having Ty I got back to a healthy weight and looked quite decent for someone who'd been pregnant 3 times. Then we found out I had bipolar when it got super out of control and I got put on meds for it. In the first month alone I gained 25 lbs. I just kind of gave up after that. I tried to go back to calorie counting a few times but just couldn't stick with it, my heart wasn't all there.
Why is this time different? Probably for several reasons. The first being that it's a project for my Personal Progress, which I really want to do. The second reason would be that I am accountable to someone for how I do each day and I don't want to have to tell her that I gave up or wimped out or something (thanks for being there for me). The third is that I just got downright sick of not being able to wear clothes that I actually like because I was too big to fit in any of them. There are more reasons...Health, being a good example for my kids and more. It was all too much and finally it stuck. If I mess up a day here or there I just get back on track the next day.
***
On Saturday we went to our ward's Trunk or Treat. It was Caleb's first outing since the surgery. First they had games which resulted in Ty eating at least 3 rice krispie treats and John and I making fools of ourselves racing each other to eat 2 gummie worms and a bowl of whipped cream each faster than the other. I lost and I'm okay with that. Then we went outside and people gave out candy from the trunks of their vehicles. It was VERY cold. Caleb was The Human Torch (Fantastic Four), Ty was Thomas the Tank Engine and Brettley was Yoda. I did take pictures, I just haven't uploaded them yet. Ty will have to be Larry the Cucumber tonight because he got strawberries all over his costume on Saturday afternoon.
That night John and I went to the Olive Garden on a date. It was wonderful, I love their food. After that we picked up Brettley's Christmas present from Grandpa M a couple of months early. He got a bright red Bumbo chair. He loves it and I love having it. It's so useful. He 'sat' during Sacrament Meeting in it yesterday, which freed up both of us to deal with the other 2 boys.
Weight has been a huge struggle for me the past few years. After having Ty I got back to a healthy weight and looked quite decent for someone who'd been pregnant 3 times. Then we found out I had bipolar when it got super out of control and I got put on meds for it. In the first month alone I gained 25 lbs. I just kind of gave up after that. I tried to go back to calorie counting a few times but just couldn't stick with it, my heart wasn't all there.
Why is this time different? Probably for several reasons. The first being that it's a project for my Personal Progress, which I really want to do. The second reason would be that I am accountable to someone for how I do each day and I don't want to have to tell her that I gave up or wimped out or something (thanks for being there for me). The third is that I just got downright sick of not being able to wear clothes that I actually like because I was too big to fit in any of them. There are more reasons...Health, being a good example for my kids and more. It was all too much and finally it stuck. If I mess up a day here or there I just get back on track the next day.
***
On Saturday we went to our ward's Trunk or Treat. It was Caleb's first outing since the surgery. First they had games which resulted in Ty eating at least 3 rice krispie treats and John and I making fools of ourselves racing each other to eat 2 gummie worms and a bowl of whipped cream each faster than the other. I lost and I'm okay with that. Then we went outside and people gave out candy from the trunks of their vehicles. It was VERY cold. Caleb was The Human Torch (Fantastic Four), Ty was Thomas the Tank Engine and Brettley was Yoda. I did take pictures, I just haven't uploaded them yet. Ty will have to be Larry the Cucumber tonight because he got strawberries all over his costume on Saturday afternoon.
That night John and I went to the Olive Garden on a date. It was wonderful, I love their food. After that we picked up Brettley's Christmas present from Grandpa M a couple of months early. He got a bright red Bumbo chair. He loves it and I love having it. It's so useful. He 'sat' during Sacrament Meeting in it yesterday, which freed up both of us to deal with the other 2 boys.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Birthday, Health and Gratitude
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 27, which is nothing spectacular. I don't feel old on my birthdays because John is 8 years older than I am and he makes me feel young. I didn't do much of anything for my birthday, except make myself beef enchiladas for supper. They were pretty good, but a little bit more work than I thought they'd be. I haven't decided yet if they're going to stay on the regular menu or be replaced with something a bit easier to make.
I have been calorie counting since Sunday morning and exercising since Monday. I am really enjoying it and have an awesome sponsor who's keeping me accountable and that's working very well for me. John has been counting calories as well and doing great with it. Even when they have yummy leftovers at work he's been staying on track. My goal is to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight by Brettley's first birthday. I don't think there will be any trouble reaching that. My goal after that will be to lose my bipolar weight (I gained 25lbs in just 1 month because of medication), but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I'm feeling so much better health wise and about myself since I started doing this.
In the spirit of the upcoming Canadian Thanksgiving Day (this coming Monday), I will do this month's Attitude of Gratitude today:)
1) I am so grateful for the ability that we have to receive inspiration from Heavenly Father about what we should do in our lives. I am also grateful for the priesthood and for a husband who worthily holds it. I am grateful for the ability that he has to give me priesthood blessings so that I can receive further guidance from my Heavenly Father.
2) I am grateful that pomegranates are back in season. I miss them so much when they're not. I have had 3 in the past week and it wasn't nearly enough. I will have to buy more next week. I love pomegranates.
3) I am grateful for how wonderful I've felt this week in regards to my physical and emotional health. In choosing to take better care of my body, I am being extremely blessed. Heavenly Father is so good to us:)
I have been calorie counting since Sunday morning and exercising since Monday. I am really enjoying it and have an awesome sponsor who's keeping me accountable and that's working very well for me. John has been counting calories as well and doing great with it. Even when they have yummy leftovers at work he's been staying on track. My goal is to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight by Brettley's first birthday. I don't think there will be any trouble reaching that. My goal after that will be to lose my bipolar weight (I gained 25lbs in just 1 month because of medication), but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I'm feeling so much better health wise and about myself since I started doing this.
In the spirit of the upcoming Canadian Thanksgiving Day (this coming Monday), I will do this month's Attitude of Gratitude today:)
1) I am so grateful for the ability that we have to receive inspiration from Heavenly Father about what we should do in our lives. I am also grateful for the priesthood and for a husband who worthily holds it. I am grateful for the ability that he has to give me priesthood blessings so that I can receive further guidance from my Heavenly Father.
2) I am grateful that pomegranates are back in season. I miss them so much when they're not. I have had 3 in the past week and it wasn't nearly enough. I will have to buy more next week. I love pomegranates.
3) I am grateful for how wonderful I've felt this week in regards to my physical and emotional health. In choosing to take better care of my body, I am being extremely blessed. Heavenly Father is so good to us:)
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