It's Really Lonely Over Here

In going back over past posts, I've realized that I've been just as secretive on here about what's been going with Caleb this year as I've been in every other area of my life. I've given little snippets of information, but I've been holding in just how hard it's actually been. I've given more information to a few select people, but even ended up hardly doing that anymore. After a while, it gets tiring hearing "he's a boy, he'll grow out of it" and similar things. I've learned to trust my mum instincts, they are RARELY wrong, especially when it comes to Caleb. And I know in my heart of hearts that this is NOT just because "he's a boy" or because "he's still young". There is a very real and very serious concern.  But how do you get across to people that you need support from your friends because:

You've spent a significant potion of the past 9 months getting punched, slapped, kicked and hit by things thrown by your 7 year old child. That you've had countless times that you've had to restrain him so that he would no longer be able to do these things to your other children. That there have been so many times that you've had to just stand there and take it because you were too scared that if you tried to stop him that he'd accidentally get hurt in the process, but walking away wasn't an option because he would then be a danger to himself and to your younger children. That you've spent hours and hours bawling your eyes out because your very young child has already struggled with thoughts of self-harm. That you've been through option after option trying to get your child the help that they need and that it's always a constant battle to make sure that the help you are seeing understand just how serious the situation actually is and have had a (so-called) professional even shrug it off and try to turn it back around on you. That he has started lying about things so extreme that you had the system called about you over something that wasn't even remotely true. That you've been mortified as the principal has called to tell you (yet again) that your son hurt a classmate when he was unprovoked and you feel awful for the child who was hurt and know exactly how upset their parent must have been when their kid told them what happened at school that day. That you've constantly felt like a failure as a parent because no matter what you try to do about these things, it's NEVER enough.

To top it off, during this time, you've been having to make a decision about whether or not your 3 year old has caught up enough in his development to take him out of the Early Intervention Program or not. You've also had to decide whether to bow to the school's pressure to hold your child back in Kindergarten for another year. You lose both of your grandparents within 6 weeks. You find out that your mother had cancer. You have been dealing with serious repercussions of your own mental illness that leave you physically scarred (probably for the rest of your life).

Yes, THIS has been my life for the last 9 months. Are there good things that happened in there? Absolutely! But when you're dealing with this on a regular basis, you end up physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted pretty much ALL of the time. You end up breaking down in tears in the principal's office, and in the bishop's office. It takes everything you have to keep on going. And you do all of this feeling oh so alone. Because you have no idea where to even turn for support anymore.

This is why there has been so much blog silence from me this school year. Because THIS ^ has been my life. And I don't even know where it's safe to talk about it anymore, because so many people won't take it seriously.