Nikki Being Real

So I promised myself a few years back that I would be real and honest on my blog, that I wouldn't censor myself trying to make other people happier or more comfortable. I usually fail at being real and honest, so I'm going to try and buck that trend today.

So anyone who has 'known' me for a while probably knows that I have been diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar Disorder, and have been for over 5 years now. In a nutshell, I deal mostly with crippling depression and struggle with self-harm and other destructive thoughts. Once in a while, my head decides that I'm not miserable and that I should single-handedly try to take on the world (hypomanic episodes). When I was first being diagnosed, I was put on a medication called olanzapine. We only had Caleb and Ty at the time, and it felt like the nail in the coffin on ever having another baby. I gained 25 lbs within a single month of being on the medication and then I relapsed badly shortly after into another depression episode.

I then started taking a vitamin and mineral supplement that has been found to be effective by lots of people in treating their bipolar. We felt good about it after being on it for 4 months and then I got pregnant with Brettley. To be to the point here, I spent pretty much the entire pregnancy being dangerously suicidal. I've been on the supplement since then and although it's better than it was without it, I still feel like every single day is a fight just to try to be 'normal', and it's a fight that I'm losing more and more frequently. Happiness that lasts more than a fleeting moment is a rare miracle. I still get crippling depression at least twice per year. I have struggled greatly with self-harm for the past few years. In short, I'm not living, I am just barely surviving.

So last week John came home from work, sat down on the floor with me and said "I think it's time to give a different traditional medication a try". We talked about how I wanted to proceed with that. I decided to get an appointment with a new GP and discuss my options with them. John made me the appointment. This was a very difficult decision for me to make. I'm terrified of gaining weight again like I did on the olanzapine. I'm scared of things getting WAY worse before they can get better. I'm scared it'll take years and years to find what works for me. I felt like I'd failed for giving up on the supplement after 5+ years. But John gave me a priesthood blessing, and I am going to be learning how to rely on my Heavenly Father even more though this.

My appointment with the GP was yesterday evening. I have started a very low dose of a new kind (to me) of medication (yesterday was my last day on the supplement). I will be seeing him often to find out how it is working and what changes we may need to make. I have to go for blood work tomorrow and will get the results of that at my GP appointment next week. I need to start doing some form of physical activity (which I'm trying to figure out what I want to do that I will be able to enjoy). I have been ordered to be more social. I've also been told that I'm not allowed to bottle up what I'm going through anymore, I actually need to talk about it with people. I feel both scared and excited. Scared for the reasons that I mentioned in the previous paragraph, but also excited because I'm hoping that by stepping on this path that I will eventually find the right answer. Because I don't want to just barely survive anymore, I want to actually live.

The Atonement

I know, I missed last week. I'll post about why in a few weeks, I hope.

Anywho, I'd rather post the thing I missed, which is my spiritual thought for the month, rather than pictures of what I've been making over the past month, so here goes.

Here in Edmonton, we, as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, have been doing a media blitz over the past couple of months. This month's "thing" was to post a picture that shows what The Book of Mormon has taught you. Here's mine:

I wrote about this to my nephew this week, who is currently serving a mission. Too often, I think we forget that the Atonement covers so much more than just sin. The peace and comfort it can give you during your trials is nothing short of miraculous. I could not have gone through several things I've been through in my life without the comforting power of the Atonement. Even when I feel my most alone, I am NEVER truly alone, and how amazing is that?

The Past Month

On February 11th, Brettley turned 4 years old. My little man is not so little anymore. It's hard to believe that 4 years ago he was barely out of the hospital and he was the tiniest little thing. Now he is still on the short side, but he's a barrel of energy. He got a Lite Brite, an R2D2 hoodie, a Jake and the Neverland Pirates stuffie, a spinning R2D2 that lights up, lots of Matchbox Cars and a carrying case for them for his birthday. He is our big chocoholic, so he had homemade German Chocolate Cake with Chocolate Coconut Pecan icing on it. It is AMAZING!



The day after Brett's birthday I went down to Calgary for 4 nights. I stayed with my brother and his wife, which was a lot of fun. Except that the first day I was there I did a lot of walking in the mall but wore the wrong footwear for it and blistered my feet up a bit. Oops! I got a few new tops and some jeans as well as a spring jacket. We went antique shopping in Nanton on the Saturday and on Sunday my brother and I made a bunch of homemade perogies. It was awesome getting to spend so much time with them, and very much needed time away for this frazzled mum.

(A Scrabble Game with my SIL)

Last Monday we took the boys to West Edmonton Mall for the day. This was my dad's Christmas present to the boys, he financed the trip. First we went mini golfing, which was kind of a big gong show. I forgot that Caleb struggles with competitive games, and Brettley was a mobile hazard on the course, but we powered through it and the boys said that they enjoyed it. Next we went to Build a Bear to use the boys' gift cards from my mum. They each got something for their Build a Bear at home. We had lunch from McDonald's and then went to the Disney store so that Brettley could spend his birthday money from my dad. That was where he picked up the R2D2 stuff and the Jake stuffie. We put our stuff in a locker and spent a few hours in Galaxyland. The boys had a blast! Caleb wasn't a big fan of the kiddie rollercoaster, but other than that it was awesome. Caleb and Ty both want to come back for special time with Mum and Dad for their birthdays this year, which is fine by us. Way cheaper than throwing a party. We then had some Orange Julius and the males each got a Skylander from Game City before we headed back home. Brettley fell asleep about 5 minutes after we left the mall. It was a long day, but it was so awesome to spend that time together as a family.

(Wow, there are pictures of me that exist!)

Other than that, we've pretty much just had head cold after head cold cycling through our house. I've had seasonal allergies off and on all winter, and when they are combined with a head cold, it's a real doozy. I'm really looking forward to feeling healthy again. So that's our last 4 weeks, in a nutshell :)