Rough Day

7 years ago I was in a delivery room, about to give birth to the most beautiful girl in the world. In the past, her birthday has never been a problem for me. I celebrated the fact that she was born, and all that she gave me.

Of course this year would be different. Mother's Day was wonderful, so I guess I needed to have another day that would be tough for me. I don't expect her birthday to be tough from now on. In fact, I expect this one will be the only really hard one for me. Because everything to do with a girl this year is hard for me. Watching friends have baby girls, knowing that the only girl I'll ever give birth to is the one I placed, it's been a really huge struggle. It eats away at me a lot more than I'd like to admit. Let's face it, no one likes a complainer and as much of a complainer as I am, I hold a lot back to keep it from being worse.

Just please allow me this one day to struggle. I wish people would stop reminding me of all of the good things that I have and trying to stop me from talking about what hurts. It's not going to get better if I don't talk about it. However, I know very few people who understand the bittersweetness of placing a child with another couple and I've only met 1 person who is in the same situation as me (placed a girl, married and then had 3 boys and won't be having any more kids). Thankfully, at least she told me that it's okay to hurt and that just because it hurts doesn't mean that I love any of my boys less than I should.

I would never want to be without Brettley in our lives. I love him. He is the sweetest little thing with a smile that can melt your heart. I love the other 2 boys as well. I just wanted a girl, too. A girl of my own. I pass cute little girl clothes in Walmart and I tear up. It hurts, it really hurts.

However, I am bound and determined that next year will be better. Because next year will be better. That sweet girl that B wanted me to abort will be getting baptized, and that is definitely something to be celebrated.