"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

I can't believe it's been over a month since I posted. Okay, I can, but it still seems odd. I just never seem to have anything to write about. My brother got married this month and it was a great day with a fair few tears on my part. Caleb was a great ring bearer and took his duty very seriously. I even got to dance that night, which I hadn't got to do in OH SO LONG and really missed. I included my favourite picture of the day (myself, Caleb and my dad).

It's actually been a pretty tough month for me. I've realized that I haven't forgiven myself for something that everyone else (including Heavenly Father) has forgiven me for, which is the life I lead (before I joined the church) that ended up in my becoming a birth mother. I haven't been able to forgive myself for all of the pain that I ended up causing myself and other people as well. At least now I realize how I actually feel and am working on the problem. Forgiving ourselves, I think, is a lot harder than forgiving anyone else and I know that I'm in for a long and emotional process. It will be worth it, though.

So I'm a huge music junkie. I don't mean "I like to listen to music" or "I enjoy playing an instrument or singing", I mean "Music is my rock, has been for years and years and is my crutch in any given difficult situation". Naturally, I'm always wanting new music. So I asked one of the YW in our ward for some suggestions. I knew she was the kind of person that would suggest stuff that I'd probably actually like and relate to instead stuff I can just appreciate. One of the bands she recommended was Relient K. So I searched them on iTunes and had 2 thoughts as I listened to one of their songs. 1)This band plays a style of music that I absolutely love; and 2) This song title sums up EXACTLY how I've been feeling this last month, "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been". It boils down to me being grateful for having music in my life and the strength that it brings me. I may not be able to sing or to play, but I have an intense passion for music, and that in and of itself is a gift in my eyes.

Tomorrow is the Harry Potter party, which I'm pretty excited about. Also, Caleb starts grade 1 next week, which we're BOTH really looking forward to. I think September is going to be a much better month. Now to pack my trunk for Hogwarts...

July

I know it's been a very long time since I posted. It's been a tough few weeks. Camp was (mostly) a really good experience. I unexpectedly became really good at doing lice checks. I got to really strengthen my relationships with the girls though, which was awesome. I shot a 22 rifle and a 12 gauge shotgun at camp and decided I love target shooting. I also went down a zip line, which was a lot of fun. We had an awesome day at the beach where I got a very burned back, despite the 3 coats of sunscreen I put on while we were there. It's all healed now, though, and is no longer ghostly white.

After camp, I had an emotional letdown, which I was kind of aware was a possibility but hadn't REALLY expected it. It's been a tough few weeks trying to get back to normal, but I'm slowly getting there. I'm looking forward to my brother's wedding in 2 weeks. I get to buy a new dress for it, which I'm excited about. Hopefully I'll be able to find something nice.

No Attitude of Gratitude this month. I never remember when I'm supposed to, so I may give it up altogether for that reason.

Not too much else is going on, so I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend and is enjoying their summer.

Van and Camp

After yet another dead van issue last week, we have worked out a deal and are getting our new to us 2006 Dodge Caravan tomorrow. It has Sto N Go, which I'm over the moon about. I am so glad to be getting rid of the stupid Ford that has caused me nothing but problems since we bought it.

I won't get to enjoy the van until Saturday, though. I leave for camp tomorrow morning and the van isn't coming until the afternoon. I have been running around this past week like a chicken with my head cut off making sure everything is ready for camp. Funny enough, it's a stake camp and there shouldn't even be a lot to do. I guess it just doesn't help when you have a presidency change not even a month before camp and many last minute changes. Everything's about as ready as it can be though and I'm sure I'll relax and have a blast once we pull away in the motor home tomorrow. It's been interesting trying to get myself ready for camp and get my house ready for me to not be here. There's quite a bit of planning that goes into things when just Mum is going to be away.

I'll post all about camp when I get back, but won't have any pictures. I've opted not to bring my camera since I have to bring so many extra things as the only leader who is there for all of camp.

AoG

I'm seeing a trend with the last Thursday of the month here. My van stopped working last night and we're going to have to pump even more money into it. I don't care if I need another rush purchase vehicle, I will never buy another Ford as long as I live. I INSIST on a Dodge next time. I'm try to do my Attitude of Gratitude well, but I'm not having the best of days, so be patient with me.

1) I am grateful for my new calling and the strength that it is in my life. I love serving in the Young Women presidency and working closely with the Beehives in my ward. I am so excited to go to camp with them in 12 more sleeps (not that I'm counting or anything).

2) I am grateful for the people who came and hugged me on Sunday when I was having a tough day. Hugs always seem to brighten things up. I love getting hugs and I love the people who gave me those particular hugs.

3) I am grateful that Caleb enjoyed his first year of school so much. He absolutely loved Kindergarten and learned so many things. He has started to learn how to read and can read basic books by himself (See fox. See fox run.). He and I are looking forward to grade 1 in the fall and even more adventures in learning.

The Big '8'

8 is kind of a big deal in our church, as that's the age when you  can get baptized. Well for me, today is 8 years SINCE I was baptized. It's very seldom that it feels like it's only been 8 years. Prep work for camp is the only time I really feel it because I don't know how anything works for camp. Most of the time it feels like ages and ages since I became a member of this church and made promises to Heavenly Father. So 8 years ago today, I made the best decision of my life. I can say best because every other good thing that's happened since then has happened BECAUSE of that decision. I love this church, I love my Heavenly Father, I love my Savior and I am incredibly grateful for the 2 men who taught me about it all.

A New Calling (Again)

Today was probably the most emotional day I've ever seen at church. Our entire Young Women leadership was redone and many of our old leadership will be going on to callings in other auxiliaries. I am very happy, humbled and grateful to have been called as the 2nd counselor in the new YW presidency. I will be the only leader going to all of camp. Our outgoing and incoming presidents are switching off as the other leader. I'm so excited to be going to camp and to get to know the girls better. I've only ever been to 1 night of YW camp, when I was visiting with friends in Utah, so I was overjoyed when I found out that I get to go to camp this year. (As a fun note just for 1 reader in particular, this is my 5th calling I've held in the past 15 months.)

As her parting act, our outgoing president got to be there as I received my Young Womanhood Recognition and she put my medallion on my neck for me. I am sad to see these incredible woman move on to new adventures that I don't get to share with them, but am looking forward to working with the new leaders (and rearranged leaders).

Probably the most emotional part of my day was when John told me that he was being switched from Financial Clerk to Membership Clerk. I hadn't realized just how emotionally hard his calling really had been for me until he told me that. I just broke down crying in tears of joy and relief. It's funny how I'm moving to a higher demand calling and am just over the moon about it and feel no stress from it whatsoever, but felt that much stress with John's higher demand calling. I think it's because of how much passion I have for the Young Women program and how much impact it can have on these wonderful girls.

Life is good. Life is so very good.

Listening To The Spirit

It still amazes me every time someone is very attentive to the Spirit, and probably without even knowing that they're doing it. In the past week I've had 3 friends that said things that I really needed to hear at that time. At a time when I've felt worthless, these friends have made me feel cared about and important. These past few weeks have been a big struggle for me, but it's things like this that help me get through the tough times.

Last night, one of my Beehives posted a status about me. I'd put together some binders for our Beehive presidency and she must have really liked them because they earned their own status complete with capital letters, smiley faces and a plethora of exclamation points. Right before I checked facebook, I'd been crying to John about something that I was really struggling with. So the first thing I noticed when I went on was this wonderful status letting me know that I was appreciated for all of her facebook friends to see. It made my evening so much better and was exactly what I needed at that moment.

I have some pretty awesome people in my life, and I am ever so grateful for them.