Dreading this Sunday

Last night John got his early Father's Day/Birthday gift. Caleb and I gave him a Nintendo Wii, a couple of games and a few accessories for it. Needless to say, John is very happy with his gift and looking forward to getting lots of use out of it while Caleb and I are visiting in Magrath this month. I'm glad that he likes it. I have my own controller with its pink sleeve on it, ha ha. John chose the black sleeve for his. Caleb was throwing a huge hissy fit while we were getting it though, it was awful. He wanted to be outside and walking around so badly, so I'm going to have to take him out to play today, I think. He didn't get to yesterday because my stomach was acting up again. I'm having a rough week as it gets closer and closer to Mother's Day. There is no skirting this truth, that I hate Mother's Day and I have for the past four years. In 2004, I was carrying my firstborn child that Mother's Day, the birth father had just taken off on me a few weeks before and I was alone and scared. I had no idea what I was going to do. In 2005, I was still mouring that little girl even though I knew that she was happy and healthy with the family I chose for her, I longed so much to feel her in my arms that one day. I ended up leaving sacrament meeting crying. 2006 brought another year of me carrying a child during Mother's Day and I soon found out that no joy of knowing that I would have my own child to hold that time next year could erase the pain I felt knowing that I could have been holding one right then. Last year was another hard one. I had high expectations for that day now that I had Caleb, but I was sorely disappointed. Visions of breakfast in bed or similar were in reality 2 cold Eggos waiting on the table with no one around them and a quickly signed card beside them. Caleb fussed through Church because to him it was just like any other Sunday and my husband ended up being the concluding speaker and told the ward (with my permission) about my story as a birth mother, so I ended up reliving that moment all over again on the one day of the year I would love to forget about it. This year, like 2004 and 2006, I am carrying a child for Mother's Day again. Although Caleb is older now and a lot more fun than he was a year ago, he still doesn't understand that this coming Sunday is different than other Sundays and so there will still be no "Happy Mommy Day, Mommy" in our house. Because being in Church on Mother's Day has become so hard for me, I have opted to forego Church this year and instead go with my son to visit my grandmother, who I don't get to see very often. What I would REALLY like to do on Sunday is to fall asleep the night before and not wake up until Monday morning, but I know that isn't an option. I just hope I get as few 'Happy Mother's Day' wishes as possible.