It's Really Lonely Over Here

In going back over past posts, I've realized that I've been just as secretive on here about what's been going with Caleb this year as I've been in every other area of my life. I've given little snippets of information, but I've been holding in just how hard it's actually been. I've given more information to a few select people, but even ended up hardly doing that anymore. After a while, it gets tiring hearing "he's a boy, he'll grow out of it" and similar things. I've learned to trust my mum instincts, they are RARELY wrong, especially when it comes to Caleb. And I know in my heart of hearts that this is NOT just because "he's a boy" or because "he's still young". There is a very real and very serious concern.  But how do you get across to people that you need support from your friends because:

You've spent a significant potion of the past 9 months getting punched, slapped, kicked and hit by things thrown by your 7 year old child. That you've had countless times that you've had to restrain him so that he would no longer be able to do these things to your other children. That there have been so many times that you've had to just stand there and take it because you were too scared that if you tried to stop him that he'd accidentally get hurt in the process, but walking away wasn't an option because he would then be a danger to himself and to your younger children. That you've spent hours and hours bawling your eyes out because your very young child has already struggled with thoughts of self-harm. That you've been through option after option trying to get your child the help that they need and that it's always a constant battle to make sure that the help you are seeing understand just how serious the situation actually is and have had a (so-called) professional even shrug it off and try to turn it back around on you. That he has started lying about things so extreme that you had the system called about you over something that wasn't even remotely true. That you've been mortified as the principal has called to tell you (yet again) that your son hurt a classmate when he was unprovoked and you feel awful for the child who was hurt and know exactly how upset their parent must have been when their kid told them what happened at school that day. That you've constantly felt like a failure as a parent because no matter what you try to do about these things, it's NEVER enough.

To top it off, during this time, you've been having to make a decision about whether or not your 3 year old has caught up enough in his development to take him out of the Early Intervention Program or not. You've also had to decide whether to bow to the school's pressure to hold your child back in Kindergarten for another year. You lose both of your grandparents within 6 weeks. You find out that your mother had cancer. You have been dealing with serious repercussions of your own mental illness that leave you physically scarred (probably for the rest of your life).

Yes, THIS has been my life for the last 9 months. Are there good things that happened in there? Absolutely! But when you're dealing with this on a regular basis, you end up physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted pretty much ALL of the time. You end up breaking down in tears in the principal's office, and in the bishop's office. It takes everything you have to keep on going. And you do all of this feeling oh so alone. Because you have no idea where to even turn for support anymore.

This is why there has been so much blog silence from me this school year. Because THIS ^ has been my life. And I don't even know where it's safe to talk about it anymore, because so many people won't take it seriously.

Learning Experiences in Motherhood

I feel like I'm finally in a place where I can go public with this story. I also feel like I should, since it was a great learning experience for me.

To start with, Caleb has been struggling with some really serious mental health issues this school year. I've spent most of the past 9 months stressing about how to best help him and get him the outside help that he needs. I've been being punched, hit, kicked, had things thrown at me and had to protect my other 2 kids while all of this was going on. It has NOT been an easy road. When Caleb started getting violent, I became even more hands off with him. I wouldn't stop him when he was hurting me because I was scared I'd accidentally hurt him. I know that what he was feeling inside must be scary enough, he didn't need that to happen on top of it. Caleb has also been struggling with a serious lack of self esteem and sense of self-worth. There is your background to this story.

A few weeks ago, Caleb was feeling like he needed attention while in his primary class with a newer teacher who didn't know what he's been going through or even that I was Caleb's mum. So he decided to tell a tall tale to get the attention he was seeking and proceeded to tell his primary teacher that I spanked him so hard that his bum bled. Let me be clear, this is NOT EVEN CLOSE to being true. But the teacher didn't know who his mum was, or that Caleb had quickly been turning into a compulsive liar, or all of the other issues that Caleb has had going on. I wasn't even aware that he officially HAD a different primary teacher. So filled with concern for Caleb, she took the matter to the bishopric. When an allegation like that is taken to the bishopric, things HAVE to be handled a certain way. So some sort of authorities were called (to this day, I'm not sure if it was the police, or child services). Luckily, we have an amazing bishop, who called me immediately after, explained what had been said in the classroom and what had to happen because it had been said. He assured me that it was most likely that the worst that would happen would be having do do an interview with them over the phone. He let me know that if I had any problems with child services that I was to let him know and he would be there to help me through it (also helps that my bishop is a lawyer). He reassured me that during the phone call he'd had to make that he'd let them know some of the things that Caleb had been struggling with this year.

As a mother, I was mortified that my child would even say something like that. I still am, to be honest. But that's not the learning experience. First, and foremost, it reassured me that Heavenly Father is looking out for me through all of my struggles with Caleb. I'm not someone who wants to take their struggles to the bishop (in the past, I've hit rock bottom before I've gone to him), but I felt strongly with this particular trial this school year that the bishop needed to know what was going on, and we'd spoke about it several times. Because of that, our bishop knew enough to let the authorities know what was going on with Caleb. It prevented me from even having to do a phone interview with them, which would have sent my anxiety level through the atmosphere, I'm sure.

This experience also taught me about looking at things the right way. I could have been bitter that the primary teacher hadn't talked to me about it before going to the bishop. It's not hard to find out who someone's mum is. I could have been mad that policy dictated that authorities HAD to be called. I didn't get like that, though. I was able to immediately look at it from this viewpoint: Had Caleb been abused by anyone else and for whatever reason felt more comfortable telling his primary teacher than telling me, I am SO GLAD that it would have been taken seriously and not just shrugged off.

But the thing that is most evident from this learning experience, is what it has done for Caleb. He saw how much it tore me down when he lied about me like that. And since then, he has worked insanely harder to keep his anger in check and to not say things that aren't true. He finally had enough of a wake up call to make a difference. We will have a long way to go, his self esteem and self worth issues are still very much there, but for the first time since September, I finally feel like we're making some progress!

Lastly, it says a lot about how far I've come with my anxiety issues that I've been able to handle this situation as well as I did. I seldom feel like I'm doing an okay job as a mother and developing into a better person, but this showed that I am definitely making progress. So as awful and hard as this experience was, I am actually grateful for it. It's so amazing what we can learn to be grateful for if we let ourselves.

Um, I'm Still Here

Okay, it's been over 2 months. I'd say I'm long overdue for a blog post. Since then I have finished my second round of Personal Progress and started on round 3 this morning. I just can't get enough of that program. I am still the Mia Maids adviser in our ward, just under a different presidency. I got to experience pneumonia for the first time in April, which was incorrectly diagnosed as a viral cold the first time I went in to see a doctor. I will NEVER see him again, since I was completely symptomatic for pneumonia and he totally shrugged it off without even ordering chest x-rays. Thankfully, my mother-in-law was here the first week that I had it to take care of the kids, and then my mum and dad both helped me out the second week. Caleb got it as well, but I knew what I was looking for, so he didn't get remotely as sick as I had.

The other week I had a spa day with my mum. It was great to spend some time with her, although it reminded me that I don't relax well (oops). This past weekend I was in Lethbridge for my brother's convocation from the U of L. He earned his Bachelor of Management. I went down with my dad, which means that I had 2 full days without John and the kids. Remember what I said about how I don't relax well? Yeah, still true here. I'm so glad that I was able to go and support him, though. Also, we had an AMAZING (!!!!!!) meal at Firestone on Friday. Hands down the best meal I've ever had in a restaurant.

Now we're buckling down for the last month of the school year (when did that happen?!?). Track and field day this week, pancake breakfast next week, field trip the week after where I'm am volunteering and then after that it will be the last week of school. Throw in a YW leadership meeting, temple recommend interview, child psychiatrist appointment, 2 baby showers, Father's day, camp prep and a birthday party and you end up with a VERY busy month ahead of us. I have YW camp the week after school lets out, which I'm really excited for and desperately praying to not have another lice experience this time around (ha ha).

In even bigger news, we actually get to take summer holidays this year, YAY :D John will be off of work for two and a half weeks. We'll be in Magrath for over a week, home for a day for dental consults for Caleb and Tyrell, and then in North Battleford for a bit to visit my uncle and aunt (under far better circumstances than the last 2 times).

I got to officially let the school know this morning that we will not be keeping Tyrell in kindergarten for a second year next year. They asked us to seriously consider it, but after talking to several people, we decided that we'd prefer him to repeat grade 1 if necessary, rather than kindergarten. I've already started buying school supplies for the boys for next year. (I may or may not absolutely ADORE buying school supplies)

So that's what's be going down and what's in store for the Bly family. I am most looking forward to not being stuck at home all summer this year. What are you looking forward to the most in SUMMER 2014?

Friday Update

So I decided to do an update today!

Brettley has spent most of the last few months sick. He finally started doing better late last week. He gets sick a lot more than the other 2 ever did. He's also a very opinionated and belligerent 3 year old boy, but oh so adorable.

Ty is currently sick. He did very well on his last report card and has progressed so much since he got a new teacher at the beginning of February. He now has the teacher that Caleb had, who I adore and she is just amazing with the kids. We are starting to notice him maturing as well, which is always reassuring.

Caleb is...He's Caleb. We've been trying to deal with some pretty big mental health issues with him this year, so we're still in the middle of trying to figure out what the problem even is. We've had 2 psychologists tell us that, yes, there is a problem and cause for concern, but they're not sure what the specific problem is. When the issue isn't bothering him, though, he's doing great. He's getting a new "to him" bed from Grandma Jo in a few weeks, which is a double, so he's very excited about that.

John is as normal, busy working during the day and helping me hold down the fort during evenings and weekends. He's been great about dealing with sick kids while I've been doing my calling this past month.

I am doing well. I have officially lost the first 10 lbs in my weight loss, which feels AMAZING! I got to box up almost all of my plus size clothing the other week to take to Value Village. I have been doing great with plugging away at my Personal Progress and have already finished 2 of the values (Faith and Virtue).  I believe I'm almost halfway done all of Personal Progress... I am still loving my calling. The girls are amazing and so inspiring. I love them!

'New' Math

I realize that I'm opening myself up to a world of debate here, but I'd like to blog about the 'new' math being taught in schools in Alberta. I didn't hear about it until the last couple of months, to be honest. From the sounds of it, it was the same way for most people. However, did you know that it actually started being implemented in 2008, which was over 5.5 years ago? Why are people just starting to complain about it now? It has been fully implemented since 2012, which was over a full school year ago!

Normally I take a live and let live approach to whatever controversial topic is going on at the time. However, on this one I DO NOT! I am pro 'new' math. Here's why:

I was the kind of student who did very well in school when learning was still very much hands on. As soon as school became about teachers lecturing at the front of the classroom and/or letting textbooks do the teaching for them, I started doing poorly in school. If I didn't show my math work exactly how I was expected to think the process through, I was docked marks. Not because my answer was wrong (which it wasn't), but because my thinking process wasn't considered the acceptable one. I was an exceptional math student when I was allowed to figure things out in my own way, but the more rigid the thought process became, the worse I did. I would have excelled with this so-called 'new' math. And had this kind of teaching been applied in other subjects as well, I would have remained an honors student. However, I was taught fully on the 'traditional' system, where if you couldn't do things in a specific way then you were wrong and left behind in the dust. I firmly believe that schools and educators need to accept the fact that different people learn in different ways and that they need to support more than 1 way of learning so that more students can excel in their own way of coming to the correct answer. This math curriculum actually addresses the fact that there is more than 1 way to get there.

Furthermore, both of my children have been doing the new math program since they started school. To be honest, I didn't even notice that they were, I just remember thinking that I liked how hands-on they were with learning it. I assumed it was just their teachers finding a great way that works. Both of my boys that are in school do extremely well in math. They do these kinds of activities at home as well, and I can see how beneficial it is to them. When they, on occasion, don't get the correct answer the first time they DO self-correct and end up finding the right one in their own way. They are learning math skills that are actually applicable to the real world. Bottom line here is that I learned every single math skill that I still use in real life while I was in elementary school. I grant you that I'm not an engineer or anything like that, but I firmly believe that teaching math that is applicable to the real world is beneficial. If people are THAT adamant that their child memorize the multiplication table, then work on it at home for 15 minutes after homework or something. Be proactive in your child's education. Don't feed me lines about being a working parent. I was raised by a single working mother who still made sure to make time to help her kids with any and all school projects or homework they had. It IS possible to be a working parent and still be active in your child's education.

So there you have it. With all of the crap going around dissing on the 'new' math program, here was my side of the argument. For the record, I have read up on the new curriculum and how the teaching works before I wrote this. But this is Alberta. Even when we hate something, we're still unwilling to change it because it would appear that we hate changing it up even more. Don't get me wrong, I love living in Alberta and it would take a miracle to make me leave. But as a province we tend to be extremely resistant to change...That's just 1 mother's opinion, though.

So Many Blessings

Last week was kind of a huge week for me in a lot of ways. I received a lot of tender mercies from the Lord. John was home with me every day except for Thursday. Instead, my dad was with me that day to take care of my kids for me. My dad also stayed with the kids both times John and I had to go to the ER. At the beginning of the week I had no clue what was even wrong with me. I was in so much pain and had no clue how I'd injured myself. It turns out, I didn't. Thanks to someone leaving a comment on my blog, I realized that I actually had an abscess. I went in to the ER days sooner than I would have if it hadn't been suggested to me. I had amazing people helping me while I was in the ER. On Thursday evening, as our bishop sat in our living room for a visit, he was inspired then and there to give me a new calling. I will be honest, I cried tears of happiness and relief. Within a minute of him extended the calling to me, I physically felt myself coming back to life. It was that pronounced. John saw it in me too. I got the opportunity to watch almost all of the 4 gold medal games I'd wanted to watch (I missed the last few ends of men's curling when I was back in the ER on Friday for my follow up). I also got to watch the amazing hockey game when our Canadian boys beat the US on Friday with one of my friends. On Friday I was very nervous about them taking the packing out of my wound and if they'd need to repack it. I had heard it can all be extremely painful. I was so grateful that I only had a moment of pain while the packing was taken out and was grateful again when the doctor told me it was small enough and healing well enough that it didn't need to be packed again. What a huge blessing! And yesterday I started the day with Caleb. We woke up at 4:30 am to watch the men's hockey team win gold. What an amazing memory it is for me to have shared that with him. I will remember it for years to come. And then in the afternoon, during ward conference, I was sustained as the Mia Maids adviser. I had all of those girls in activity days as well as when I was serving over Beehives. I have served one of the girls in Mia Maids in 6 different callings in the (not quite) 8 years I've been in this ward. I am so grateful for all of the good things that happened to me during the past week, and also that I was willing to see and focus on them rather than just the negative things that were occurring. My testimony grew leaps and bounds during the week. I truly am blessed!

Huge Thank You!

I'd like to send a huge thank you to the person who made an anonymous comment on my last post. I looked into what you suggested, and you were exactly right. I went in to the ER yesterday morning, they confirmed it and sedated me to drain the abscess. I have been pretty drugged up for the past 36 hours and been in a fair bit of pain, but I'm starting to feel a LOT better. I am so grateful for that anonymous comment, it probably saved me days more of being in really bad pain.