But That's Not What It's Supposed to Look Like...

Surprisingly, this post isn't homeschool related. So for the past several months I have struggling with depression and anxiety. It was hard to take it seriously for quite a while, because it was nowhere near as severe as it was before I started taking Seroquel. Before then, depression and anxiety meant not being able to do even the easiest of household tasks, not being able to hold myself together when John wasn't here, majorly struggling with self-harm. This time around, I was still able to get the basic chores around the house done, I was able to function without John at home, I was able to be consistent with homeschooling and even feel excitement about it. Although I'm sure I will always struggle with the temptation to self-harm, I haven't given in for well over a year. So my life didn't look how I expected depression and anxiety to look, but it was there. I was almost ambivalent about Christmas, which is the opposite of how I usually am. I couldn't sit still with more than 10 people near me without having an anxiety attack (yes, that means I couldn't do church), and often was having anxiety attacks in stores. I was depression eating.

So this past week I decided to make some changes. I was willing to open up to a good friend and also to a bishopric member about what was going on. That was a huge step, I always try to hide when I'm struggling. I committed to only eating after supper once per week, which would eliminate most of my stress-induced chips and dip binges. I am committing to some sort of intentional movement every day that John works, even if it's just dancing to 2 songs one day. I started taking a multivitamin for women. I decided to take church 1 week at a time, and my goal for this Sunday is to sit in the hallway and be able to stay there at least long enough to partake of the sacrament. At any time after that, if the anxiety is too much, I'll go sit in the van and read Jesus the Christ until John and the boys are done their meetings.

Also, I made the connection that things really started going downhill right when I started taking birth control pills in an effort to help with PMS emotional issues. So since I just finished a pack anyway, I decided that the trade off isn't worth it, and I won't be continuing with them.

While things haven't been easy, I've remained optimistic that I will get through this rough patch, like I always do. I just need to pull out of it 1 step at a time.