Belated Birthday Post aka Nikki Turned 33

So I feel like I'm not blogging often enough. This is the only journal I keep for myself and our family, unless you include things like Facebook and Instagram. I realized that I did fact about Caleb and Ty for their birthdays, but I didn't do facts for me about mine (probably because I was in a medication fog at the time). So I'm doing them now. My belated 33 facts about myself for my 33rd birthday.

1) Growing up, my favourite colour was blue. In the past 10 years it changed to purple, as that's the colour for pancreatic cancer awareness. Plus, purple is awesome!

2) My state of mind is almost always directly related to how clean or organized my house is.
3) When I was upset about something as a teenager I would deep clean and rearrange my room.
4) I don't really like chocolate, never really have. Most of it gives me toothaches.
5) I have a slight obsession with Dr Pepper. Okay, I'll own it, it's more like an addiction.
6) I have acquired a cat since moving to Magrath. It was sort of a family cat before that occasionally showed up here, but now (especially since it's snowy and cold) he's over here hanging out more often than not. His name is Webster and I love him.
7) I am severely terrified of mice. Like, whenever we've had mice in the past (thanks, town homes) I left home until it was 'safe' to come back. This might be one of the reasons I love having Webbie around so much.
8) I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when I was 19. I am deeply grateful for the perspective that being an adult convert gives me.

9) I am currently growing my hair out. It has been short for years, but it's too hard to maintain it as short as I like it and the wind down here demands the option of a ponytail.
10) I love sour or salty snacks. Miss Vickie's Sea Salt and Malt Vinegar chips are probably one of my favourite snacking foods of all time.
11) I reached a huge milestone this year. I have accepted and embraced my current weight and size. It has lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders and I wish I'd done it years ago. Nevertheless, I'm grateful to be at this point now.
12) I currently hold a position on my boys' school council.
13) This summer I went to my first concert ever with a good friend.

14) I have an incredibly diverse taste in music. My playlists include everything from classical to alternative, country to punk, gospel to metal, and several other genres.
15) I love baking, I just am not a fan of doing the dishes afterward.
16) I have made homemade perogies, pickled beets, nylysnyky, cabbage rolls, sausage and sauerkraut. I love my Ukrainian ancestry.
17) I find quads boring because I grew up driving a trike and I miss being able to steer that easily.
18) I have driven a combine and harvested canola before.
19) I have always be a pretty good shot with firearms. My uncle was so sad the day I declared I wouldn't hunt when I turned 12.

20) I am incredibly allergic to canola pollen. I have to take Benedryl every night and alternate between daytime allergy meds during the days to be able to function when it's in bloom.
21) I was a cheerleader in grade 12.
22) I don't eat anything that lived in water. Fish, shellfish, seaweed, any of it.
23) I am very sensitive to the smell of pineapple, particularly if it has been canned.
24) I started reading at the age of 4 and have loved reading ever since.
25) My favourite book, contrary to what most people think, is not a Harry Potter book. It's To Kill a Mockingbird.
26) My favourite movie is Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Extended Edition.
27) I am not good at auditory learning. If I don't see it happen or read the words, I have a hard time retaining what was said to me. It cracks me up that I love music so much and am so good at understand the lyrics, because it totally goes against how this usually works for me.
28) My favourite food is bacon. I LOVE bacon!

29) I have 2 people from mine and John's first primary class that I still keep in touch with. They have become dear friends and like family to me. They are now 18 and have become amazing young adults.
30) I intentionally don't put my kids in activities outside of church ones because I hate the idea of being an over-scheduled family. Our lazy evenings and weekends are precious to me.
31) I love reading books that help me learn more about the gospel. This year I've really been enjoying the books written by James L. Ferrell.
32) I had a Cabbage Patch Doll while I was growing up. Her name was Winifred and I called her Winner. I saw a Cabbage Patch Doll identical to her on a TV show this past week and it made me super excited. I think John wasn't sure what to do with me.
33) I love playing Dungeons and Dragons. We had an amazing group we played with in Edmonton. We still play together online, but I sure miss gaming together in person and having yummy treats along with it.

October 2017

The first few days of October our region had a massive snow storm. The boys even got to experience their first official snow day. Snow seems to make many people in my life sad, angry and other negative emotions. I'm generally indifferent to it. It looks super pretty sometimes, but mostly it's just part of living in Alberta and that's how I see it. This time, the snow felt like home. I live in the desert of Alberta now. It's hot, it's dry and it's crazy windy in this Chinook region. Snow gave me a sense of familiarity.


John and the boys stayed home on our snow day. I baked super amazing massive chewy chocolate chip cookies as well as some diabetic friendly peanut butter cookies for John. I also baked a Saskatoon Berry Pie that week. That's my favourite kind of pie in the whole world, but it was the first time I've ever made one. I also had my birthday that week, which I mentioned in my previous post. The highlight of that day was a surprise visit from my brother. Love that guy!

John and I actually were able to find Rod's grove. It's a bench surrounded by trees and flowers that was made by John's dad's friends after he passed away. I kept asking family here where it was and they'd always say something like "oh, it's by so-and-so's house". Um... I don't know where people live here. But anyway, we finally found it and we love it!

We had our municipal election. Holy doodle, I've never heard people in Canada get that nasty about an election in Canada ever before. It was not fun and I was glad when it was over. There was some humour though when someone grabbed some of the election signs from a neighbouring town (that we apparently have a bit of a rivalry with) and put them up here in town.

We had a heartwarming experience in the pharmacy mid-month. John and I were in the pharmacy to get my prescription for my meds filled. The store was having some system issues with their debit machine while they were ringing through the lady ahead of us. The cashier let us know what the total was for my pills in case we had the cash to cover it. We both realized we had no cash and kind of figured John would have to go to the bank to take out money for it. Then, the kind lady in front of us put down the cash on the counter to cover the cost of my meds and told the cashier she was paying for them. Neither of us knew her, but she was willing to pay for my meds for me, no questions asked. It was a bright ray of light in what has been a very dark time for me. 

John and I have been going on Saturday date in to Lethbridge in conjunction with our weekly grocery shopping. 2 weekends ago I got some jeans that fit (I had none) and then we went for brunch at Firestone. I had half of a club sandwich and cheddar broccoli soup. So delicious! We LOVE Firestone. It was my belated birthday meal since I wasn't doing well around my actual birthday.

The boys did their annual Primary Presentation. It was Caleb's last one. They all did great. Brettley even complimented Ty loudly after he said his part. It made us chuckle. 

Ty turned 9 and I did a post saying 9 things about him on Facebook. Here they are:

1) He is, hands down, the winner for recipient of 'most lines I never thought I'd have to use as a parent'.

2) His favourite colour is blue.

3) He loves Disney Princess movies. 

4) He is doing choir in school this year. He also likes to serenade the shower-head regularly.

5) He is my only boy who has hazel eyes or who is a south paw. Both are traits he shares with his dad.

6) Ty loves math, it is by far his favourite school subject.

7) He loves to talk randomly about cotton candy and/or pigs. He also randomly likes to rotate.

8) Well, really, he's just incredibly random in general.

9) Ty is an extremely happy person. I'm sure Heavenly Father gave him to me as my own personal ray of sunshine.

I had quite a few comments from people after my last blog post. It made me grateful that I chose to break my public silence about my struggles. Things seem a lot more positive having that added support. THANKS, GUYS!

Today we're enjoying Halloween, so here is our annual picture. Caleb is a military pilot, Ty is Harry Potter and Brettley is Boba Fett.

Blog Post #500

I just finished frosting and piping Ty's birthday cake. He turned 9 today. As I was squeezing blue icing out of a tube to make a lightning bolt and write a message on his cake, the irony of the situation was definitely not lost on me. In fact, it was screaming loudly, demanding to be heard. The last time I did any piping on a cake was for Ty's first birthday. I won't cherry coat this post, so this is your warning to turn back if you don't want the details.

My "on this day" on Facebook has been so kind the past few months to remind me that this time 8 years ago I had entered the worst depression cycle of my bipolar disorder that I'd ever experienced. John's parents came up for Ty's first birthday. Not because we'd asked them to come celebrate with us, but because they came to pick up our 2 boys to go stay with them for a couple of weeks. Not because we wanted the boys to have a super fun time with Grandma and Grandpa, but because I was non functioning. I couldn't even take care of myself, let alone 2 very young boys. Over the next half a year after that, my boys would spend many weeks down here with their grandparents as we tried desperately to figure out the best way to help get me okay again.

Here is the irony that I was mentioning I felt. I am currently struggling with the worst depressive episode I've had in the last 8 years. After our move down here I could feel myself sinking, but at first I thought it was because John was still working up in Edmonton and that once he was down here things would level out a bit again. Well, he got here over 2 months ago. Things kept getting steadily worse instead of better, especially once the boys started school. I went from having a clearly defined purpose last year as a full time mother and teacher to having nothing and no one to keep me occupied during the day for five days a week. I don't know who I am anymore. I've wondered a lot why we are counselled very heavily to be at home when our kids our young if possible, but no counsel is given about what to do once they're all in school full time. I feel so lost. I am still without a calling (other than being a visiting teacher).

By the time Caleb's birthday rolled around last month, I had severe, debilitating anxiety attacks daily. I absolutely had no desire to read anymore, which if you know me you would know is a clear sign that something was very wrong. I no longer had a desire to live. My mind began formulating plans about how and when would be the best way to commit suicide. I was able ignore it when it was just the 'when'. However, as soon as the 'how' came, I told John how bad things had gotten.

A few days after I told John I was already in an appointment with our new family doctor telling him how bad things were with me. Bless that man's heart, I definitely chose a wonderful doctor for our family. He started me back on meds. He arranged an appointment for me with a short term counselor. He asked me to come back in a week. I had my niece with me during the days that week, and we asked my dad come and stay with me for the following week. I knew I was a danger to myself, and we took steps to ensure I was safe.

That next week, while my dad was here, I had to up my dosage from the starting dose to the next dosage as ordered by my doctor. That was the night before my birthday. Now, if you've ever taken Seroquel or are close to someone who has, you know that adjusting to Seroquel makes you exhausted beyond reason. The brain fog is awful and all you want to do all of the time is fall asleep right where you are. You basically look stoned and really aren't coherent. That's how I spent my birthday as I first met with the short term counselor and then with my family doctor.

The meeting with the counselor went well, but she felt I would be better off with someone who does long term counselling, so she asked if I was okay with that. I knew that was what I needed, so I agreed and we got that going. She had me start to fill out my safety plan to help keep me safe. Then I met with my doctor, who decided that we were going to cover all of our bases and he referred me to a psychiatrist as well.

I was able to meet with my new counselor the following week. I felt very quickly that she would be a very good fit for me. I find it incredibly easy to talk to her, and we share several common interests. We meet again next Tuesday. Since then I've met with my doctor again and I got an appointment set with the psychiatrist for Nov 28. I'm also on the cancellation list for that, so it could be sooner.

It baffles me how quickly things move down here. Within a month of me telling John how bad I'd gotten, I've had 3 doctor appointments, 2 counseling appointments and have a psychiatrist appointment booked for just over a month from now. I'm not used to things moving this quickly, but I sure appreciate it.

This past Sunday I forced myself to go to church because it was our ward's Primary Presentation. More particularly, it was Caleb's last Primary Presentation. Church is painfully hard for me when I'm struggling with anxiety. Sitting still in a room full of people is about the most torturous thing for my anxiety. I was blessed to make it through Sacrament Meeting without any major issues. They sure hit during Sunday School, though. During my second panic attack, our bishop happened upon us. He invited John and I in to his office, where John gave him an extremely brief overview about what's been going on. Bishop asked me if I would like a blessing, which I did. It was so helpful. Our bishop also asked me to work up to walking for an hour outside every single day. I felt well enough after the blessing to try to go to Relief Society. I walked in and sat off to the side by myself. John's aunt immediately motioned for me to move my chair next to her. She then put her arm around me for about half of the lesson. She didn't know the details about what was wrong. She just knew I needed comfort and she gave it, no questions asked. I thanked Heavenly Father right then and there for her.

John and I went for a walk yesterday after our family dinner, and I went for another this morning. Despite the windy walks making me very tired, I did feel better during both of them. I did feel calm and peace while I was walking.

Now, I'm not all better right now. In fact, I'm painfully aware that it will be a long road before I level out again. And that's a good thing, because it means it'll be less likely to act like a yo-yo and just keep swinging from hypomanic to depression. In fact, on the whole, things still feel horribly sucky a lot of the time right now. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. And THAT is a win.

I've known for this past month that I wanted to write about this part of my personal journey with mental illness and mental health for my post #500. I want to make a difference. I want to be an inspiration to others who feel like the fight isn't worth it. Because it doesn't always feel like it. When you struggle with feeling severely depressed and suicidal, you have many times where it feels impossible to want to keep going. I want to be that proof that those days don't last forever, and that there's a way to get past them without devastating your family and/or friends. In my safety plan I had to list my reasons for living. In addition to my family, one of the things I wrote was that I can't help others if I give in to this. So I will stay and I will continue this fight, even in the many moments right now that it doesn't feel worth it. Because once I get through it, having fought through it will mean everything.

September 2017

 I decided to do September's post today since I have the time. This weekend is General Conference so I'll be busy with that and don't want to end up forgetting. The boys started their school year at the local elementary school. They love it so far and are blessed to all have wonderful teachers.

We opted to have Brettley repeat grade 1 to give him a chance to learn to understand school structure with the other kids.

I started taking 2 classes on Coursera to give me something to do during the day now that my kids are all in school full time. I'm taking Introduction to Psychology and Social Context of Mental Health and Illness. I would love to get my BA in Psychology some day.

The Kenow Wildfire hit close to here in Waterton and area. We found out that as long as we have a 72 Hour Kit and everyone knows their job if we had to 'bug out' none of us really stressed about the possibility.

Webster, the cat that sort of lives with us, has started spending some nights in the house. The boys love having him here and so do I.

We had parent teacher interviews last week and I was complimented on how well I taught Brettley to read last year. It was so nice to hear. We also are getting Ty started on speech therapy because he still can't pronounce his Rs. His first appointment is this Friday.

I did 2 shifts at the book fair last week at the school and volunteered for future ones. I also signed up to be the room rep for Brettley and Caleb's classes. I think I'm trying to compensate for my lack of a calling. I also joined School Council and was given the position of Division 2 rep (it normally would be a vote but Amy nominated me and I got it by acclamation).

Caleb's birthday was on Monday. He turned 11! My boy is growing up so fast. I posted the following on Facebook that day:

11 Facts About Caleb to Celebrate his 11th Birthday:

1) His favourite colour is green.
2) He wants to become an astrophysicist.
3) He had his tonsils and adenoids removed less than a month after he turned 5. His adenoids were 3 times as large as they should have been.
4) He is red-green colour deficient. Red looks green to him.
5) He earned so many Cubs badges that we had to start a fourth row on his sleeve. He loved the old program.
6) He has started to learn how to play the alto saxophone, taking after both his mum and dad.
7) He isn't a fan of cake frosting, so for his cake this year we're putting real whipped cream on top and sprinkling it with coconut.
8 ) He loves all things Harry Potter and is almost done reading the series.
9) He is a natural giver and serves people without being asked.
10) He is one of the most compassionate people I've ever met in my life.
11) He has blessed my life in more ways than I could count. I am beyond grateful to be his mum.

Without going in to details, I have been struggling a lot lately and could really use any extra prayers that people are willing to send my way. Thanks!

August 2017 Pt 2

John came home to stay on Friday 18 August. He got in super late, but it was such a happy moment for us. The next day we cleaned at the church and got a new (to us) barbecue. We haven't had one for a few years, so we are very excited to have one again. Then John and I went on a date to Firestone (yum, my favourite) to celebrate him finally being home with us.

I got to help can my 20 pints of kernel corn from our garden. It's fun learning these new skills that are so useful.

John's mom was home briefly on the 25th before they took off to bring her to her mission field. John was able to give her a blessing before she left. The kids miss her a lot. We send her an email every week to update her on how we are.

On Sunday I saw that they announced that they are rolling "Come, Follow Me" in to the Priesthood and Relief Society lessons next year. I am super excited about this. I loved this when I taught the youth and think it will be an amazing thing for these adult classes.

We've spent most of the last week under a heat warning here and several days with air quality issues from the smoke as well. I'm really looking forward to after Thanksgiving.

Yesterday we went the the school and the boys got to take a tour of it. They each saw their new classrooms and met their new teachers. Brettley is very excited that his classroom has fish in it. Ty has opted to go by Tyrell this year since there will be another Ty in his class. Caleb has 2 teacher, but only was able to meet 1 of them yesterday. They also got to spend a couple of minutes playing in the school's new indoor playground. We brought their school supplies home and got them all labeled and ready to go for Tuesday. I also sorted and labeled all of the school supplies for my sister-in-law's kids yesterday. I do love me some school supplies. However, I'm really going to miss having my kids at home. I was so spoiled last year in getting to do things on our own schedule and having them to keep me company as we learned things together.

Fun note, just as I finished writing the previous paragraph, our heat warning was finally lifted. Why? Because it's ONLY going to get up to 28C today, ha ha. I'm so grateful that my bedroom is in the basement.

August 2017 Pt 1

We got a tiny bit of rain the first night in August. We'd been praying and praying for rain, so it was very welcome.

The older boys finished up their swimming lessons. Caleb passed level 4 and Ty passed level 2. Brettley wasn't able to do more than 2 classes since his croup was so bad. Caleb has asked to do 2 levels of swimming next year, which I'm totally fine with.

I finished up the last bit of school supply shopping I had to do for the kids. We also bought 2 huge Moses Lake watermelons, which were delicious.

John's mom left for her 10 days in the MTC before she heads to her mission at the end of this week. I got to be her companion for her last evening here after she was set apart.

We started harvesting the garden. I ended up with 16 pints of green beans. I snapped them all and my brother-in-law canned them for me. We are starting on the corn tomorrow.

My niece and I took the boys to the corn maze last week. We had fun and got to see and pet some animals. Ty especially loved the pigs. Brettley really loved the very tall slide that they had there.

We got the best news ever last week. John was approved to work remotely for his company from the Lethbridge office. He got here late on Friday night. It was a very happy day in our house. We are so happy to have him here with us and to be a complete family again. I have learned to not take the little things for granted. The things I ended up missing the most were getting to grocery shop together, getting to have a hug in the evening after a tough day and having John joke around and tease us. We feel very blessed to all be together again.

July 2017

On Canada Day we headed back up north. The boys went to stay with my mum and step-dad for the week and I went to E-town for a visit. That next Tuesday I went to see the Queen + Adam Lambert concert with my friend. It was an amazing experience and I'm so glad that I went. I also got through the entire evening without a single anxiety issue, which completely amazed me. I spent the next few days after that visiting with my best friend and her family, before we all headed back home.

My niece has been staying with me for the summer to help out with the kids, which has been the hugest blessing. John is still working up in Edmonton for now, which has been very difficult.

I switched my cell number to a local one so that the kids can call me from the house phone if they need to. We spent a lot of time in the irrigation sprinklers before they asked us to start restricting our use. It's been extremely hot and we've only had a dribble of rain 1 night in the past month.

Caleb started seeing a doctor here and we are going to start dealing with the anxiety itself, which will be a huge help to him. He's also being referred to a child psychiatrist, which will be good. I got the go ahead to get my Pertussis shot, which was a huge relief. I ended up with 2 needles that day, since apparently my MMR wasn't up to date.

Ty and I slept out on the deck one evening. Well, I made it until 3:30. He made it the whole night.

John came home for a week and we got to be with him for town celebrations and his birthday. The kids loved the parade, but they loved the fireworks the most. I managed to sprain my ankle after church, so I was barely moving for several days. I felt so bad for being injured during John's week here. However, on the Wednesday we finally were able to go in to Lethbridge to visit a few stores together and have supper at Firestone (yum!). Brettley ended up with croup and is just now getting over it.

The other two boys were doing swimming lessons last week and this week. Tomorrow is their last day.

John took the bus back to Edmonton so that my niece and I have the van to use for this month. And that pretty much sums up July.